Destructoid’s games of the week for 01/14/07: United Kingdom edition!

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Nex, and today we will be learning about one of the most historic countries on Earth: the United Kingdom!

The United Kingdom (or UK as it’s commonly known to those who fear syllables) was originally a rocky outcropping of land in the sea north of France inhabited only by wolves and Vikings. Eventually, though, the diminutive, pale mole people who lived under the island decided they would like to bask in the sun’s rays as well and they drove off the Vikings and wolves with complex mathematics and their sharp, malformed teeth. All current residents of the UK are descendants of these mole people, and they retain their ancestors’ penchant for grubs and roots as a result.

Throughout the Middle Ages, the UK was a place of great strife, much like modern day Los Angeles. The Scottish were being oppressed by the ruling English, and it was common to see Scotch gangs driving through English “hoods” blasting NWA’s seminal minstrel show F*** Tha British. Of course, this kind of outright insult simply couldn’t be taken lightly by the English ruling class, and in 1091 three British soldiers were charged with the wanton beating of a Scottish man who happened to catch the entire incident on parchment. When the soldiers were acquitted of any crimes, the entire Scottish countryside broke out into riots and the looting and pillaging raged for weeks on end. The sense of betrayal felt by the Scots was only alleviated when one William Wallace was acquitted of murdering his wife and her lover, both of whom happened to be British.

For the next 800 years, nothing much happened. Let’s just skip ahead, shall we?

In May of 1975, England saw the birth of it’s future savior in the form of David Beckham. While he would become most famous for his exploits on the soccer field, he also spent a good deal of his adult life protecting England from roving sea monsters and draculas. For most of the 1990s, Beckham was the sole protection the UK had against such threats, and he racked up an impressive bodycount of all manner of mythological creatures, including the Minotaur, the Wolfman and Sir Ian McKellen (who, it seems, was actually a robotic dracula).

That about covers the entire history of the UK. If you have any questions, please email me and I will do my best to answer each question as thoroughly as I can. We sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed this fascinating trip through the past of the majestic United Kingdom and we hope you’ll continue to read past the jump, where we examine the history of Mexico’s greatest ruler Vicente “Death Machine” Fox

Yeah, I’m still not so sure what the hell that was. Here’s what we’ve been playing this week though;

Dick McVengeance:
I’m playing this game called “sleep” that I’ve been so utterly deprived of at CES. Now I get to move back up to school, so it looks like the handheld market is the only option for me, so I’ll be beating that last level of New Super Mario Bros. and then unlocking every last thing in Jump Super Stars. Unless someone gets me a PSP (Aaron…), that’s it for me.

Nick Brutal:
I’m about halfway through Lost Planet right nowand to be honest, my free time has been spent writing for Destructoid more and playing video games less. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s the way it’s been. I do it for the readers, man. I love you guys.

I picked up a copy of Mega Man: Powered Up for the PSP and that’s what has been taking up most of my free time this week. The inclusion of the first Mega Man game has led me to the conclusion that I was fucking amazing at video games when I was 8. I could destroy the game back then, but nowadays I can only beat three of the bosses. Today’s games have made me soft as a newborn kitten, and if I wasn’t so lazy, I’d do something about it, dammit! 

After I got back from CES I finaly tried Rayman Raving Rabbids and man is it disappointing. It’s basically playing a shitty version of Mario Party all by yourself. The plunger shooting mini games are fun, but the game is pretty much a big tech demo for Ubisoft to get used to Wiimote stuff. So good for them, but bad for us.

I haven’t had time to play much lately. Just finishing Castlevania: DOS and about to take on Portrait of Ruin after that. I’m really craving FF3 for the DS, but that shit is nowhere to be found right now. Just restarted City of Heroes and it’s as great as ever. The game of the week is Diablo 2 however, with I am proud to say I am playing with several other editors and having an absolute blast. Ridiculous fun.

Robert Summa:
I’ll be playing the PS3 and maybe some Rainbow Six. I still feel like I need to catch up with life after a hectic fucking week.

Playing Dragon Quest Rocket Slime non-stop! Also finished the game as I have like 84 or more slimes rescued. Next I play Harvest Moon when it comes in the mail.

I feel bad because I’ve been neglecting my pinatas and garden. They may be dead or something by now.


What about you guys? What has been tickling your fancy this week? (No, that was not a sex metaphor.) 

About The Author
Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.
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