Fanboy Friday E3 Extravaganza: Microsoft Press Conference

Each week, Fanboy Friday takes a look at some of the most ridiculous, asinine, and unintentionally hilarious comments made by fanboys from a variety of gaming sites.

Well, E3 has finally come and gone, and with it came heaps of new game and hardware annoucements. I personally thought each major company had at least one interesting thing in each of their major press conferences, and overall I was really happy with this E3 – it looks like it’s finally returned to what it used to be. Not everyone was happy though. 

In that spirit, I’m going to be highlighting the best comments concerning most of the major annoucements that occured over the course of the last week. We’ll just hit them in the order in which they were (officially) announced, and see what we can find. That means that, yet again, Fanboy Friday this week is going to be LONG. So long, it’s getting split up into three days – one for each of the major conferences. Microsoft will be today, Nintendo will come out tomorrow, and we’ll finish off with Sony on Sunday. In fact, if you’re lucky (and I haven’t killed myself yet), there might even be a fourth one on Monday covering things that weren’t announced in any of the major three press conferences.

So, here’s Microsoft. What did the gaming community think? I’ve taken a totally random sampling of comments to find out. Is Microsoft going to revolutionize the video game industry, or did they just show us a bunch of lame shit?

Prepare yourself.

Microsoft

Microsoft started us off with a bang on Monday, before the actual show even opened. Why so early? Mostly so they could try to steal the thunder of everyone else who has to go after them.

Beatles Rock Band kicked off the start of Microsoft’s press conference, as a trailer was shown right off the bat. What did hardcore Rock Band fans have to say about it?

XD WTF hahahahahaha Rock Band Beatles! HAHAHAHAH so fucking stupid!!!

Changing games to play the same f*n game… quite retarded…

Fuck you. You’re the stupid piece of shit here. CURSE YOU BITCH. THE BEATLES EAT YUR MOM. 

holy muther fucking shit cock sickle bitch OMFG.

I hope you get shot.

Once Rock Band went away, John Shappert came on stage to announce 10 new EXCLUSIVE games for the 360. Of course, by exclusive, he meant that most of them are coming out for PC too. We’ll hit all 10 of these, real quick. 

First up, Tony Hawk Ride and the new skateboard controller.

why use a virtual skateboard when you can just go skate in real life on a real board.. i only play skate when im too tired to reeeally skate

My question is what is the overweight gamer going to do will it support 250+lbs. (no I’m not fat, 6’4″ 160lb., so don’t say I”m wondering for myself)

this game looks horrible, graphics sucks, the sound when board moves is just like in thps 4. what the fuck is their problem?

looks like PSP graphics to me. get some glasses Tony Hawk fanboy.

After Tony Hawk took his skateboard away, the gentlement from Infinity Ward came out to give us a taste of Modern Warfare 2. Apparently it tastes a lot like snow.

dont get me wrong its a good game but the weapons portraied in the clip seem out of place seeing as the british SAS dont have guns with bloody motion sensors.

ps3 sucks dick haha you get no fucken dlc bitches. 

they picked the worst possible scenes to preview. It was so boring

Hope your xbox doesn’t brake when this comes out lol

fuck u asshole if your an asshole enough not actualy check wiki or something then go suck a cock off and put it where u dont have if real douchebag name is god damn john you pussy

go suck your two gay fathers cocks you fucked up father fucker. and shut the fuck the next time before i kill you, you father fucker and sorry you are not a fucking loser. your a gay cock sucking loser. so next time if you go blabbing your mouth, don t do it yo father fucker. if you ever say that shit to me again. i will murder yo, and ya that is a threat

Then, out came Square-Enix, to show off Final Fantasy XIII for the 360. Already a sore spot for many Sony fans, Microsoft really just rubbed salt in their wounds with the new trailer. I thought it looked pretty impressive, but not everyone agreed.

what this game looks dumb more jap rpgs i’ll take fable and Oblivion any day.

If you want to play Square-Enix’s top 3 new projects, you can either own A 360 + PC + PS3….or just a PS3. So.. you decide whats more expensive. 

Sry i could never understand why i should buy final fantasy it looks like a bunch of shit! i hate those asian games with the cute bitches who could never hold that sword..and the shiti attack-round system tzz man i want to play not to chose an strike or something

why do we have to play a some stupid bitch who probably wouldnt even be able to lift that sword in real life… bullshit

Next up was Shadow Complex, a sci-fi game that’s in the vein of the Metroid/Castlevania style of 2D exploration! Awesome! Or at least, I thought so…

Epic Games goes on to show that they can’t make a good 2D game.

360=SHIT 

I have a hard time understanding why they didn’t do this in 3D.

you can be sure it will be filled with glitches and the online (if there is any) will be unplayable due to more glitches and terrible networking.

not interested, it feels like a metroid prime rip off. and even the map looks the same. RIP OFF LAME 

he trying 2 look buff with his lil toddler shirt lol…he still look like a biatch lol 

looks a bit half assed

l0l fail at the aiming system. 

Well, Microsoft, it looks like you aren’t doing well so far. Let’s see what people think of your next game: Joy Ride.

too bad its a compy cat form the Wii mario cart concept, dam! Nintendo is always ahead

You guys are not very high on the intelligence meter. There is going to be nothing special about this game. A lot of people will get this, maybe be play it once in a while for a week, and delete it when they need space for something WAY better. 

No weapons? you can just customize your karts colours and put stickers on it? you have to buy tracks? why bother? Seems like a stunt game more than a genuine competitor to mario kart? feels very underwhelming to me..

sucks, a little to casual… did you see him miss that one jump? i don’t even know that you can crash… plus micro transactions? i don’t care that you don’t have to get them, what i care is it’s CLEARLY a bland as hell game and its OBV designed primarily to make you want to buy them

Well, I guess we can’t expect a free to play game to get people excited, because that just wouldn’t make sense. Crackdown 2 though, SURELY people have to be excited about that.

*Yawns
*Goes back to play inFAMOUS. 

Lol, GONGORA from lost odyssey became a COP

only reason people got the first crackdown was because halo 3 beta was on it

lol this game was the shit last time i played it 

i hope thats only on xbox cuz it looks…
gay as FUCK 

shame about the comic like graphics, i think they totally spoil the game because its clearly cheaper to produce. i think its what will give prototype the edge.

Jesus, gamers are hard to impress. At the very least Left 4 Dead 2, the sequel to Destructoid’s 2008 Game of the Year, has to get people excited. Right? RIGHT?

Woud rather eat Beaver Shit than waste money on this piece of crap

omg the characters look so bad if thats them from the first one then they really fucked them up

omfg that looks sooooo bad. the quality was just shit, too cartoony and fake

Do you have to find fried chicken and watermelons to regain your health? 

WTF MEXICAN SURVIVORS? FUCK THIS 

oh whoopy, Scarface, a big black nigger, a chick and Scout! Whoopy you made it look like shit Valve the whole point is the scary us not make it look like we are retarded and paint it with colorrful colours. It’s like TF2 trying to be scary this better be a joke.

I’m starting to lose hope here. What about Splinter Cell: Conviction?! Does anyone care about Splinter Cell?

1° – That doesn’t even looks Sam Fisher, the typical stealth guy turned into some kind of wild animal.
2° – Splinter Cell Franchise started to fail at Splinter Cell DA.
3° – God damnit Ubisoft.

Splinter cell is developing in the wrong direction. Double agent was a dissapointment

hey wise guy, we got God of war, FF versus 13, and lots more. What do you have? splinter cell conviction? thats it?”
eat shit and die, ps3 is fail. xbox 360 owns. good to see all sonys good games are coming to xbox, tekken, final fantasy.. 

snake wins by miles of course. And be honest people, the metal gear solid series along with its characters, music, cutscenes, and storyline is too epic for splinter cell, and its too rich. Admit it..

And now a game that no one except Vexed Alex will care about, Forza 3.

“Forza 3 looks to offer the most realistic racing experience ever, with 400 cars, 100real tracks and course from around the world.” – Well looks like they fucked up,
GT5 = Better graphics, better simulation, 900+ cars, and i’m guessing more tracks. 

ah please, Microsoft…they used the same cars, camera style, and drifiting from GT Prologue. WTF…Forza do’nt have his own style anymore…

hahahaha forza is bullshit now that gt5 has damage, dynamic weather and day and night plus realtime weather and time updates. forza is bullshit………………..

im tired of casual ass need for speed bitches saying shit like this is better. why is it that in nfs and forza all the cars have to have shitty squirly back ends? that isnt realism. id rather have road catering physics than slide all over the fucking road trying to always do some vin diesel bullshit.

i’d rather be a cigarette (that’s what fag means) then someone who has no life driving in a circle all day cuase he has nothing better to do

Well, I’ve been at this for two hours, and I’m not even halfway done with the conference yet. Here’s Halo 3: ODST.

This doesn’t look very High quality too me.

if this didn’t have the word “halo” in the title it would be getting comments saying it sucks and a 3 star rating. 

honestly, this looks like it sucks. THE ONLY REASON everyone is going bananas for it is because it has the word HALO in the title, just like halo wars. this is fucking pathetic.

is this game online aswell or no bc if it isnt then im not getting it..bcuz i wanna get halo 3 and ima get it in lile 1 month or so and dont wanna have it only for a few months tthen have to buy a new game bcuz everyone else is joining the other game…i hate that…

cannot feel eyes or ass i just shit and cried so hard

i don’t know i was just expecting an updated graphics engine, and i was hoping for more of a stealth feel like they portrayed in the first trailer. so that was disappointing. instead it just looks like halo 2 all over again. i could be wrong, but as of that trailer i’m not impressed

I love it how Bungie did the following to make this a “new game”
Changed the character’s model.
Changed the AI.
Changed the HUD.
New Weapons.
THATS A NEW GAME?!?!?!
BULLSHAT!
I’m sorry bungie, but I’m NOT buying this. If I wanted modern warfare(cough, 2. cough)
I’d rather…
A – Buy Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2.
B – Wait for Modern Warfare 2.
C – JOIN THE DAMN MILITARY!
Bungie FTL. 

Was one Halo game not enough for you? Have some Halo Reach. (Disclaimer: I have no idea what is going on in this first comment.)

YEAH I’M CHILDISH HALO IS ONE OF THE BEST GAME EVER DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY AWARDS IT HAS AND THIS KIDS LIKE i’m cool i have a fail station i suck farts out of my moms ass because fail station is the shittyst thing to happen to this plantent i would rather play pong or die before i bored my self to death on a fucking fail station 3 like it is the worst system ever and all u can say is oh does ur xbox have blue ray and i’ll say NO BECAUSE I PLAY VIDIOGAME AND MY CONSOLE DOEN’T FFFAAAAAIIIIILLLLLLLLL

I’m not a fanboy, I think Xbox rules and PS3 sucks balls, but so does Halo. Ya fuckin’ loser.

What happened to Bungie’s next big game not being Halo. 

Oh god another fucking halo game.Let is die bungie,let it die.

Milking the Cash cow ftl lol. Ah well, what left is there to do for a successful game trilogy. 

lolz, they are making tralers for games when they are stil making one, bungi is deff fail 

Ok, enough Halo. Finally, to wrap up their big game showcase, Microsoft finally showed us some footage from Alan Wake. This game had been hyped for a while, so I knew people had to be thrilled to finally get some solid information on it.

Eh…graphics look mediocre.

seems like a ghetto version of like silent hill

please be rated t lol my parents have shunned off letting me get anymore m games (accept halo and codmw2) 

Ouh…I was wishing for a puzzle solving game..

go eat sum afterbirth on toast spade face. the best part of u ran down ur mums leg u semi retard 

he looks like fucking uncle jessie from full house. 

oh my god you think i thought itwas a fuckin movie your the dumb ass i ment it has NO FUCKIN GAMEPLAY YOU DUMBSHIT HOW CAN YOU BASE HOW GOOD A FUCKIN GAME IS ON ITS FUCKIN CUTSCENE GARPICES!!!!!!!!!!! PS: im 13 and i am more smarter then you cos i got your mum to stop eating so much

This is almost pathetic… This game is gonna end up like duke nukem. Delayed like for ever and it will be a dump and out date exactly like the far cry 2 release 🙁

Well, Microsoft, you are off to an absolutely dismal start. All those games, and not a SINGLE ONE got anyone excited. Looks like it’s going to be a pretty shit conference. Let’s see what you have next…

Oh, Last.fm, expanded video options, Facebook, and Twitter?

This is actually probably the most underrated new thing Microsoft announced. I will totally be into Last.fm on XBL.

This is so badass! Seriously, it’s my favorite reveal of the day so far

Microsoft is doing what Nintendo should be doing.

YES!!

Alright! Microsoft’s game lineup might have failed, but it looks like they hit a homerun with this one. Can they keep up their momentum? There’s only two announcements left!

Out comes Kojima, to surprise everyone with the announcement that the next MGS game, Metal Gear Solid Rising, will be coming to the 360. Like most of the other games they announced, they try to imply that it will be exclusive, but it turns out it’s coming to PC and PS3 as well.

Its not exclusive and anyways as a huge MGS fan it looks like a pile of crap. Lightning bolt action? LOLOLOLOL Metal Gear solid should have ended at MGS 4 because it was brilliant now its just milking the franchise

metal gear solid rising will be a LET DOWN and short compared to mgs 4 since it is being released on the INFERIOR DVD FORMAT. LOL this game could have been made on the ps2 but the graphics would be shit lol. MGS 4 was the true end to the series. This is just a shitty spin off for the 360 owners who were begging for it LOL so no need to worry peeps. I Guarantee you that this game will be repetitive and a fuck up like devil may cry 4 was.

u and i know that the 360 cant handle a title like MGS. its just to much weight on there hands.

i don’t care if come for PS3 i won’t play the gay raiden

I ammmm enraageed!!!!
I hate you *GREEDY* kojima (his name written in lower case because of what he did)
Kojima I hope you die in young age..

THATS IT KOJIMA!!!!!
Not buying another one of your games. After all we’ve been through you do this?
GENTLEMEN. I saw we boycott this game. Don’t buy it.
LIQQQQQQQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ID
We had a good run kojima, but its over now. Things went downhill with MGS4, but this? Seriously? You made me wait through 3 countdowns FOR THIS

Great Kojima. Thanks for ruining what little momentum Microsoft had going with their conference.

So, after all that disappointment, we finally get to the big finale. Microsoft’s big surprise reveal. What is it? It’s Project Natal, Microsoft’s new motion control project, with complete hands-free gaming, skateboard scanning, and a weird little boy you can order around. This is thier last chance, will they be able to impress the gaming base?

That’s the thing, they’ll make it look like it works perfectly, but it wont. It probably won’t recognise different accents that well. The motion capturing is very expensive technology so this will probably suck seeing it has to be within a certain price range.

And this is how Microsoft will ruin the Xbox360…ok technology is nice and advance, but do I really have to wave my hands/feet like a dumb idiot in order to play a game ? `scuse me if I`m too old-school but the controller was divine, this seems like a cheap ass family-friendly haha so fun yay piece of shit…Seriously, we`re not Wii players…

This shit is soooo gay. Seriously. It`s for girls and 12 year olds. And happy families that play trivia together on Sunday evenings yay so fun…I thought Xbox360 was a serious and powerful gaming console. I miss the gaming styles back in the early 90s…No one wanted motion capturing shit back then…now everyone is listening to Timbaland`s robot music and playing the Wii…why don`t they just make motion-controller movies ? That should be fun…make your own movie…fags…

Ooooo, tyre fitting minigames, and arm fatigue. AND, I don’t have to do nasty, real sports. Microsofts fucked. Think of the law suites when all the fat bastards they created, drop dead from heart attacks. Seriously, though. The girl on the tv has the hottest voice ever! I’d fuck anything with that voice. 

This is the most retarded shit I have ever seen. Dear god I am at a loss for words. Who in their right mind wants to play a racing game with their arms outstretched for any extended period of time? This whole concept is beyond stupid and pointless.

I can’t help but feel certain that this thing will be a huge bomb. Did you notice how slowly all of their movements have to be. Who wants to play games with such slow, deliberate movement? It takes all the nuance out of the gaming experience.

Like every other Microsoft related technology. It will end up in a box being sent back more often than an Asian playing Wii. 

This is a load of trash! It obviously won’t work. It’s gonna be no more than a step above the Eye Toy, which was amazingly poor! Whoever wastes their money on this is a real sucker. If you want to dance around like a clown in your living room, just get a Wii!

u play video games cuz its less work than the real deal…..how im gonna do all that drunk in the middle of the nite……fuk microsoft eneeways….PS3 4 life bitches!…….have fun with your RED RING OF DEATH!…….halo lovin fags

Don’t be so excited
Look at the start of the video at bottom left
“Product vision:actual features and functionality may vary”
So wait to see the real product first in real games

Pop in a fleshlight and maybe a doll and you got yourself a fully functional porn simulator. 

If this actually ever gets made I am visualising a lot of people screaming at their Xboxes. annoying Xbox voice” Im sorry Dillard Billnore is the wrong answer” No I said MILLARD FILMORE DAMN YOU!

imagine if you was sat there having a wank, an your mate was at his an says ‘hook me up with john’ an you appear in the middle of his 32″ t.v lol haha

And there you have it – the gaming public has spoken. What does Microsoft get for their conference? A BIG FAT FAIL. Shitty games, shitty peripherals. You know you fucked up when the only good thing to come out of your conference is Facebook and Twitter. For all the talk of the ‘new revitalized’ E3, this certainly wasn’t it.

Will Nintendo and Sony do better? Or will this E3 be an even bigger pile of fail than last year? Check in tomorrow when we look at fanboy reactions to Nintendo’s press conference.

See you tomorrow!

Aerox