EGM reveals Guitar Hero 80s Edition; Winger still sucks

The latest issue of EGM reveals the next step for Red Octane, the developers behind every geek’s rock and roll dream machine Guitar Hero. Apparently during the new year, they will be releasing an expansion pack of sorts to their beloved Guitar Hero II in the form of Guitar Hero: ’80s Edition. The news overwhelmed many of EGM’s readers with joy for at least a minute or two until they realized they weren’t alive during the 80s and their parents probably don’t want them touching “the damn Hi-Fi”.

The game, will, of course, be a huge hit regardless of what they do with it, but we would like to suggest a few steps to ensure that the newest member of the Guitar Hero franchise can be considered the Randy Rhoads of rhythm games.

Hit the jump for our suggestions. 

Red Octane, if you’re reading this, you should probably start taking notes. This is the kind of gold that you can’t get from focus groups or peyote hallucinations (unless you’re Burroughs or Wilson, but I think they’re both dead). 

No Kip Winger.

If I have to hear his goddamn psuedo-Jesus-rock music coming out of my speaker system I will smash the damn guitar. Not in some kind of angst-filled-Nirvana-aping-Hendrix post song orgy of destruction either, I’ll probably just back over it with my car.

Themed Mini Games. You want me to feel like a rockstar from the 80s? Then I damn well better be able to snort lines of ants with Ozzy and subsequently get banned from Texas for pissing on the Alamo. If you can include a dongle for me to e-pee into, I’d be devoted to you guys for life.

Grrl Rock. Chicks are rad, okay? The Go-Gos made a celebrity sex tape before that kind of thing was chic and I think that alone should get them included in the game. Plus, back in the 80s Joan Jett was a fox. I want to remember her as she was then, not as the whithered corn husk she has metamorphosed into.

Satan. The 80s were the decade that propelled Tammy Faye Bakker into the limelight and she was the embodiment of a reaction to the twin evils of rock and roll and a countrywide surplus of eye shadow. We could definitely have done without her, but rock wouldn’t have been the same without His Dark Holiness. (Double points if you can get Dave Grohl to guest star as Ol’ Scratch himself.)

Obscurity. If you want to win points with the Vice-magazine-reading, American-Spirit-smoking, Momus-eyepatch-wearing hipsters of today, you need to go “unknown”. I wanna hear The Cars, sure, but I also wanna see some Slint and Andrew Wood on there as well.

Dragonforce. Yeah, I know they weren’t around in the 80s, but do you have any idea how much of a fucking crime it is that they aren’t in any of these games? They are the definition of shred and while it would lead to a few lawsuits when kids’ hands start bursting into flames, I am prepared to make out with each member of your development team if you make it happen. In a totally masculine way, though.

That’s all I’ve got. What about you guys? What do you wanna see from this game? Hell, were any of you guys even alive in the 80s?

Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.