Easter egg hunt postponed
We’ve received reports that a deranged man was spotted in a nearby public park wearing only his underwear while threatening people with a sword. As if that wasn’t enough, he then proceeded to douse the weapon in gasoline and set it on fire.
So far, he hasn’t harmed any people, but unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the local wildlife. As of the time of this article, his victims include: two birds, an adorable puppy, and a single butterfly.
Police are currently on scene and attempting to subdue the terrorist, but he’s been resisting arrest and chanting come sort of Greek curse, while repeatedly pounding his chest and stomping his feet.
UPDATE: The man has escaped the authorities and is currently still at large.
UPDATE: We’ve since learned that he was a failed fraternity pledge who drunkenly wandered off-campus in some sort of attempt to prove his self-worth. He is still considered to be intoxicated, armed, and dangerous. If seen, do not approach him.
UPDATE: We’ve obtained video of the earlier incident, which we have posted below.
WARNING: The following footage is extremely graphic in nature and viewer discretion is advised.