Hot and Steamy: A grimdark reimagining, Juno’s Darkest Hour

Woof!

Dear Brian number two,

It’s me, THE GARBAGE MAN, and I’m here to wade through the dumping grounds known as Steam’s new release lists to find you the games that float atop all of the other water trash releasing on the storefront. As a self-proclaimed garbage person, formally known as a rat fuck, I think I’m very qualified for the job. No one knows quality garbage quite like the man who is garbage, à la The Garbage Man, à la me, Jed Whitaker.

Vidya games we missed last week

I may be the one and only Garbage Man, but sometimes I surround myself with enough non-garbage that I start to not recognize things that aren’t garbage, which is to say that all things are technically garbage if you throw them away. Anyways, here are the games that I missed on last week’s list.

While I’m not an RTS player, clearly someone is as the 8-Bit series is going strong on Steam with its latest release 8-Bit Invaders! I’m not familiar with this series of RTS games, but apparently, each game contains its own factions and levels, but the cool thing is there is crossplay between all the games. There is some talent working on the game as well. The team that made it also made Star Wars: Empire at War, Universe at War, and Grey Goo, which are all RTS titles I think I’ve heard of so that must be a positive, right?

What if I told you that a space exploration game with pretty graphics and online multiplayer existed and it isn’t called No Man’s Sky? The highly anticipated Astroneer finally just released on Steam Early Access and it looks darned fun. While it doesn’t appear to have much in the way of wildlife, it does have the ability for four players to explore and build together online. Steam reviews have repeatedly called the game “Yes Man’s Sky” and seem to indicate that for an early alpha it has a lot of potential. Be wary, though, as many people report crashes, but that should be expected for an Early Access game.

For some reason Ty the Tasmanian Tiger got an HD remaster. The original didn’t do super great with critics, but it sold well enough to warrant being part of the PS2’s Greatest Hits series of games and to get three follow-up titles. “On a scale of Hugh Jackman to Steve Irwin, this definitely puts the shrimp on the barbie,” says one Steam review. Take that for what you will. It seems like most people are just riding the nostalgia train on this one, but that isn’t always a bad thing.

This week’s games that aren’t Early Access / reused assets / VR trash

I’m pretty angry from just how smelly and stinky the trash was this week because it was extra disgusting. So many Early Access games that use the same assets from Unity and Unreal and so many of them are shoehorned into VR. I’m so over VR. Truly. There is only like one VR title per headset that I think is worth playing, but not great enough to warrant buying the privilege goggles themselves. 

Imagine if you and your friends all had stretchy arms like that one guy from the Fantastic 4 — that is pretty much what Grab the Bottle looks like. If I had stretchy arms, I’d probably use them to form a noose around my neck, purely for masturbation purposes of course. Totally not suicide.

No, Juno’s Darkest Hour isn’t about Ellen Page getting an abortion, instead, it looks like an homage to all those great Game Boy games of old, with hints of Kirby and Smart Ball. I know many of you out there groan about pixel art, but I like it so there. That said, I am the Garbage Man, so…

Judging from the above trailer’s music alone I’d think The Grey Man is about being an alien and coming to Earth to seduce and sex humans, but instead, it looks like a game about abduction which is equally cool. I’ve always dug games where you get to terrorize humankind such as Haunting Starring Polterguy, which is a real game that Electronic Arts actually released on the Sega Genesis. Ah, how times have changed. 

Heroine Anthem Zero marks the first game in the Chinese developed series to come stateside since launching in 2002. According to the game’s Steam page, this is an all-new episodic prequel, which makes me wonder if it is being released all at once or in pieces? Either way, it is a 2D side-scrolling action RPG that had vibes of Vanillaware, so maybe worth a play?

Well, there you have it. A bunch of Steam games that don’t look straight garbage. All in a week’s work for The Garbage Man. There weren’t many to choose from as it is rumored that the Steam winter sale will start this week which typically buries new releases, plus a week from today is Christmas. Surprisingly there are a number of games releasing the week between Christmas and New Year’s so pending they aren’t the purest of trash (like myself), then I’ll see ya next week.

Yours truly,

The Garbage Man

Jed Whitaker