Produced by Steven Hansen, Executive Produced by whoever got a second season for The Big O
I’m sure you’ve heard the bizarre news. Netflix is working on a live-action The Legend of Zelda series that is described as, “Game of Thrones for a family audience,” which is kind of like if Breaking Bad was about Peanuts characters in a lemonade stand competition.
I think Netflix is missing a huge opportunity to take J. K. Rowlings’ Game of Thrones style–nudity and blood and tits–and present an aging Nintendo fanbase with a gritty re-imagining of the universe, but I’ll respect Netflix’s direction and cast a Legend of Zelda series where throne ascendancy disputes get solved like the time on Fresh Prince where it turns out Uncle Phil is really good at billiards.
Not everything on television can be mature content for grown ups about dragons and skeletons, after all.
Here’s my dream cast!
Kristen Stewart as Zelda
I’m leading with a bit of a dark horse here, but I think Kristen Stewart would be great as the series’ titular lead, Zelda. With the show being more narrative-based than the games, acting chops outweigh nailing a look. Stewart has evinced the former post Twilight (and, really, before Twilight too) despite her internet meme status as stone-faced. Seriously, check out the Clouds of Sils Maria trailer. As an added bonus, if Stewart does carry residual clout with teens because of Twilight, that could help sell this show to the zeitgeisty audience Netflix is obviously going after with irresponsible Game of Thrones comparisons.
Runner-up:
Carey Mulligan. The Drive actor is a safer, more conventional choice for Zelda with her blonde pixie cut and soft features.
Charlize Theron as The Princess
Assuming the show goes tried-and-true with the “Zelda has to save the princess” narrative because TV is rarely challenging, I at least want the actor that plays the Princess to be more than just a pretty face to save. I know Theron doesn’t do a lot of television, but, hey, this is a dream cast, right? She has a fire in her eyes capable of elevating her above a boring damsel in distress, even if the script is bunk and tries to write her as thus. Oh, and can we give her a name, please?
Runner-up:
Liv Tyler. Remember her in Lords of the Rings? There you go.
Danny DeVito as Tingle
DeVito’s made a career out of being a small, impish weirdo (also a good producer and a pretty good director), so, yes, it’s low-hanging fruit, but I’ll take a bite. Plus, DeVito’s been deep into the television game since Always Sunny. At least I didn’t go for the dwarf from Game of Thrones. That would have been too easy. I did just spoil my runner up, though, so now I need a new one.
Runner-up:
Mickey Rooney. Yes, he just died. Dream cast! Or, slightly more realistically, Capcom’s Yoshinori Ono.
Oscar Isaac as Ganondorf
It was tempting to go Tim Conway for a Dorf on the Diamond joke, but I want to be serious about this cast list so if I nail it I can sue Netflix for royalties. Watch the trailer for A Most Violent Year and tell me you don’t get chills. Isaac is finally getting his due as a hot as fuck, but also extremely talented actor (Inside Llewyn Davis, Drive) with appearances in the upcoming Star Wars and X-Men franchises, so I almost want him to cool off with the “young adult fantasy” roles, but no doubt that strong chin slathered in face paint could make for an intense Ganondorf.
Runner-up:
Idris Elba. Uhm. Speaking of the literally hottest fucking person on the planet. The Wire‘s Stringer Bell has gotten a bit more big budget American play with supporting roles in Thor, Pacific Rim, and Prometheus, but god dang does he need some starring roles. Even him as a villain isn’t enough. He better be the next James Bond.
They both get pictures because I made the Isaac one first but need an excuse to stare at Idris Elba pictures for a half hour.
Rinko Kikuchi as Tetra
Now’s the time when I remember we have little idea what characters, if any, from Zelda lore will be making an appearance in this possible new TV show that probably won’t happen. Now is also the time my dream cast casts its line seaward and I double down on the idea it be a Wind Waker show, because Wind Waker is the best Legend of Zelda.
Runner-up: No one. Rinko Kikuchi. Make it happen, Netflix.
Roberto Benigni as Linebeck
Yes, it’s a Wind Waker show, but a show is a show, and a show needs a few more defined supporting characters. Linebeck fits into the nautical journey. And, really, this is some acecasting. I’ve kind of impressed myself with it. Watch him as a taxi driver in Night on Earth and tell me that isn’t a good choice.
Runner-up: Al Pacino.
Kang-ho Song as Happy Mask Salesman
The actor who sold me on Korean cinema a seeming lifetime ago (The Host; The Good, The Bad and The Weird; Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance) while I shuffled my feet and worked my way up to Old Boy, Kang-ho Song recently showed up in Snowpiercer as an oddball. I think he has Happy Mask range.
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Who do you want to see in the show?
