I, the Author: A first-hand account of a Katamari victim

[It’s time for another Monthly Musing — the monthly community blog theme that provides readers with a chance to get their articles and discussions printed on the frontpage. — CTZ

I am a star.

Well, technically, I’m dead. My last memory is of a gigantic, oddly-dressed creature saying that I was (along with the millions of other people with me) about to be made into a star. Then a white flash, a burning sensation…and then nothing.

However, only yesterday I was just an average, everyday Japanese man. I lived alone in my humble home, leading the same boring life that everyone around me did. Then, without warning, everything changed.

Let me start at the beginning. I was just sitting at home, reading the daily newspaper like always.
I heard some noise coming from the kitchen, but assumed it was simply my cat playing with the hundreds of pieces of useless junk I had lying around the house.

See, I have a problem: I leave things everywhere. The floor of my house is completely covered in everything from food and toys to robots and small animals. However, since I live alone, I feel no reason to clean up; what right to I have to kick these animals out of their newfound home?

But I digress. I suppose now that I should not have ignored that noise I heard in the kitchen, for it only began to grow louder. Starting to fear that something (it certainly did not sound like any human) was in the house, I was paralyzed with fear. I sat exactly where I had been and pretended to continue reading my newspaper. The noise progressively got louder and closer. Eventually, it entered the room where I was sitting, and I saw it.

It was nothing more than a ball of all of things which I had had lying around my house. But, by some way that I can only assume to be magic, it was continuing to collect more things as it rolled over them. When it rolled past on the table in front of me I thought, for just a moment, that I saw a little green man pushing the ball. At the time I concluded that this must simply been my imagination, as such things do not … could not exist. At this point, I was so terrified that I had lost almost all control of my body. As far as the horrible spherical creature knew, I was simply ignoring it, obliviously reading my paper.

Growing bigger and bigger by the second, it soon made for my front door. It managed to open it without even touching it (another magic spell, I’m sure) and continued on outside. As soon as it was out of my sight, I darted up and began searching the house. The strange ball had completely cleaned up everything I had lying around; even my cat was gone.

Hesitantly, I looked outside. It was nowhere to be found, but then I heard screams and gunfire coming from the next street over. I was terrified, yes, but this thing started in my house and I felt obligated to see where it had gone. I followed the noise, only to see something infinitely more terrifying than I had previously imagined: it was consuming people.

Now that it had grown big enough, it was rolling throughout the entire city, picking up every person and animal it came across. The police had been dispatched, but even their gunfire didn’t seem to affect it in the slightest. I ran back to my house, fearing the worst, but soon realized that it was all futile.

The sounds outside only grew louder, and I could hear the ball quickly approaching my house. I looked out the window and, as I had feared, it was now big enough to collect entire houses. Losing all hope, I went back to my table, and began reading my newspaper again (It was my favorite thing to do; why not make it my last?). I felt the ball come over my house, and closed my eyes as the foundation of my home was ripped from the Earth and began to travel along with the ball.

But I wasn’t dead. I opened my front door and peered out. I was still alive. Even as my house was repeatedly smashed against the ground with every rotation of the sphere, it did not seem to show any signs of damage. Likewise, I discovered that many other people were also alive, but they were … different.
It seemed as if they were all possessed by something, incapable of doing anything more than flailing their arms back and forth, screaming for help. There was nothing I could do but watch on as the ball continued to roll…as it consumed every last thing on Earth.

Despite the fact that I died that day, and that the entire foundation of my life was destroyed, it was also the most exciting experience of my life. In fact, one could say that my life was made worthwhile by the things I saw during this trip. Not content with simply sitting in my house and suffocating, I dug my way up and out of the rubble that was continually building up around me. Narrowly avoiding being crushed countless times, I managed to stay on the outermost layer of the sphere. I saw the massive ball of death roll across the entire planet, picking up many buildings and precious artifacts that I never imagined I would get to see in my life.
I learned many things about the world too: For instance, who knew that the Empire State Building and the Egyptian Sphinx were so geographically close to one another! Or the fact that aliens and superheroes really exist; and in plain sight too! Before today, I was so oblivious to the many wonders of our world.

Then, just when I thought that it had finally ended, for the ball had come to a stop, it shot upwards at an incredible speed. No longer even questioning how it was possible that I was still alive, I peered up… and saw that I was in Outer Space.

I had hardly had time to process this thought when I saw a creature which made me unsure whether or not any of this was even real. I cannot rightfully describe it in a way which anyone would believe, but I will say this: It had the most incredible chin I have ever seen. The creature began making a loud rumbling noise. It in no way resembled talking, yet for some reason I could understand every word it meant to say. It called the ball a “katamari” and told that it was to be made into a star.

It thrust the ball into the sky, and I flew. For this moment, this brief instant before my death, the sensation I felt could only be described as pure, complete, happiness. Despite the fact that I am now dead, burned alive in an instant along with the rest of the Earth, I am complete.

I have seem the world.
I have seen space.
And now, I am a star.

Well, it beats sitting at home reading the newspaper all day, right?

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