Games time forgot: CSI: Miami

I’m pretty sure none of you have played this game — I know I sure as hell haven’t. Mathematically speaking, there’s no reason to think that this game would be even the slightest bit enjoyable: licensed games suck, “mystery” games tend to suck, and so therefore a “mystery” game based on a positively abysmal license couldn’t be very good…right?

Well, yes and no. As was the case with all the other CSI/Law and Order/Random Police Procedural games released over the past decade, the game is not only easy as hell, but rarely — if ever — rises above the standards of a mediocre flash game.

And yet — it’s not all bad. I’ve done my research, I’ve played the demo, and I think I’ve come up with some compelling reasons that CSI Miami: The Game may be worth your time. What are they? You’ll have to hit the jump to find out.


Drive by…Miami style. You don’t spend a thousand dollars on clothes…that you’re never gonna wear. Was the mob sent to draw us to the crime scene…or sent to destroy it? No need now…the verdict is in. Frank, it turns out that the wave…is not the only thing that’s about to hit Miami.

You know what they say, Frank…speed kills. Till now. You do…if you’ve got something to hide. Listen, um…I don’t want you to worry about it, all right…Mister Coleman…because I…I’ll be your memory. So they brought the war to us – now we…are gonna take it to them.

Or maybe…he got taken for a ride. It looks like…something…caught her. So our accident…is not an accident at all. So that makes this a seizure kit, and Mr. Whitley…a liar. So we have a victim who started the weekend big man on campus and ended it…dead on arrival.

Or the cause of it.


You’ve gotta move quick. The tide is rising…and we have a sinking crime scene. On the contrary; there’s a chance this guy is alive, and we…are gonna find him. Mister Seaborne, you are about to lose…your five star status. Frank, you better move quickly because right now…I’m your only suspect. Frank…it’s a killer.

Alex…Miamihas a new breed of criminal. I…am gonna get to the truth. Yes he does, Frank; he also…has murder one. That’s what happens…when worlds collide. Yes, and it’s time…to hit back. I don’t know…but he just got mine. Alex…that just…narrowed us down to one.

Yes, Frank…a dead body…can have that effect on you. The verdict is in, Frank…but the jury is out. Well…they found more than that. All we’ve got is that phone…she’s either dead or dying. So if he didn’t dive…he was pushed. All except…her last one. You help me…and I’ll help you. Join the club. Jessup, run! But they’re not…gonna get away with murder. Yes…everything…but you, ma’am.

We’re going to Brazil.

Anthony Burch