Live action Rocket League game ends in tragedy (Fauxclusive)

A totally awesome way to die

The bodies are still being pulled from the flaming wreckage of an 8-car accident after Tennessee teens tried to recreate the hit video game Rocket League.

Organized by 16-year-old Bryan Song of Big Sandy, the game took place in an empty lot outside of town that is usually used for backyard wrasslin’, muddin’ and other activities poor white people do when they live in a state as boring as Tennessee. According to witnesses, the match lasted for just a few seconds before all eight cars smashed into one another, sending car parts and bodies flying.

“It was awesome, and sad, but mostly awesome,” Song said. “I think there were a lot of things we should have done differently, you know, to prevent all the dying. We should have tried to find a ball as big as the cars instead of using a soccer ball nobody could see. We should have made them wear seat belts. We should have sobered up before we tried this. Most importantly, we should have recorded it because this shit would have gotten so many views on YouTube by now!”

While most of the spectators exchanged high fives as soon as the cars burst into flames, Jenna Morrow, who watched as her brother was impaled by the body of another driver who was ejected from his vehicle, was left with one question unanswered in the chaos following the match.

“Why? Why?” Morrow asked. “Why didn’t anyone stay behind to play defense? I mean that’s fucking Rocket League 101 stuff right there.”

Saturday’s tragedy marks the biggest loss of human life in attempting to recreate a video game in real life since nine people fell to their deaths in a game of Doodle Jump.

CJ Andriessen
Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.