Destructoid’s games of the week for 1/28/07: F*ck you like an animal edition!

As some of you know, Colette and I have been on vacation this week. We apologize that we haven’t been able to update much, but we have been drunk almost constantly since Wednesday. Updates will start flowing again come next Wednesday, but until then, you’ll just have to do without us.

To tide you over, I’d like to share with you a story about a trip to the zoo we took yesterday afternoon. Please keep in mind that everything I say here is one hundred percent true, and unlike all of my other updates, nothing in here is made up for the sake of laughing at those of you who actually believe me.

The Portland Zoo is a bastion of learning for children of all ages. It’s one of the few places one can see endangered animals from all over the world acting as they do in the wild. Apparently, “acting as they do in the wild” often includes animals getting freaky-nasty in front of large groups of impressionable youngsters.

Hit the jump for examples.

Sexy examples.

Case in Point Number One: Moments after entering the zoo, Colette and I walked through a section called ‘Pacific Shores’ which was home to many of the native creatures of the Oregon coast. The first beast we saw was the adorable otter (or, as the Native Americans called it “kintaluk’kuk” which, roughly translated, means “Irish Water Dog”) whose gay frolicking delighted many of the children standing around the half submerged tank. Of course, that lasted only a few moments before we realized that the otter, floating serenly on its back, was actually masturbating itself with its tongue, in a rather impressive display of aquatic flexibility. It didn’t take long for the token little girl to ask “Daddy, what’s that otter doing?”, to which her father responded “Um, it’s, um, cleaning it’s fur”.

Case in Point Number Two: Later we entered an area that was styled after a barnyard. It had the requisite sheeps and pigs and chickens, and as we stood in the freezing cold trying to warm up, we noticed the sheep were making tremendously angry noises at each other. We turned and saw that two of them had started fighting! They would smash their heads together viciously, until three others joined in and it became an all out fluffy brawl. As hilarious as it was to watch sheep smash their own brains in, the true glory of the moment only came when a sheep who, up until that point, had been sitting clamly in the background decided that now was his time to strike, at which point he approached one of the battling sheep and proceded to mount and hump wildly at the flanks of the angered sheep (who let out a startled cry and tried desperately to flee from his amorous brethren). This went on repeatedly until one of the other combatants decided to headbutt the aroused sheep in the groin with hilarious results.

In the end, trips to the zoo make you realize that animals love nothing more than kinky sex, and that humanity could learn a lot from a flexible little otter.


Moving right along, here is what the DToid editors have been playing this week:

Cybernetic Tiger Z:
I just picked up a PS2 recently. I have a ton of games to go through for it. First on the hit list is God of War. Almost at the end. It’s such an awesome game.

Nick Brutal:
After going to three different Gamestop/EB Stores and getting three different answers as to why they didn’t have Hotel Dusk, I finally found one at Target. Actually, I found five at Target. My local Gamestop still does NOT have Hotel Dusk, which is unbelievable, but true.

This week, aside from the small amount of play time I got in with The Burning Crusade, I’ve been playing an indie release for the GBA called Mazes of Fate. When I was first told about it, I thought “that sounds so generic, what could they possibly do with such a cliche idea?”, but after playing it a bit, I’m impressed by how seamlessly they combined Diablo with Wizardry. It might not be everyone’s cup o’ tea (especially since it’s on a dying platform), but if you’re into RPGs and you see it on shelves, you really ought to pick it up.

This has been the week of the DS. Honestly if I could marry an inanimate object it would be that little white box. On the plane this week I played Children of Mana, which has been a fair disappointment and definately will be going back to the store soon. The letdown was made better by Hotel Dusk, which totally sets a new standard for interesting and eclectic gaming. I also bought Contact today, per my hero Aaron Linde. Definately expecting some goodness out of that one.

After getting everything in Wario Ware: Smooth Moves, which took me a total of 4 whole hours, I have no other games to play. It’s utterly macabre.

It’s times like these I truly appreciate flash games.

I bought and beat Lost Planet which had a lot of bosses and even more annoying issues to the game that made me want to judo chop the guys at Capcom. The only other new game that I messed with was my bro’s copy of Kirby Squeak Squad and then I remembered how f’ing easy Kirby games are.

I’m not very far into Smooth Moves, but so far I’m really disappointed. Pass and play FTL.

Ron Workman:
Ms. Pacman and Uno on LIVE. Yeah, I know. Call of duty 2 & 3 still rock, aside from 3’s online setup which is garbage. I can’t believe that a game that is so immersive offline, has an online system that is put together so bad. The coolest game that I played this week by far was Crackdown on Live. Hooking up with another person in a Co-op match can be a nightmare but I am told that when the game comes out it will not be nearly as tough to link up. I have been so into it that I have had Lost Planet for over a week and I still have not played it. Crackdown is a blast. If you don’t have the demo, get off your ass and download it now. 

I made the mistake of going on a business trip and leaving my Xbox 360 on, so four days later I come back to a red ring and error 67: my hard drive is a paperweight. before that I was halfway through Lost Planet on it and was really digging it; that game lived up to the hype and was really happy with the reviews you guys gave it; my sentiments exactly. I also played Ms Pac Man (demo) on Live and need to get that when I have a working drive again. I am missing out on the Crackdown demo right now and hate life.

I also picked up Warioware and Madden for the Wii (loved Warioware, Madden’s going to transform into a store credit very soon) and I’ve been playing Dark Kingdom and Gripshift on the PS3. I also feel extremely guilty for not finishing Final Fantasy 12 and Portrait of Ruin and will be making my penance this week.

Aaron Linde:
Colette finally suckered me into buying Hotel Dusk, which is sitting on my desk as we speak. I’m so tired at the moment I can hardly spell my own name, so I’m putting it on hold until tomorrow. The weekend has been rich with Okami, Elite Beat Agents and Mazes of Fate on the GBA, but I could use something a little different — hence, Dusk.

I’ve been playing Harvest Moon DS, which I first played for 2 days before I realised a glitch in the game maybe all the people in town disappear. I had to restart my whole game to get them back.

I’ve also been playing Touch Detective which is the creepiest looking game ever, but so addicting. Touching is good!

I just wrapped up Final Fantasy I, and was about to start FFII; however, I realized that I’m just not up for another 16-bit RPG. So I’m between games at the moment, listlessly wandering in a digital no-man’s land. Boo.

Dick McVengeance:
I’m on the last boss in God Hand. Yeah, I’ve mentioned it about 8,000 times in this column, but I can’t finish the damn game. I think I may blast through Gungrave: Overdose real quick at some point in the week, and work on Pyschonauts in the future. Maybe I’ll even beat Jumpin’ Jack Flash on medium for Elite Beat Agents. Oh, the possibilities!

Robert Summa:
Hotel Dusk for the DS (though, does that count as playing?), Untold Legends on the PS3, and some Lost Planet multiplayer.

That’s it! If you’d be so kind as to let us know what you’ve been playing this week, I’ll go back to drinking rum in the shade of a mighty palm tree.

About The Author
Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.
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