Pokémon Red is blatantly better than Pokémon Blue and if you disagree with me you are a spastic. Some of you may feel that one can’t successfully draw discrepancies between two games that are essentially the same, but those people are obviously stupid. I am a hardcore gamer, and that means I can draw huge lines between anything and say that one thing is better if I own that thing.
Following is a list of reasons that I have written thanks to my brain that will prove why Pokémon Red is better than Pokémon Blue, and why anybody who even remotely likes anything to do with Pokémon Blue should be considered a social Pariah and made to wash their dirty little mouths out with soap for saying they like playing such a rubbish game. Read on and bask in the warm waters of the Fact Sea.
1. Pokémon Red has better Pokémon in it:
Pokémon Red and Blue have their own unique sets of pocket monsters that can be captured and battled and traded all up, and naturally it’s Pokémon Red that gets the lion’s share of all the good ones, while Blue is stuck with crap nonsense like Magmar. Magmar is basically a duck that is on fire and has an arse on its head, which is absolutely stupid and is nowhere near as good as Arbok, which is a big scary snake. A snake would kick the shit out of a duck in real life, especially a duck that’s on fire and has a bum on its face and looks a bit like a Downey Syndrome.
Also, Blue got Bellsprout, and Bellsprout is fucking shit. If I wanted a game with a yellow flower that has a vagina for a mouth, I’d ask for it, thanks. Gloom is much better because it turns into Vileplume which is fun to say, and it also had an English accent in the cartoon which makes it awesome.
Arbok is Cobra spelled backwards and with a K. That is pretty radical when you think about it without thinking too hard.
2. Charizard is blatantly better than Blastoise:
Red has Charizard on the box, while Blue has Blastoise on it. Tell me what’s better — a firebreathing dragon that is all massive and brilliant, or a stupid fat Bowser thing with two Super Soakers on its back. Obviously it is Charizard that is the one that is better you idiot!
Stupid Blue fanboys will try to argue that Blastoise is better but it obviously isn’t because I said it isn’t and that means it isn’t. Blastoise looks like the fat one out of Keenan & Kel, you know that show about two sisters who never knew how much they missed ya. I think I’ll stick with the dragon, thank you very much, which also gets bonus points for constantly setting fire to that annoying fucking cunt from the cartoon who sounds like the Karate Kid but isn’t.
3. Red is a better color than Blue:
Think of all the awesome things that are red: The Red Arrows, Red Dead Revolver, Red XIII, Omega Red, The Hunt For Red October, Robin Red Riding Hood, Red or Dead, Red Red Wine, Red Light District, The Red Skull, Red Faction, Pokemon Red, Red Mages, Navik the Red, Red Octane, The Red Baron, The Red Army, Red Faction (the other one), Red Dwarf, Red Rooms, Simply Red, Night of the Living Red, Red Sky at Night, Shepherd’s Delight. These are just a few of the amazing red things, all of which share a color with the best Pokémon game ever made.
Now let’s look at all the things that are blue: Blue’s Clues.
That’s it. The only thing that Pokémon Blue has anything in common with is a stupid kid’s TV show that features a lonely man who imagines that he’s talking to children and a cartoon dog which is pretty fucking weird and not really appropriate viewing for five-year-olds. Blue is a shit color, as evidenced by this crap TV show.
Oh, and that Blue Dabba Dee Scooby Doo song. Screw that noise.
4. Red got a remake, Blue did not:
Nintendo was so proud of Pokémon Red that the game was subject to its very own remake on the Game Boy Advance, which fans will know as FireRed. Nintendo was so ashamed of Pokémon Blue that a remake was omitted, and a brand new game that had nothing to do with Blue, called LeafGreen, was created. Nintendo hoped nobody would notice, and nobody really did, because everyone agreed that Blue was crap and that LeafGreen was a much better idea.
Besides which, what was Nintendo going to call it? WaterBlue? Don’t be bloody ridiculous. The whole game was doomed from the start.
5. Pokémon Red is on the Wikipedia page:
Nothing is more validating and important than Wikipedia, apart from maybe NeoGAF (who’ll probably do all moaning about our articles again) and so it will come as no surprise to gamers around the world that Pokémon Red is the videogame chosen to represent both the Red and Blue titles on the Wiki entry for the seminal Game Boy title.
If you’re not on Wikipedia, you are officially not worthy of note, as decided by a bunch of nerds with too much free time on their hands and who get some sort of sick power trip from deciding what is and what isn’t important enough to be on the Internet, even though Jeff Dunham has a page. Those people know what they’re talking about, and that’s why Pokémon Red‘s box art is on Wikipedia and Pokémon Blue is not.
ALSO I HAVE SCREENCAPPED IT SO IF YOU TRY AND EDIT POKEMON BLUE IN THERE I WILL KNOW ABOUT IT ACTUALLY YOU STUPID POKEMON BLUE FANBOYS BY THE WAY!
6. Pokémon Red has a better framerate:
Let’s face it, the framerate for Pokémon Blue is absolutely abysmal, and framerate is incredibly important even though most of us can’t tell the difference when we’re making stupid comparison videos between Xbox 360 and PS3 games. The framerate for Blue is so bad that characters don’t even look like they’re moving. They just seem to be still images that sometimes slide on and off the screen with poorly rendered sound effects. Not exactly the kind of hi-def graphics one expects from the Game Boy.
When I had Pokémon Red, I used to shake the Game Boy around a lot, which made everything look like it was moving so that means Pokémon Red has a better framerate. Don’t fight me on this, because you will lose.
7. My brother had Pokémon Blue:
While I had Pokémon Red, my brother picked up Pokémon Blue. My brother also happened to be a lameazoid, a geekatron and, if I’m not mistaken, a dorkus malorkus. If you don’t want to be a dillweed chickenbaby like my brother, then you’ll agree that Pokêmon Red is the better game. Otherwise, me and all the cool kids will call you a spasmo or a mong and will push you around until you cry. Also, we smoke because we’re so hard and tough and hip, so you better start doing that too!
8. Red has Vaporeon in it:
When I played Pokémon Red I got this awesome watery dog called Vaporeon that looked really cool because it had eyes like the Aliens had on those posters about “freeing the weed” that were really popular in the nineties. Only Red had Vaporeon in it because I had Red and there were some other piece-of-shit dogs in the other one that I saw when my idiotic brother was playing it, which proves that only Red had Vaporeon in it, so there. Seriously, one of the other dogs was all electric. That doesn’t even make sense!
Vaporeon is great because it is an amphibious dog, and that’s an amazing concept. There was a dog fish thing in the obscure cartoon show The Dream Stone, which most people won’t remember, even though it’s a fantastic cultural reference that maybe three people will get. Vaporeon is also blue, which I’ve always felt is an incredibly beautiful color.
9. Pokémon Red has a better score on Metacritic:
Metacritic scores are the ultimate seal of quality, because everybody knows that you can’t get more justified than a score of 100 from a bunch of European gaming sites that you’ve never heard of before. Obviously, the original games themselves don’t have Metacritic scores, because they were released before Halo invented the Internet. However, Pokémon FireRed has a Metacritic score of 81, and as we explained earlier, there is no Pokémon WaterBlue. So, that technically means that Pokémon Red has a score of 81, and Pokémon Blue has a score of 0.
Metacritic never lies. It’s fairly obvious to me who has come out on top in the battle of the review scores. A zero on Metacritic is fucking pathetic, and ultimate proof that anybody who bought Blue is a gay, probably.
10. Anyway shut up because it’s better alright?:
Just shut the fuck up you Pokémon Blue fanboys okay? I am sick to death of having to deal with you people and justify myself to you and your bias. Pokemon Red is to Pokémon Blue what nightsticks were to Rodney King and that’s all there is to it! I am just so tired of imagining what it is Pokémon Blue fanboys would probably say about Pokémon Red and then having to argue why they’d be wrong if I ever actually saw them saying it even though I’ve not seen anybody say anything yet.
I have pretty much conclusively proven with words made out of evidence that Pokémon Red is blatantly better than Pokémon Blue. Hopefully, if you happened to like Blue and read this piece of journalism, you will swiftly commit the honorable act of Santorum or whatever it is those foreign people used to do when they realized they’d been massive idiots and were totally wrong about videogames.
Now does somebody have a fucking Magmar so I can complete my Pokédex please!?
