How to not look like a dickhead in Gears of War 2

Gears of War 2 launched worldwide on November 7 in a whirlwind of critical acclaim and impressive sales figures. As one of the premier titles on Xbox Live, it naturally boasts a huge and healthy online following, with eager gamers chainsawing and skull popping their way through fifteen maps of carefully controlled carnage.

With such a focus on tightly restricted team play, there is a greater than average chance that your online actions will come under close scrutiny. Contrary to the chaos of Halo or the meat grinding of Call of Duty, your personal actions will get noticed in Gears of War — even more so in the sequel, where not only individual cameras, but a new ghost cam is available to fallen players. Players that will gaze upon and judge you.

As we all know, not looking like a complete dickhead is important, and in Gears, your dickhead potential is at an all time high. How do you avoid your team mates and opponents from looking at YOU and thinking, “Boy, that guy sure is a dickhead”? Easy, you read this handy guide and learn, through strict adherence, how to not look like a dickhead in Gears of War 2.

1. Don’t complain about the shotgun:

This first rule is also one of the most important. As we all know, Epic Games balanced the shotgun to make it far less powerful and to stop people from ignoring the entire mechanics of the game by running around blasting stuff like a moron. It is an indisputable fact that the shotgun wrecked the original Gears of War online experience, and that the people who used shotguns all the time were, in fact, dickheads. 

Do not bring attention to your dickhead status by complaining about how much the shotgun “sucks” in Gears 2 now that it has been “nerfed.” If you call it the “Shitgun,” you will not look like less of a dickhead, so bear it in mind. 

Should you spend all your time complaining about how Gears 2 sucks and how the shotgun sucks and everything sucks and everybody who likes Gears 2 sucks, you will look like a top-shelf dickhead. If you hate Gears of War 2 that much, by all means put Gears 1 back in the 360, where you and all the other shotgun-wielding dickheads can run around, giving each other both barrels in the face. That was a sexual innuendo, by the way. It was drawing attention to all the sex you have with each other.

2. Always watch your back:

Gears of War, more than any other game on Xbox Live, has the propensity for embarrassment. It is filled with sneaky one-hit kills that are not only caused by the victim’s own carelessness, but are often lengthy and humiliating enough to truly make you look and feel like the prize dickhead in the dickhead patch. 

Any Gears player should know the feeling of carefully running around a quiet part of the map, using cover, making roadie runs, and peering around corners, only to suddenly have his stealthy brilliance cut short by the ONE opponent he didn’t see sticking a frag grenade on his back. Only at that point, in the victim’s remaining seconds of life, does one realize he was being stalked all along, and literally presented his arse for a choice fucking.

Getting a tag or a chainsaw gibbing from the guy you didn’t see is one of the most common ways to look like a dickhead in Gears of War 2. This is made even worse if you are stalking someone else while you’re being stalked. Nothing makes you look more like a dickhead than sneaking up on an opponent with a chainsaw revved, only to be sliced in pieces yourself. 

3. Always watch your front:

On the subject on being humiliated like an utter dickhead, don’t forget that an enemy behind cover can see you before you can see him. It is beyond crushing to run down a lengthy corridor, only to be jumped as you pass a wall and chainsawed into dog meat. The worst part of this particular demise is that you know for a fact the opponent was waiting, watching you come his way and thinking “Ha ha, what a dickhead,” the entire time.

Keep a chainsaw revved when turning a corner. Just in case. 

4. Don’t whine about camping: 

Camping, like having respect for women, is one of the most shameful sins of Xbox Live. A camper is someone who is unfair enough to not want to get shot by running in front of all of your bullets. Apparently it’s “cheap” to have enough intelligence to hide in a safe place, but considering most of these people have screen names like “SinBaHmUT 263XxX,” you can assume that intelligence is not at a premium.

The problem with Gears of War, however, is that it is a cover-based tactical shooter. That means, in an ideal world, that people who “camp” are playing the game properly. If you attempt a charge for the enemy, it should be because you are making a tactical risk rather than emulating The Halos. People don’t quite get that, however. They usually have a shotgun in their hands, too.

People who “camp” in Gears of War 2 are merely people who know what the game is supposed to be about. People who complain about them are, in stark contrast, dickheads.  

5. Revive your teammates:

Hey, dickhead! If I am on my hands and knees, crawling around right under your very feet, REVIVE ME! It takes ONE button press, does nothing to inconvenience you, and you’ll also have backup in the form of someone who can revive you too.

This phenomenon of total dickheadedness is one I have personally noticed quite a few times recently, and it really does show which dickheads are dickheads of dicknormous proportions. First of all, you’re a selfish dickhead for not helping a teammate, and second of all you’re a stupid dickhead for not keeping your numbers up. 

These are people who clearly want to have more points than anyone else so don’t mind internal competition dying at their feet. That, or they are just stupendously lazy bastards. Either way, these dickheads live in Dick City and ride the Dickbus to Dicktower at Dicks O’ Cock in the morning.

6. Play as a Theron Guard:

It is well documented that Theron Guards are awesome. While most of the Locust Horde are little more than a poor man’s Orc, Therons stand head and shoulders above their shabby, borderline retarded brethren with an awesome indie dress sense and the ability to hiss “assssceeeend” in the most badass voice ever.

You could ignore half of the tips given in this guide and still have your dickhead levels reduced simply by the fact that you’re a Theron. Even if you screw up an Active Reload, they will hiss “ussssselesssss” and that will make everything alright again. Theron Guards are guaranteed to shrink your dick!

7. Don’t just run through an open door: 

Chances are, you WILL explode! It has become common practice in Gears of War 2 to tag the walls with frag grenades, turning any entrance into an instant deathtrap. Getting blown up by a planted frag is one of the most shameful ways to die, and knowing that, sitting behind a 360 controller, some asshole is laughing his head off at you only serves to increase your dickhead levels.

At least getting a chainsaw up your gooch is a somewhat glorious death. Simply walking through a door is not the way a warrior dies. 

8. Actually BEING a dickhead is fine. Just don’t get caught: 

You will be a dickhead in Gears of War 2. Whether you really do complain about shotguns, walk through exploding doors or even find it hard to resist finishing off an opponent that someone else knocked down, the only real rule is to not get caught!

If you get tagged with a grenade, either run to the nearest corner and hide, or at least try jumping at your attacker and taking him out to restore the dickhead karma. If you aren’t going to revive someone, have the courtesy to pretend you haven’t noticed by running away. Should you get jumped with a surprise chainsaw attack … well … just hope it was a Theron Guard that did it. That’s the cool way to die. 

Gears of War 2 is an excellent game, but you can and will look like a total dickhead when playing it. If you follow these guidelines, however, you may be able to avoid looking like too much of a dickhead in the future. Remember, if you see any dickheads when playing Gears 2, be sure to refer them to this guide. It is my hope that we will turn the combat fields of Gears of War 2 into a sublime, dickhead-free paradise one day …

I know that dream is bullshit, however, so let’s just go back to being dickheads.

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James Stephanie Sterling
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