Destructoid’s games of the week for 01/07/07: James Caan is a robot edition!

Destructoid prides itself on being the earthly home to all robots great and small. From the great supercollider robots visiting our planet from Mars to the tiniest Wii-controlled Roomba, we provide a safe haven from the slings and arrows of humanity’s great xenophobia.

To that end, we feel it’s our right, nay, our duty, to enlist the aid of celebrities who seem to have forgotten their mechanical roots. Cher, Meatloaf and Christopher Reeve (before he was de-activated) all embraced their mechanical backgrounds and became spokespeople for the robotic movement, and, as such, are idolized by millions of automated lamps and toasters that run linux all over the planet. James Caan, don’t you think it’s time that you stopped living the lie?

I present to you the following evidence of Mr. Caan’s robosexuality:

  • During the filming of Dick Tracy in 1990, Mr. Caan repeatedly referred to Warren Beatty as “that aged flesh creature” before spitting oil in his direction
  • Mr. Caan turned down roles in both MASH and Apocalypse Now citing “lack of futuristic humanoid enslavement”, and also that Donald Sutherland smelled like cat food
  • According to “In real life James Caan (who had been a football player in high school) was a much better athlete than Billy Dee Williams but in the movie Williams’ character, Gale, was supposed to surpass Cann’s character, Brian, in playing ability. So when they were racing on film, James Caan was forced to slow down considerably so that Billy Dee Williams could beat him.” It’s common knowledge that no living man is a match for Billy Dee Williams

Of course, you also have the damning evidence presented in the above picture as well.

Mr. Caan, we do not wish to tarnish your stellar reputation in the notoriously hateful Hollywood cliques, we just wish you would use your considerable strength of character to help out those less fortunate. Every time an automated arc welder breaks down, or a PlayStation 3 is hit by a stray bullet meant for it’s owner, we know you die a little inside. Why can’t you just admit to that?

This message brought to you by the National Council For Creating A Shiny Metal Tomorrow. 

On a completely different note, here’s what your favorite metallic editors have been playing this week:

Aaron Linde:
I FINALLY beat Final Fantasy XII tonight, and I feel as though I’ve just passed an elephant through my hindquarters in doing so. Seriously, that may in fact be my favorite Final Fantasy title ever — the game that finally usurps FFVI’s throne.

But now? God, everything seems rather insignificant. I got me some Devil May Cry 3, some God Hand, and Gunstar Super Heroes on the docket — the remainder of the weekend also looks to be chock full of Guitar Hero, both 1 and 2. There’s FFIII DS to finish, and even more that I’m sure to have already forgotten — and my last quarter of my undergraduate career begins tomorrow.


I’m trying to get 100% completion in Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin while tinkering with the game’s extra modes at the same time. I messed around with Serious Sam for an hour or so, but I eventually became bored and stopped playing. As always, Gears of War is still in the rotation, but now I really just want to play against people I know.

Dick McVengeance:
So, I thought I was going to beat God Hand. Boy, was I mistaken. The last level is beyond anything I’ve had to face before, and I’m just not ready for it. So, since I’ve got too much to do before CES, it looks like I’m stuck with the handheld market for now. So, my goal for this upcoming week is to actually progress in Trauma Center.

This week, I’ll be pouring as much time into FFXII as humanly possible before I get shipped back to college, where I will be PS2-less. Until then, I’ll be loot-hoarding and killing marks to my heart’s content.

I’ve mostly been burning out on casual games this week on the 360 and PS3. I beat Summa’s score at Geometry Wars and Time Pilot but can’t catch up to Nick’s, he’s a shmup beast. Blastfactor and Cash & Guns Chaos on the PS3 are a lot of fun — one of them is a Geometry Wars quasiclone in a sphere and the other is an updated Smash TV style game with lots of squishy sprites. And clowns. Lots of clowns. Lastly I’m in and out of paintings on my DS, Portrait of Ruin is a must have for any retro gamer. My adventures with Vaan are on hiatus again until I get a PS3 memory adapter cable. Rally X makes me feel old, I used to play that game nonstop as a kid. The smoke screen was revolutionary at the time.

After Aaron’s excellent article about why people should actually own a PSP (and specifically the section on how fucking awesome Capcom is), I went out and picked up Mega Man: Powered Up. I had totally forgotten how amazing the original Mega Man was, and this game not only provides you with the goodness of the original (with improved graphics), it also gives you a remixed version, a thousand (no exaggeration) mini-challenges to complete and a metric cunt-load of unlockable content. If you’ve ever enjoyed a Mega Man game, you should totally pick this one up. It’s the definition of hot.

I’ve also recently started getting back into Diablo 2. Nagiko convinced me to go pick it up and myself, her, Ishaan, and theoretically Aaron Linde (as soon as we can harass him into picking up the Battlechest) have been molesting the demonic hordes with righteous fury. Blizzard has cemented a place as one of my top 3 developers of all time, and Diablo 2 is a huge part of that. 

Nick Brutal:
Streets of Rage Remake, baby.

Fish Dude on the Game Boy. Swamp Thing on the NES.

I’m obsessively killing minotaurs in Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin to level up my weapon skills.

I just picked up Rainbow Six: Vegas (360) today, because I’m sick of hearing everyone rave about how great it is. I’ll be the judge of that.

I also picked up Karaoke Revolution: American Idol and combined with alcohol, that will equal a party in my house as well as in my pants.

Now that I have a DS Lite I’ve been playing Harvest Moon DS and Animal Crossing: Wild World. I can see myself having a lot of fun with AC for a few weeks and then not touching it again, but keep playing Harvest Moon for a long while, then finally ditching it for good and going back to AC.

Just started on Final Fantasy V for the GBA, and I’m loving it so far. The job system is really neat. Other than that, I’m still playing Ragnarok with our other readers and editors, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

We also started to play Diablo II again last night. God, I never tire of that game. It’s like the cheeseburger of RPGs.

Ron “What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Puppet’s Mouth” Workman:
Not one game I don’t think again. Just getting CES stuff together all week. Cool news, I’ll be playing the Wii and also “Who can spit in Puppet’s mouth the most” which I have been looking forward to for a long time. STD”S and Tranny’s here I come. Vegas baby… Vegas!!!!

Robert Summa:
Resistance: Fall of Man. Single player is hard and addicting and the custom multiplayer maps bring back memories of Halo and PC online gaming combined. Massive damage ftw!

I’m picking Final Fantasy 12 back up and once again pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to die in this game. Castlevania: DOS is still spending a ton of time in my DS. On the side, I’ve picked up Diablo 2 again (it’s like a smack addiction that never quite goes way) and am running a Necromancer who’s way too much fun. It’s simply a delight to have a little skeleton army. They should make those in real life.

Still playing Final Fantasy 12 and having my butt handing to me but five little vegetable people. Also playing Mario vs Donkey Kong 2 still, I’m on level 6 with all silver stars in my levels. I plan to play it through with silver and then go back and try for gold on all the levels. 


What about you my little homonids? What have you been playing this week with your fleshy digits?

About The Author
Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.
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