Easy bake rumors!
[Struggling to remain relevant in today’s fast-paced world of Photoshops and unproven quotes? Jake has got a cblog that gives you an easy way to cook up rumors with all the pomp and circumstance but with half the effort! ~Strider]
Hey kids! Are you stuck inside today with nothing but a boring old computer to entertain you? Well, have I got news for you! You–yes, you!–can make your very own NX rumor!
Now, many NX rumor creators are trained professionals who went through the four-year Controller Construction program at their local community college. But, don’t let this intimidate you! Like English writing or cardiothoracic surgery, building a controller is one of those things that dum-dums pay colleges to learn, when any idiot with a steak knife and a block of wood can learn to do them on their own at home.
What you’ll need:
-A camera (can be the one on your phone)
-A 3D printer (if you don’t have one, don’t worry. Just use your 3D printer to print one)
-Wheels
-A screen or something that looks like a screen (optional)
-Sticker or tape
-Permanent Marker
-Whatever’s in your toolbox (if you don’t have one, don’t worry. Just use your 3D printer to print one)
So, now that you have all those things, it’s time for the easy part. Simply print a controller and put what you want on it. Remember the most important rule of NX fakery: you are the one who is leaking the controller or console, not them. The mindless sheep that wander the fields of the internet have no idea what they’re dealing with, so they can’t disprove you.
Now, deciding what to add and how the controller should look is a bit tricky. For the shape, you can go with, well, just about anything. Nintendo’s consoles have always been creative, so you should get creative too! The controller can be four-sided, no-sided, twenty-sided, whatever you can imagine.
However, you should always remember the most important scale in all of NX fakedom: The Believability-Outrage Scale (pictured below)
This graph shows that how believable a fake NX controller is depends on how much outrage it causes from nerds who haven’t held it. There’s a decent amount of believability to a controller that looks like a normal controller. Things like adding a screen are about the same amount of believable. However, adding a few things that seem like just plain stupid decisions (like, say, having no analog sticks) causes more outrage, to the point where it becomes less believable. But, switching it up more and more, to the point where lifelong gamers are staring at the controller, trying to figure out how it even works and questioning if they’re still relevant in this shifting world, will cause more outrage and a higher level of believability. Good tips for this are making the whole controller a screen, making it ovular, or having a dank doge meme as the new mascot. But, be very careful of the dramatic drop at the edge. Shaping the controller something unreasonable, like a triangle, could very well result in an instant “fake” from your first commenter, and that’s no good.
Now, there are a few other things you should consider when constructing your NX controller. The recipe calls for wheels, which are important since Nintendo patented a design for shoulder buttons that act more like scroll wheels. Or something. I don’t know. I vaguely remember it happening, but I’m not bothering to look it up again right now, so don’t worry. No one else is gonna bother either. Since Nintendo confirmed that those are part of the NX, though, you absolutely must have those visible on the controller.
Second, a screen is pretty much needed. While you could be bold and try to say that the NX is going to be a more traditional console, like the PS4 or Xbox One, Nintendo has all but said that it will be a portable and home console hybrid, which suggests that the controller will have a screen on it. So, include a screen. Unless your rumor also comes with the shocking statement that the portable part will be the first screenless console (note: this actually is in a very good place on the Believability-Outrage chart).
And finally, stick stickers or tape on that thing that say dramatic, scary things like NX Controller, Property of Nintendo, Insert amiibo Here, or Confidential Property. It is literally impossible to argue with a sticker, since they lack the ability to understand politics or even talk in the first place, so putting these on means serious business.
Once your controller’s all done, take a picture of it. You’ll want it to be a non-professionally lit shot, maybe with something actually running on the screen. If you were using a fake screen, you can always Photoshop something on it later. Also, set it on a desk or by a computer, so that it not only looks like you leaked this info, but that you were hard at work too. [Tip: Clean any Cheez-It crumbs out of your keyboard before taking the photo, so it doesn’t look like your home PC.]
Now, I’ll show you the actual NX controller. While your controller is a fake, mine is the real deal, but I would kindly ask that you not steal the design or spread this picture. The trees and sun outside of my window will alert Nintendo to my position, and I really don’t want to die young. This is just an example of what your controller should look like:
Now, I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “Jake, that’s a cat.” To which I respond with a coy “Yes, it is. ;)”
However, there are more steps to making a fake NX leak, steps that can go hand in hand with your carefully crafted controller pics or can be done by just posting to reddit. It’s actually very easy to tell people what the NX has, and there’s almost no need to get verified. I can’t stress enough that you don’t need to go through all the hard work of making a fake controller when you can just post a simple list of things that the NX will have. Although, do not forget the Believability-Outrage scale. It possibly applies even more here.
So, first, let’s let people know how you even know about the NX. After all, not just anyone has access to NX kits. Only Nintendo insiders, AAA devs, and every indie team except the guys who made Ori and the Blind Forest know anything about it. So, start off your post briefly mentioning what you are. Craft a backstory as to not only how you got access to a devkit or info, but also why you’re willing to share it. Maybe you got fired and so aren’t afraid of repercussions. Maybe you’re not supposed to know, but you figured out all this info at the water cooler. Or you snuck that photo while passing by your co-worker’s desk. Keep it vague so that NeoGAF can’t track you down, but also give enough info that they think they can.
Now, leaking hardware specs is very important, as that can take advantage of the Believability-Outrage. If there’s one thing that gamers love and hate to hear, it’s how many p’s can be rendered, or f’s per s games run at. Saying that it can run at 1080p is a good way to get fanboys foaming, while saying that it is optimized for 720p is a good way to get some outrage going. You can also use arbitrary terms like “easily” to give a good mix of hype and vagueness (such as, “It can easily run games at 60fps”). Comparisons to existing hardware are also a good way to make your statements easier to understand and bring in a new audience. No matter how little a Microsoft fanboy cares about Nintendo, they’ll be just jumping on the message boards if you say the NX is more powerful than the Xbox One but only about as powerful as the PS4.
As mentioned earlier, everyone is pretty certain that the NX will be a handheld and home console hybrid. It’s up to you to decide what that means. Does the handheld actually play full games on the go? Or is it more like the Dreamcast (always mention the Dreamcast), where it just gives companion games? [Tip: Use the term VMU. People love it.] Is it actually its own system or does it clip on to your phone and upgrade it? The best tip I can give for this is to be as vague as possible. Everyone on the internet is already certain of how this is going to work, so if your legitimate source doesn’t line up with their unfounded belief, they’ll write you off as wrong, breaking the illusion and deleting your reddit account.
If you feel uncomfortable with specs, the best way to handle it is by detailing the software that the game will launch with. Once you’ve said the actual games that the console will launch with, no one gives a flying fish about the specs. This is where you’re really going to hit a crossroads though. If you keep your information on software vague, there’s a chance that it will actually turn out to be true. This sets you up for a career of information leaking, as you can point to your NX leak as completely credible and thus no one can question you when you make future rumors. This is a good option for people who don’t know what they’re doing with their life and need a simple but lucrative job. On the other hand, if you give more specific information, you risk being discredited as soon as Nintendo officially reveals the device and launch titles. But, a big headline means a big payoff, and you can easily drop some info on software that gets people insanely hyped, blowing up the internet, while you make off with your millions like Hans Gruber.
The software that you must absolutely absolutely mention is Zelda. Zelda U is the currently only confirmed NX launch title, so not mentioning it will immediately show that your leak is fake. You can give some info on its release no matter what leak strategy you’re going for (is the Wii U version cancelled? If not, will it release before the NX, after the NX, or at the same time?). If you’re going for the big bomb strat, though, you can give a title to it. Use words that sound mythical but also vague, like Tower, Dawn, Night, Darkness, Batman, Arrow, Light, Darkness, Book, Rune, Horse, Robot Spider Monster, World, Darkness, Grass, Portal, and/or Legend. For optimum title creation, pick two of those words at random and put the word “of” in between them.
There are some obvious other choices for games that Nintendo itself will be dropping on the NX at launch, so feel free to mention any of these:
-A new 3D Mario
You should also mention AAA support, especially if your backstory is that you’re an AAA developer. After all, it’s the biggest thing that everyone’s worried about, so address it. The best part is that you can keep it as vague as you darn well please. “There are at least four AAA titles getting ready for its launch, one of which is an exclusive. I can’t say what it is, but I can say everyone should be excited. ;)” See how well that works? Don’t use that, that’s mine. Make your own.
And that’s the biggest thing I can say. You can make your own NX rumor. It’s very easily doable. All you need is to balance out the potential outrage, keep it interesting, and pretty soon even the biggest gaming websites will be running stories on your leak. From there, it’s just one step away from getting hired by Nintendo to work on the actual NX, because, let’s be honest, no matter what you leak, it’s probably better than whatever it’s making.
