Prefacetron3000: For those of you who have already been subject to this news, I apologize for bringing it up again, and for those who have yet to experience this travesty, I apologize beforehand for any trauma you might experience.
It has long been assumed that Hollywood as we know it is creatively bankrupt at best, and at worst exists only as a reanimated lich of its former self. Where once creative geniuses named Hitchcock, Griffiths and Welles created stunning works of art, we now get rehashed 80s toy commercials masquerading as summer blockbusters and neo-liberal propaganda masquerading as enthralling documentaries. The epitome of our current state of affairs lies in an intellectual property near and dear to my heart and I’d like to expose the stygian abyss it has become to your precious, virgin eyes via my weekly soapbox. I hope you don’t mind.
The original Jurassic Park was a thrilling movie combining psuedoscience, wicked awesome dinosaurs and this blond chick who I’m almost sure grew up to be a stunning piece of ass. It remained in theaters for an entire year and raked in more cash than most corrupt despots could choke out of their starving countrymen in a century. Of course, with that kind of success comes inevitable sequels that can never live up to the legacy of the first, and with the upcoming fourth iteration of the film series, they’ve crossed a new line in cocaine-induced idiocy. To quote IMDB:
One of the ideas featured a group of soldiers that were genetically crossed humans and dinosaurs. This was proposed by John Sayles.
Yeah. Dinosaurs with guns, trained by the government to murder babies. Perhaps it’s an ingenious allegory for our runaway military-industrial complex, or the obseletion of the human factor in an increasingly video-game-like theater of battle. Then again, it’s probably just the stupidest idea you’ve ever read.
I need a nap.
Thank any non-denominational deity that we can take solace in precious, precious video games! Here’s what we’ve played to wash that taste out of our mouths:
David Houghton:
I’ve not actually played much at all this week, but at the time of writing I am just on my way out to a party which I’ve been told with have a Guitar Hero room. I will be ensconcing myself in for the entire night and enslaving others to bring my drinks. As is only fitting.
Dale North:
I have to see that Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo has me back in its grips. It is so difficult to break away, and my horrid ranking proves it. I’m so happy that the PS3 version does not support voice, or I would be screaming at 3 out of every 4 challengers. Also, I’m pushing to finish up Resident Evil 4 Wii before I let myself dive into Persona 3. RE4 has never seemed so long.
BlindsideDork:
Since my recent 16+ hour rump with my girly Samus and my quick exploit through the jungles of Operation: Vietnam are out of the way, I started to do some Sniper Elite work. Can’t wait for Picross DS, until then maybe I will bundle up and get into Lost Planet and explore those new maps and get some Flash done this weekend.
Leigh Alexander:
I played Pokemon, of course.
I developed a collection of five handsome Shieldons, whose names are Jacky, Bobby, Lolo, Rocko and SHIELDON. I traded Lolo to Nex for an Azurill and Rocky to some Japanese person (who I imagine to be a hot, hot high school chick) for a Cherubi. Also, I finished BioShock last weekend and I’m now doing the Metroid Prime 3 thing. I can’t wait to get back to Persona 3.
Nex:
Well, let’s see … there was the obligatory World of Warcraft session; I’ve actually taken up PvP play and while I’m functionally just farming honor, I have to admit to getting a mild chubby every time I murder some innocent priest.
Also, as Leigh mentioned, I played Pokemon and spent a good deal of one of the nights this last week trading fictional creatures with Ms. Alexander. Somehow it wasn’t the geekiest thing I did last week, and I’m still cooler than you because it was TOTALLY with a girl!
Also, did anyone notice that two of her Shieldons are named after the long-dead Kennedy siblings? It would be creepy if it wasn’t also hilarious.
[Editor’s Note: Charmander was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. — Oliver Nex]
Chad Concelmo:
After defeating __________ and saving the universe in Metroid Prime 3: Corruption I moved on to replaying The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past for the 50th time. I can’t help it. I love that game more than words.
Colette Bennett:
I’m currently playing Permanent Vacation in Miami with mini – games BioShock, Lair, Warhawk and Monster Hunter Freedom 2.
Jim Sterling:
I’ve been borrowing some games while out in the States, including Lego Star Wars II, Vice City Stories and Spiderman 2. I can’t pretend I’m very fond of any of them, unfortunately. However, I was prudent enough to revisit this Gamestop thing ya’ll have and picked up an old favorite for cheap, Killer 7. Good God, I adore that twisted game.
Dick McVengeance:
Castlevania is my crack. I’ve gone through Harmony of Dissonance and Aria of Sorrow already, and now I’m about a quarter of the way through Symphony of the Night. As soon as that’s through, it’s time for Castlevania I and IV on my roommate’s Wii. Oh, and I’ve been touching some witches in Doki Doki Majo Shinpan and training my face to be more beautiful in Otona no Kao DS.
Topher Cantler:
I’ve been playing Mega Man 2. I have no explanation for this. Maybe it’s the awesome music. Also, I got bored with Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (sorry, kids) and started playing Blazing Lazers (LAZINGBLAZERS) on Virtual Console.
I miss my 360.
Aaron Linde:
Picross DS. Sudoku can suck a [EXPLETIVE REMOVED TO APPEASE ELECTRO’S PRUDE-ASS PARENTS] — Picross is the best passive puzzler ever created. And believe you me, if I could express my love for this game arranged in a grid with numeric cues, I would.
Faith:
I finished BioShock on the “Good” ending and I’ve been playing Carcassonne online with people.
Rev Anthony:
After ritualistically selling my copy of Stranglehold on eBay and vowing never to so much as think about it ever again, I’m left with BioShock once again. I’ve never before played a game through four separate times within the period of a month, but I think it’s probably going to happen by the end of next week.
[Editor’s Note: How does one ritualistically sell something? Did he have to slaughter a calf? — Curious Nex]
Nick Chester:
I’m working very slowly through Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, which is a great game, but I guess I’m a graphics whore — I can’t help but think how gorgeous it could be if it were on “true” next-gen hardware. It looks good, don’t get me wrong; I’m just used to being blown away by the Prime series. Both GameCube games were among the best looking titles on the GameCube. I remember playing and being awed by the visuals. That hasn’t happened once.
I played a ton of games at Midway’s event this last week, including Unreal Tournament III on the PlayStation 3 … I’m dying to have that game in my house. Now, please.
Hamsa “CTZ” Aziz:
Wow, I actually had time to play games this week! I played Army of Two, Burnout Paradise, and Team Fortress 2. I also played a game with Ron Workman on Thursday where we had to find something to do to kill 4 hours of our time while we waited in Redwood. FYI, Balls of Fury sucks.
Dyson Grigsby:
Aside from being pleasantly surprised by Metroid Prime 3 (it’s a really good game), I was also, once again, let down by that fact that Prime 3 still doesn’t feel like a true Metroid game. Yeah, I said it. And I’ll keep saying it till the day I die, so deal with it.
[Editor’s Note: I agree. With every fiber of my Varia Suit. — Space Pirate Nex]
Gameboi:
This week has been all about juggling a couple of games, and finishing none. Between Bioshock, Metroid Prime 3, Super Metroid, Stranglehold, and Super Mario Bros. 2, I’ve been a busy lad. In real life, I’m playing the evil game that has no winner: We are shorthanded at work, and schedules are getting shifted all around.
Grim:
I’ve become addicted to the Call of Duty 4 beta yet again; this thing just won’t stop being fun. Sadly, the only other game I was able to play for more than 10 minutes was Guitar Hero II, thanks to school starting and all of that jazz.
Now what about you? Double points to anyone who played Manhole or Loom.
