Life finds a way
Someone once told me I talk like Jeff Goldblum. This is not true. I also don’t look like Charlie Day, Peter Frampton, Bret McKenzie, Michael Sheen, or Dikembe Mutombo. But at least I appreciated the former (tip: don’t tell people who they look like; it is confusing and uncanny at best, offensive at worst). If I could channel a fraction of Goldblum’s swarthy, gangly, aloof sex appeal or ability to vomit stomach acid onto his food while his shedding, greasy hair starts to look like a perm, my life would definitely be better. Especially if I had the vomit thing.
And so it is that the third Steven Hansen’s Destructoid’s GOTY 2014 award is for the Best interpretive representation of Jeff Goldblum. If you missed them, here are the awards for illiteracy (Best willful misspelling in a title) and Best musical.
Because I am being sneaky/horny and using a shirtless Goldblum to adorn this post rather than art from the winner, now it feels like I have the element of surprise on my side and I’m pussyfooting around giving the award. Juking left, juking right. Will there be a world-shattering upset? I can feel you tittering with suspense as if you were hanging on Jeff Goldblum’s every word and “Look,” hand gestures.
Without further stalling, I hereby award Transistor the Steven Hansen’s Destructoid’s GOTY 2014 award for Best interpretive representation of Jeff Goldblum! Supergiant’s sophomore effort is almost cool to a fault. It is aloof, but with a sumptuous, angular aesthetic that mirror’s Goldblum’s icy-hot mystery.
Alien: Isolation: Tall. Dark. Handsome. I know what you’re thinking: Are we talking about the xenomorph in Alien: Isolation or Jeff Goldblum? Well, what makes you think those two are mutually exclusive? While it can be argued that the xenomorph is more inspired by H. R. Giger’s design in the original Ridley Scott film, who’s to say that precludes Giger from having been inspired by Goldblum? Have you looked at pictures of the original suit lately? It’s Goldblum’s physique etched in marble, down to the explanatory jazz hands. The great sculptors of yore all had their muses. Clearly Giger and Creative Assembly did, too.
Ether One: I imagine a lot of folks on this webpage know Goldblum for his roles in things like Independence Day and Jurassic Park–only ’90s kids will remember these ones!–more than Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Earth Girls Are Easy. And that’s fine. Those are as important to his oeuvre as Brundlefly. Ether One is a smartly designed story based around head-scratcher puzzle mechanics that give way to the same drunken lows and eureka highs Goldblum’s Independence Day scientist felt. And then you blow up all the aliens at the end, it’s so sick.
The Long Dark: It’s not a retread of the “long, dark, and handsome” aesthetic. It’s not because when faced with frigid, desperate conditions I just want to crawl into Goldblum’s chest hair nest like Luke into a tauntaun. What we need is some representation of the lastest part of the Goldblum mythos, his “hipster” turn. He’s billed on Portlandia despite being in something like 10% of episodes over five seasons. He’s a Wes Anderson favorite. Campo Santo’s Firewatch (with me) isn’t out yet, Gone Home was last year. It’s a real down year for “hipster” games, so Long Dark comes in batting clean up in garbage time. Just look at it, with its stylish aesthetic, fresh mechanics, and interesting title. Fucking try-hard.