Yegods, it’s good to be back. Having only yesterday wrapped the last paper ever in my English major, I’m still kind of in that academic mindset — you’ll excuse me if I use the words “paradigm” or “ostensibly” in the coming days, as these are words (among numerous others) commonly employed in 400-level English courses to show that I spent four years in college and actually learned something. Anyhow, your good ol’ Linde is back, and he sure did miss the lot of you.
And speaking of academia, did you know that “Top 10” is Sanskrit for “slow news day”? It’s true! While we’re certainly not exempt from making the occasional list now and then, IGN has made a science out of it, going so far as to dedicate a day to the unholy act. This week’s lineup is the Top 10 Toughest Games, of which only seven are actually, y’know, games. They threw in some series in there, because really, who wants to dig through all the Contra games to pick the hardest one? (Psst: It’s Shattered Soldier.)
Speaking of Contra, they ranked the original NES classic side-scroller number one in their top ten brutal bastards of gaming, snatching the crown away from titles like Battletoads and Ninja Gaiden. Come on, fellas — Contra is tough, but not impossible. Battletoads, on the other hand, was a love-letter from the deepest pits of hell, engineered to drive the millions of children that played it to absolute madness.
But before I debate this list any further, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the bigger idea here: why even bother with Top Tens, particularly when they deal with something as obviously subjective as gaming difficulty? Or the Top 10 Gaming Sidekicks? (“That’s bull!”, I cry, shaking a fist at the heavens, “No mention of the blob from A Boy and His Blob? I’m writing my congressman!”) It’s simple: get everyone in forums around the globe to whine and moan about the oh-so-scientific process by which your results were discovered, and voila, free traffic.
So hit the jump for my Top Ten Top 10s, and make sure to leave some comments debating me as angrily as you can muster, while also posting on your own blog a link to Destructoid with copy assailing me for my obviously misinformed opinions. Just like I did with IGN. My god, how meta of me.
#10: Top Ten Game Bargains (GameSpy)
You might know that I, being poor, have an affinity with the bargains of the gaming world. But did you also know that I can leap over a man’s head from a standing position? Now you do.
#9: Top Ten Internet Advertisers by Company (Internet World Stats)
Absolutely thrilling. Internet advertising numbers provide the rush that the crack just can’t do for me anymore. And they’re sorted by company. That’s the stuff.
#8: Top Ten Game Cliches (1UP)
It’s a shame they didn’t bother listing “Top Ten” lists within this list, an act which would’ve been so recursive that it would have caused a pandemic of nosebleeds reaching across the globe. Eat it, Memento.
#7-4: Rick Dees and the Weekly Top 40 (Oh God Is That What He Looks Like?)
Because I want America’s bad taste in music relayed to me by the disembodied voice of a man who resembles a paper-mache muppet.
#3: Top Ten Commandments (Bible, the)
Awesome stuff. Whoever compiled this list really knew what they were talking about. Well — okay, it’s nitpicky, but they had me up until the murder thing. It’s so passé.
#2: This Very List (Destructoid)
Let’s be honest, this is a pretty awesome list so far.
#1: Top Ten… Oh, Screw It (I Bore of this Charade)
Anybody want to play Scrabble or something?