Madden 17 earns AO rating with ‘Locker Room Talk’ update (Fauxclusive)

Locker room smell update coming next year

Madden NFL 17 has been called the most realistic and complete football game ever made. With weekly commentary updates and real-time roster changes, the drama of professional football has never before been captured so genuinely in a video game. That dedication to authenticity continues today with the launch of the Locker Room Talk update that allows players to listen in on real conversations that happen in locker rooms about strategy, play selection, and grabbing that pussy.

“There are so many true-to-life features in Madden 17 that it’s hard not to be proud of what we’ve accomplished,” said producer David Martell. “But we always thought there was something missing and this weekend we realized what it is: pussy. Grabbing pussy or twisting pussy or lifting pussy, you know, the type of talk men totally have in locker rooms across the country.”

Martell says his team worked tirelessly over the weekend to record all the revolting and reprehensible dialog, but they were almost unable to pull it off.

“It was actually pretty difficult to get professional football players to speak the word pussy. Except for Rob Gronkowski, who we actually couldn’t stop from saying it,” Martell explained. “But for the others, like Von Miller or Richard Sherman, we just couldn’t get them to say something so crass. We eventually had to trick them into saying it by asking all 1,600 players in the NFL to describe Tony Romo in a single word.”

Martell says the next big update for Madden 17 is right around the corner and will replace the Cleveland Browns with the Cleveland Fusion, a women’s football team that has a better chance of winning a game in the NFL this season than the Browns. 

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CJ Andriessen
Editor-at-Large – CJ has been a contributor to Destructoid since 2015, originally writing satirical news pieces before transitioning into general news, features, and other coverage that was less likely to get this website sued.
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