Hi there, mothers of Destructoid readers! While you’re busy checking your son/daughter’s computer for illicit porn, you’ve probably stumbled upon our happy little corner of the Internet. Well, while we do suck away your child’s time from friends and family, we’re trying to give back to all of you. I’ve put together a little Christmas list of some games that you can buy for your kid.
Whether they own that big black box, the big white box, or the one with the remote control that they keep shaking about, we can give you an idea of what to desparately ask that disinterested teen at the counter for. We’ll even help you find gifts for that Gameboy with two screens, and that other handheld with the funny discs that go inside. So, just press that button down there that says “view story,” and you’ll find a nice list.
And no, Dick McVengeance is not my real name.
There are a whole host of videogames out there. Yes, yes, I know that Barbie’s Island Adventure is a tempting choice. Yes, Madden 08 is really cheap if you buy it for the Game Boy Advance. You’ve got to focus! There are a bunch of games out there that are bad. You know how there are enjoyable TV shows like House and Heroes? Well, compare that to the crap like General Hospit— oh, you love that show? Well, crap. There goes that example.
Here, just do this. Print out this list below, and then go and check where your kid keeps all his videogames. Cross off the games he already has, and then take the list to the nearest game store and just hand it to a clerk. He should be able to help you, provided he’s literate.
Also, if you’re looking for porn, and your kid is reading this site, try doing this: go to the start menu, hit search, and then try these keywords: “hentai,” “yaoi,” and “shota.” You should find quite a few things that way. Oh! Also, don’t forget to check the “search hidden files and folders” option. You’ll thank me.
And as a serious message: pay close attention to the ESRB ratings for games before you buy them. If you’re unsure about something, ask. There’s nothing I hate more than seeing a parent buy a game rated Mature for a 10-year-old. Mature games are meant for those 17 and older. I suggest following those recommendations, because they’re there for a reason. For more information, check out the ESRB website at www.esrb.org.
1. Super Mario Galaxy (Rated E for Everyone)
2. Metroid Prime 3 (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Violence)
3. Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure (Rated E for Everyone)
4. Super Paper Mario (Rated E for Everyone)
5. The Godfather: Blackhand Edition (Rated M for Mature – Violence, Sexual Themes, Language)
6. Escape from Bug Island [SPECIAL BONUS!] (Rated M for Mature – Blood, Violence)
1. The Simpsons Game (Rated T for Teen – Language, Suggestive Themes, Alcohol References)
2. Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction (Rated E10+ for Everyone 10+ – Fantasy Violence)
3. Folklore (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Fantasy Violence, Mild Suggestive Themes)
4. Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Violence, Language)
5. Call of Duty 4 (Rated M for Mature – Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language)
1. Rock Band (Rated T for Teen – Lyrics, Mild Suggestive Themes)
2. BioShock (Rated M for Mature – Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Language)
3. The Orange Box (Various, T-M – Blood and Gore, Intense Violence)
4. Guitar Hero 3 (Rated T for Teen – Lyrics, Mild Suggestive Themes)
5. Virtua Fighter 5 (Rated T for Teen – Violence, Suggestive Themes, Use of Alcohol)
1. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (Rated E for Everyone)
2. Pokemon Diamond or Pearl (Rated E for Everyone)
3. Puzzle Quest (Rated E for Everyone)
4. Phoenix Wright 3, or whichever Phoenix Wright title they need next (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Language)
5. Chibi-Robo: Park Patrol (Rated E for Everyone)
1. Silent Hill Origins (Rated M for Mature – Blood and Gore, Violence, Sexual Themes, Language)
2. Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Fantasy Violence)
3. Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Violence)
4. Jeanne D’Arc (Rated T for Teen – Fantasy Violence, Mild Language)
5. Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops+ (Rated T for Teen – Violence, Mild Suggestive Themes)
1. World of Warcraft Battle Chest (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Suggestive Themes, Violence)
2. The Orange Box (Various, T-M – Blood and Gore, Intense Violence)
3. World in Conflict (Rated T for Teen – Blood, Language, Violence)
4. Lord of the Rings: Shadows of Angmar (Rated T for Teen – Blood and Gore, Violence)
5. Crysis (Rated M for Mature – Blood, Violence, Strong Language)
2. Mario Tennis
3. 3-D Tetris
4. Red Alarm
Now, the editors are a greedy bunch, I can tell you that. I asked them for help with this project, and to help me with ideas. But no! They ignored that and went for the second part of my question, where I asked them to name what they’d like to find under their tree. Well, they’ll see a lump of coal from me — save for Nex, because he came down the chimney at the last minute with a big bundle of suggestions.
Now, whether you’re Santa Claus or Rich Uncle Pennybags, the editors have wants too. If you wanted to buy an editor something, what would you get them? Well, nearly everyone was just jumping to give out this information, so here’s the lowdown!
Niero: “I want a Space Harrier II full motion arcade machine and the ability to summon breakfast in bed on demand.”
Faith: “PS3, but the 60gb because I want backwards compatability.”
Linde: “YOU! NAKED! DEEP FRIED!”
CTZ: “I don’t celebrate Christmas, because I’m Muslim.” In other words, send CTZ bacon.
Topher: “I want a Sega Saturn! :O “
.tiff: “I want a Rez vibrator!”
Dale: “Videogame-wise, I want nothing – I’m spoiled. Otherwise, I’d like a SSL Duende.”
Husky: “Rock Band, Assassin’s Creed, Mario Galaxy. Also, A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD”
Leigh: “I want Ys I & II on virtual console, a pet pig, a Japanese love doll and diplomatic immunity.”
Orcist: “I too would like the ability to grow a beard. A new computer and anything next-gen would be nice, but really … a USB SNES controller to play my “backup” games with would be lovely.”
Chad: “I would love a Princess Peach tattoo. Where? You decide. :)”
Gameboi: “Much like Orcist said, the ability to grow facial hair would be nice. Other than that, I’d like to see a good Superman game on a next…um….current-gen console, a kick-ass Justice League movie, and to hear something positive about the PS3 for once.”
Jim Sterling: “This year I think I am going to give my friends and family copies of Manhunt 2 and Conan, just to show how much I love them. I think I should give myself Rock Band.”
Dyson: “I have no idea what this is about, but if someone’s buying gifts Dyson wants Rock Band!”
Colette: “I want a real chocobo.”
Fronz: “I want Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune so I finally have a good reason to turn on my PS3 for the first time in months. And Ass Creed and Ass Effect for the 360, of course.”
Nex: “Well, aside from the standard lies about peace on earth and happiness for everyone I know, I’d like ridiculous amounts of money. Actually, let’s not be greedy. I’d settle for $3 million or so, assuming it was untaxed. Also, and end to land mine fatalities in third world countries. If it’s good enough for Princess Di to rally against, it’s good enough for me to use as a throwaway comment.”
DMV: Me? Nothing really. I just want to get together with everyone at Destructoid and everyone in the community and have a good time together. You have no idea how much we editors love and respect the community here at Destructoid.
This Christmahannakwanzakuh, what are you readers expecting under the tree/menorah/crop harvest?