Games of the week for 04/12/09: Gethsemane edition

It is Eggmas Day. I saw a documentary on television this morning that tried to argue that if the resurrection of Christ was presented as a trial in a court of law, any unbiased judge would look at the evidence and rule in favor of Team Jesus. The primary bit of evidence they used? The empty tomb. Apparently, if you see a tomb and it’s empty, that’s evidence of resurrection.

An empty packet of beef jerky is now proof that cows can come back to life. 

Not that I’m saying it didn’t happen (because it definitely did), I’m just saying that the documentary was really, really lame. If you do the Jesus thing, I hope you all had a fine day. To celebrate, this week’s video is another clip from the fourth best musical in the world (After Little Shop of Horrors, Rocky Horror and Meaning of Life), Jesus Christ Superstar. I think it’s a pretty awesome song, this one.

Oh, and make sure to read our games of the week.

Aziz: About 20 games I’m not allowed to talk about yet and Henry Hatsworth. That game is such a bitch.

Ross: TF2, Left 4 Dead, and I restarted Lost Odyssey and am determined to actually finish it this time, so I’m not letting myself play anything else on console until it’s done.
 
Sterling: Dead Rising for the last time. Gave it its final chance to impress and it did not. Also played the new Crystal Chronicles for review, played as much as I could stomach before realizing I’d rather have a nailbomb detonated inside my scrotal sac. I recently played LocoRoco for the first time (finally) and have been utterly charmed by it.
In other news, I am kickstarting the XNA reviews again. However, I don’t know if I can say that I “played” a clock. Jesus fucking Christ, I have to review a clock!
 
Bennett: The Dark Spire, Class of Heroes, Tokyo Beatdown, Fatal Frame and a little bit of Resident Evil 5. It’s been kind of an Atlus-o-thon this week, now that I stop to think about it.
 
Concelmo: After playing an unhealthy amount of Peggle, I started Valkyria Chronicles for the PlayStation 3. I have to say: the game is the most beautiful strategy game ever created … also one of the best! I love it so much and easily rank it as one of my favorite games I have played in the last few years. 🙂
 
Chester: A bit of Rag-Doll Kung-Fu… alone because it’s foolishly doesn’t support online. Considering the first item on the menu list is “Multiplayer,” you’d think they would have figured out how to get it to work online, right? Also tried to play a bit of Flock! multiplayer, but wound up more frustrated than anything, with my wife and I bumping our ships into each other as we tried to herd sheep. I also have preview code of Battlestations: Pacific, so I guess I’ll be getting down and dirty with that.
 
Grigsby: Henry Hatsworth and No More Heroes, again. My 360 is dead as a doornail, so it’s Wii, DS city for me. Also may start playing Earthbound for the first time. Might be a good idea if we *cough* ever do a RetroforceGO! episode on it.
 
Burch: I don’t give a fuck how fun the last boss of Henry Hatsworth is, I’m not putting myself through another minute of this shit. I just beat the second-to-last world and my reward was the most tedious fucking sewer level in the history of sewer levels. The devs should have been forced to play their own fucking game.
 
Aziz: No! Trust me! The last boss is amazing! I beat it earlier after taking a break from all these previews and it’s awesome. The levels are indeed bullshit towards the end. You’re so close!
 
Burch: It’s a sewer level where enemies throw impossible-to-dodge projectiles and you perpetually move at half speed because you’re going through a sea of sludge in a goddamn SEWER. I don’t think I can make it.
 
Aziz: Hang on to the bomb power up. It works best, especially on the red enemies. Two hits with the bomb usually takes them out compared to ten sword slashes.
 
Burch: You know what works even better than the bomb?

Playtesting.

 
Aziz: Haha. I remember someone at GDC told me they were talking to one of the developers on Henry Hatsworth. During the conversation, the dev apologized for the second half of the game.
 
Chester: I mentioned how insanely difficult the game gets at the end. It’s do-able, but you need to find small patterns. I agree, it’s fucked. But Hamza is right; the last boss is awesome.
 
Ross: I’ve been enjoying the game quite a bit, an issue I’m having is how long the levels are though. I usually play my DS in kind of short bursts throughout the day, and I find that when I need to stop playing I’m still only like halfway through a level.
 
Chester: Yeah, I do find that the levels are far too long for a handheld game. Fortunately, I played through most of it at home, on my couch, for a review. But I could see how that could get obnoxious in short bursts, certainly.
 
Grigsby: This just in!! Reverend hates something mainstream!
 
Aziz: Haha, you kidding me? Henry Hatsworth isn’t mainstream at all. I hope this series takes off.
 
Chester: Every Electronic Arts game is mainstream. Didn’t you hear? Those guys are evil.
 
Aziz: So evil, that they put Henry Hatsworth under their casual games label.
 
Grigsby: True that. And where did this new EA come from? I was seriously thinking that the other day; Mirror’s Edge, Dead Space, Hatsworth … how did the house of sequelitis suddenly come out swinging last year with so many new IPs?
 
Sarkar: What Nick said. EA has also said that this year, they’re going to rethink their release strategy — Mirror’s Edge and Dead Space didn’t sell amazingly well, and that was partly due to the games getting somewhat lost in the shuffle of the ridiculous number of high-profile fall releases. Let’s hope the games are more spaced out in ’09.

I’ve been playing MLB 09 and Burnout Paradise, of course. But aside from that, I hung out with Dtoid NY at Chinatown Fair last night and played a round of Time Crisis 4 and a song in Guitar Hero Arcade, which I believe is the newest addition to that arcade. It’s just as awful as you’d expect an Activision product to be: it’s basically Guitar Hero III with a limited song selection; each song costs $1 to play, and amazingly, they have certain “premium songs” (one of which is “Cherub Rock” by The Smashing Pumpkins) that are $2, I think.

 
Burch: The guys who made Hatsworth just left and made their own indie label, so I can retroactively state that I hate an indie game.
 
Sarkar: You’re just doing it for the “street cred,” like Edge.
 
Grigsby: Rev secretly plays Gear 2 in his closet, late at night so no one can see because HE LOVES IT!
 
Holmes: Now that I have a DS again (via the DSi), I’ll have to get this Hatsworth thing you guys keep talking about. Is it harder than Mega Man 9?

*Drools*

So yeah, I have a DSi, and I think it’s pretty great. The photo and music channels have kept me entertained for hours. As for actualy games, I finally got to play Big Bang Mini, Retro Game Challange and Impossible mission for the DS, and pained my way through two hours of set up of Wario Ware: Snapped only to get ten whole minutes of gameplay. Still playing Art Style:AQUIA and Rune Factory: Frontier for review (both games are much tought to complete than they look), and tons of Birds and Beans.

If there were ever a game that defines the maxim “more fun than it deserves to be”, it’s Birds and Beans.

James Stephanie Sterling