I’ve been speaking ill of the PSPgo (or more specifically, Sony’s handling of the PSPgo) for a few weeks now, but let it not be said that I won’t put my money where my mouth is. Quite a lot of money, in fact, as I visited GameStop yesterday and acquired the latest PlayStation Portable. As I’ve said many times, I am a PSP fan and I wanted to love the new system, and I decided the only way to judge this machine was to have this machine. I now have one.
When I got home, I tried to get all my data and information from my old PSP-1000 to the PSPgo. However, Sony has not considered the idea of anybody wanting to do this, and decided to not only make it needlessly difficult, but to provide no instructions on how to do it. I’ve never really messed around with data transfer on the PSP before, so I was stumbling in the dark. I now present to you a detailed log of my first three hours with the PSPgo, and the eventual slip into insanity that it wrought.
The diary may differ ever so slightly from reality for comedic effect, but the miserable, embarrassing experience is based on a true story and pretty much everything detailed in the diary happened. Please read on and share my suffering in this diary of a PSPgo upgrader.
6:00pm: Have purchased a PSPgo using obscene amounts of store credit. Technically didn’t cost me any money, and I have some work-related reasons for owning one. Despite convincing myself that I had a legitimate reason to purchase a PSPgo, I still felt very ashamed when buying it, similar to the sense of guilt and remorse that comes with buying a pornographic magazine from a seedy newsagent. You can feel the judging eyes of the store clerk, knowing that there’s something wrong with you. At least with porn, they give you a discreet brown paper bag to hide your terrible wares inside. No such luck with the PSPgo. Everybody saw me buying it, and knew of the dirty thing I had done.
7:10pm: Returned home after a brief dinner stop. Time to get this thing going. Switched on the PSPgo; it took a while to come to life, but no matter. Already weirded out by the fact that many of the buttons are situated behind the screen. Only a minor issue, though; nothing to worry about. The first thing to do is to get all my old information from the PSP-1000 to the PSpgo. I’ve gotten very comfortable on my old PSP, with a wallpaper I like, all my PlayStation Network information and, most importantly, the games. Should be easy enough to take out my Memory Stick Duo and put it in the PSPgo.
7:16pm: What’s a Memory Stick Micro?
7:18pm: Oh. Oh, I see. The PSPgo doesn’t accept the previously standard Memory Stick Duo, because that would be a sane and sensible thing to do. Things have gotten difficult. How on Earth am I going to get all the data from one PSP to another if I can’t put the Memory Stick in? Please don’t tell me I’m going to have to connect my PSP-1000 to my computer, rip all the files from the PSP to the computer, then connect my PSPgo to my computer and copy all the files from the computer to the PSPgo.
7:20pm: Connecting my PSP-1000 to my computer so I can rip all the files from the PSP to the computer before connecting my PSPgo to my computer and copying all the files from the computer to the PSPgo.
7:30pm: There are several gigs of this stuff, by the way.
7:40pm: Okay, it’s time to play some videogames! I’m going to give Final Fantasy VII a quick spin to see what it looks like on the smaller screen … oh. I don’t have the correct copyright stuff. Of course, that’s all on the old PSP, isn’t it? Should be easy to find instructions on how to do that, right?
7:42pm: At the moment I can’t connect my PSPgo to the Internet because my wife is out of the house and she knows the WEP key. I am bad at technology. I had hoped to copy the Internet information from my PSP-1000, but we’ve already determined that it’d be easier to pull my fingernails out with a bar of soap. For the record, there is not a single shred of information in the PSPgo manual telling upgraders how to successfully upgrade. The Sony apologists weren’t kidding when they said the PSPgo wasn’t designed for upgrading customers. Also, did they seriously have to change the USB port on the PSPgo? Why was that even necessary? Is Sony doing difficult shit just for the fun of doing difficult shit? Wait, don’t even answer that.
7:45pm: Have decided upon a new course of action, or at least something to do to pass the time and feel like I’m accomplishing a single thing today. I’ve put the Media Go CD into my computer in the hopes that it will make data transfer much easier and allow me to put all my PSN information onto the PSPgo without any fuss. Should be a quick and easy bullshit-free installation, right?
7:50pm: Why the fuck is it installing QuickTime on my fucking computer?
7:55pm: Seriously, why the fuck is it doing this?
8:00pm: With some Adobe update and QuickTime now randomly installed, the Media Go CD finally decided to install Media Go. Who’d have thought an installation CD would install the thing it’s supposed to install? I now have this awesome media management tool on my computer. My plan is to connect to the PlayStation Store and then get all my PSN account information nice and snug on my PSPgo. Hopefully that will be the quickest way to make my PSPgo feel like home and then I can finally settle down to play some rockin’ videogames!
8:00pm: “A new update is available for Media Go. Please install this new update before proceeding.”
8:10pm: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY FUCKING PISSING FUCKING FUCK SHIT IN THE FUCKING WIND UP A FUCKING BELLTOWER OF FUCKING FUCKED SHIT!? This CD was released to the public TODAY! Why do I need to update it already!? I JUST CUNTING INSTALLED IT! I have been in my house for an hour … an hour … and I have done nothing but download, rip, copy, install, update, install, rip, copy, install, install and install. I just want to play some videogames! Sony, why won’t you let me play some videogames? I promise I’ll try to be a good person from now on. Do you want me to go to church?! I’ll go to church if that’s what it takes, I’ll believe in God if I have to, I’ll fucking kill and eat a baby if that’s what you command JUST LET ME PLAY SOME VIDEOGAMES — PLEASE!
8:20pm: Oh, thank fuck, the wife’s come home. Have aborted the whole Media Go idea and decided instead to get the WEP key, connect to the PSN, get all my account info and do things the old-fashioned way. Oh, now we’re making headway! Now we’re cooking with gas! Now we’re going to get rolling, son! I’ve got a good feeling this time. Everything’s gonna be alright from now on.
8:25pm: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
… You guessed it. I have to update the motherfucking firmware.
8:26pm: Downloading firmware v6.10 or whatever the latest bullshit number it is. It’s hilarious that Sony has seen fit to change everything about the PSP with this brand new model, but if one thing must stay the same, it’s the fact that customers will be downloading firmware more than they’ll actually be downloading games. It’s great that Sony saw fit to take the good things away and leave all the horseshit behind.
Ah, firmware download screen, my old friend. I haven’t seen you since … well, a few hours ago when I had to download you on my PSP-1000. And when did I see you before then? Oh right, it was just a couple weeks ago. And before that? A couple more weeks ago. I love you, firmware; I love you so much. In fact, I love everything Sony has ever decided to do. I love how unfriendly and needlessly difficult everything is. I love how Sony has its fucking head up its arse. This is so much better than the days of the Game Boy, when I could switch a games machine on and it would suddenly be able to play games right out of the box. Those days fucking sucked.
The battery level is low. Connect the AC adaptor and then wait for the battery to charge. The update will start automatically when the charge level is high enough to perform the update.
9:00pm: Still charging. Nothing has happened. This must be how Captain Oates felt on that doomed expedition to the South Pole. Isolated. Lonely. Totally without hope and in desperate search for a salvation that will not come. Frostbitten and faced with the knowledge that his continued existence brings pain and misery to all about him. I am just going outside and may be some time.
9:07pm: Switched my DSi on.
9:10pm: Oh Flipnote Studio Frog, you make everything better.
9:15pm: Singing Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” and pretending that I’m singing it to Samit.
9:20pm: Finally started installing. 5% … 10% … In a way, I kind of don’t want it to reach 100%. I’m hoping perhaps a crazed rapist with a fetish for fat Englishmen breaks in through the window before installation can finish and buggers me violently, slits my throat and shits into my mouth so that the shit comes out the hole in my neck, which he then fucks. I would prefer that to dealing with whatever fresh Hell awaits me in the next phase of this awful, awful saga called “trying to have fun with a PSPgo.”
9:27pm: Firmware installed, got onto the PlayStation Store. Not sure what to do now. That hasn’t made my PSPgo realize that I’m the same person who bought the games now lodged within its internal memory.
Where’s that rapist?
9:38pm: Just decided to throw files onto the PSPgo and see what happens. Oh, look, there’s a LICENSES folder. That must be all I need to get this shit working. Oh wait, no it doesn’t; it’s just changed the error message rather than fixed the problem. Instead of being told I have invalid copyright information, it’s telling me I must “activate the system” in order to play them. I have never been told to do this before. I am not being told how to do it. I am guessing this means putting the PlayStation 3 on and connecting the PSPgo to it.
It’s at this point I realize that if I had done this in the first place, then this whole sorry mess might have been over sooner. Or at the very least, I would have not had to deal with Media Go until tomorrow, when I would have the strength to face such utter crap.
For those keeping score, I have so far had to use a PSP-1000, a computer, and now a PS3 just to try and get my PSPgo operating on the same level I had my old PSP operating at. I love simplicity.
9:51pm: All done! In a way, I was kind of making things harder than they had to be, but considering that NONE of the instruction material for the PSPgo provides ANY details on how to transfer data efficiently, I was kind of stumbling in the dark. Still, the games are here, the licenses are in place, and now I can finally start playing videogames.
9:52pm: Ooh, Rock Band Unplugged Lite. That should be a cool game to try out. Let’s download it.
9:55pm: This download is fifty minutes long.
10:00pm: I’m going to bed.