How not to destroy your home with your Wiimote

C’mere, son. Set aside that remote and take a knee. You and me, we’re gonna have us a little talk about common sense.

That newfangled Nintendo system you’ve got there — the Wii? Yeah, she’s a real beaut. Sleek, smooth, an attractive shape … speaking of, did I ever tell you about the weekend I spent with a cute little blonde at a conference in Singapore? Lord, she was a sight to see– what? Sorry. Anyway, I see you swingin’ that remote around like you ain’t quite right, what with your Zeldas and your Wii Sports. You’re gonna take someone’s head off with that thing if you ain’t careful. That HDTV I just bought is worth more than your worthless little life, and if I catch you firing that remote at that beautiful 32″ window into the only heaven I’m ever bound to see, finding that last heart container piece will be the last of your concerns, let me tell you.

So how’s about you quit bouncing around all over the place and let your old man give you some tips that might keep you alive for a few days longer.


  • If you don’t listen to a damn word I say, for the love of God, remember this. You’ll save yourself a great deal of time, money, and physical agony if you wrap it up before settling down with that Twilight Princess you’re always jabbering on about. What? God, you kids and sex — I mean wrap up your Wii remote. A bit of rubber between that half-pound hunk of plastic and your sweaty mitts might keep it in your grasp a little longer. I know what you’re thinking: “But I’ve got the strap! That’s as safe as anything else!”, right? Things break with use, son. How do you think you were born?


  • And if you’re so hung up on that stupid strap of yours, reinforce it. Like MacGyver. Get yourself some of the fishing wire out of the garage and fasten a knot over the remote’s strap hook, and tie the other end around the strap itself. I’d give you some of mine, but your Grandpa keeps flossing his teeth with it. Which reminds me: you locked the basement door, right? I don’t want him getting loose again.


  • Speaking of your grandfather, he was playing it the other day and was doing just as well as you at Wii Sports Tennis. And guess what? He’s old! Which makes me think that maybe it’s not necessary to swing the remote like a meth-addled freak. This new system is meant to be enjoyed by everyone, right? So it makes sense that you wouldn’t have to swing hard enough to beat a horse to death. Don’t be like those retard friends of yours. Just take it easy.


  • And if all else fails or if you’re too damned lazy to try any of these ideas, you could always wipe off your hands every now and then. Cripes, it’s like I’m talking to a wall. A sweaty, disappointing wall.

    Just keep these ideas in mind the next time you want to play and I won’t be forced to send you to an orphanage. Got it? Good talk, son.

  • Aaron Linde