Another quality article from Destructoid
2017 was the year fishmen suddenly became sexy. Not just among the weeaboo anime-tentacle-monster crowd, but among mainstream audiences too. It started with rule 34 star Prince Sidon from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild last March but really caught fire when the first trailer for The Shape of Water – the movie everybody on Twitter claimed to invent the phrase “Grinding Nemo” for – debuted online. Don’t know how, don’t know why, but last year ended on a weird note with women across the internet fantasizing about a scaly, salinated South American sea creature that wooed Sally Hawkins out of her clothes and into a sex scene that guaranteed she lost the deposit on her apartment.
Women got hot and heavy over these guys like Troy McClure at an aquarium, prompting articles like this, this, and this. The dildo inspired by Guillermo Del Toro’s creature straight up sold out over Oscar weekend. I guess after a year of learning every man on the planet is a sex monster, a sea monster suddenly didn’t look so bad. Women took one look at Doug Jones’ creepily spread out eyes and decided they, like Kanye, love fish sticks.
You know what ladies? Go ahead. Enjoy your fishmen with their fibroelastic penises and their all-egg-and-cat-head diet. I’m sure that will make for some lovely morning breath. Go ahead and run off into the ocean with your creatures from the lame lagoon because I also learned something from the movies in 2017: we don’t need you anymore. Between Kofi Siriboe with two grapefruits in Girls Trip and Timothée Chalamet going to town on that peach in Call Me By Your Name, it seems to me men can just get by just fine with a nice ripe piece of fruit.
So while you’re still thinking of how fun it would be to have an overgrown Murloch go down on you while signing fewer words than Koko, I’ve compiled this list of the absolute best video game fruit to fuck.
According to Call Me By Your Name, a peach is a viable substitute for Armie Hammer’s butthole, and there are no better peaches in gaming than the ones that grow in your Animal Crossing town. So shake a tree, pop out the seed, and go to town pretending that piece of fruit is a young Billy Graham. Or, use two at a time and just tell yourself it’s the Winklevoss Twins.
According to legend, “If two people share a Paopu Fruit, their destinies become intertwined. They’ll remain a part of each other’s lives no matter what.” Well, according to a different legend, if two guys share a Paopu Fruit using their dicks, they’ll finally understand the entirety of the Kingdom Hearts storyline.
The Bubble Bobble series has a wide array of food a drunk fraternity pledge would shove his dick into as part of hazing ritual that his brothers tell him builds character and strengthens their bonds somehow, but this list is only focusing on fruit so suck it cakes. Diehard fans of the series know a regular orange is only worth 700 points, but a giant orange is worth a whopping 20,000 points, making it 28 times more worthy of your dick than the smaller variety. That’s science.
It’s everything you need for you, Sully, and Karl Schäfer to have yourself a lemon party.
Super Mario Sunshine
Super Mario’s vacation to Delfino Island was a bright and cheery adventure full of surf, sand, and succulent fruit just waiting to have your dick stuck in them. But not all fruit in this tropical paradise is created equal. In fact, some of it can be quite dangerous. So, to save you some pain, I’ve created this handy-dandy infographic to let you know which fruits are okay to fuck, and which ones you should avoid.
You might be asking yourself “Why Dr. Peelgood? Why not Nanaman or Sea of Thieves‘ whole bananas or any of the bananas from the Donkey Kong franchise?” Why? I’ll tell you why. Because this is Destructoid goddammit, and if there is one thing we have an affinity towards here, it’s giant purple things from games you stick in your ass.
Wumpa Fruit has been a mainstay of the Crash Bandicoot series since the original games all the way back on the PlayStation. It’s Crash’s favorite fruit and if he collects 100 of them, he earns an extra life. Little known fact, if he puts his dick in 100 of them, he earns two extra lives. That’s why when you’re at your local farmers market this weekend, you need to make sure you put your dick in every Wumpa Fruit you can find. That way you’ll live forever.
Perhaps you’re one of the 37 people who remember the scene from 8 Days a Week or maybe you’ve lingered too long in the produce section of your local grocery store while gently tapping watermelons looking for that perfect, almost-hollow sound, but putting your junk in a watermelon is the most obvious example of fruit fucking there is, or so I’ve been told. And there is no more famous a watermelon than the one from Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island.
But guess what, this is a trick entry. That’s right, you should not stick yo dick in the Yoshi’s Island watermelon because it is chock full of seeds. That’s dangerous from what I understand and certainly not from one lonely night two years ago. So unless you want to explain to an emergency room nurse how a big black seed got stuck in your urethra, do not try to have sex with the Yoshi’s Island watermelon. Also, avoid the Fruit Ninja watermelons cause they got seeds in them too.
Like you wouldn’t.