THE GREAT MOUTH DETECTIVE
Yesterday, Jordan, Brett, and I came to a stunning conclusion in our daily office chatroom, in between images of cute animals and Hitler playing Xbox 360: we are all top-flight taste makers in the cereal world. You see, we all rightly agreed that Honey Bunches of Oats (with Almond) is the best cereal.
Then Darren “The Maw” Nakamura burst onto the scene trying to steer us towards some bougie ass shit.
This spun off into a conversation about the virtues of big bowl/small bowl, as well as big spoon/small spoon. Full disclosure: I am big bowl, big spoon, which is pretty consistent with staff present at the time. Though Patrick has moved from big bowl to little bowl and Brett is team little spoon because, “man, I don’t want to feel like I’m putting cereal in my mouth with a shovel.”
And all of this lead to Darren feeling compelled to validate his big spoon lifestyle, even though it wasn’t in question.
Ooooh, big man, with his big spoon. Look at me, I’m Darren Nakamura, the biggest-mouthed man in the world and that’s why I need a big spoon. Because I’m special. Because I’m better than you. Well fuck you, Darren!
The Maw refused to send us photographic evidence of this alleged teeth rimming and so I took to my fridge, grabbed a can of Modelo Especial, and went to see if I, too, could fit my teeth around the rim of a soda can — Darren’s sole claim to fame besides a closet full of polo shirts organized by color, his Love Sac, the gallons of crude oil he keeps on hand at home, and that time he got beat up by an 8-year-old girl.
And you know what?
It’s some easy ass shit.
Here are photos of as many Destructoid folks that would answer my staff-wide email, “Please send me a picture with a can in your mouth,” proving that Darren is full of shit and entirely unspectacular.
My boy Mike Martin was on the request in five minutes.
Myles Cox champing at the bit.
Jordan “Devore” Devore fearful, but standing by his man(s).
CJ Andriessen‘s glasses look like they’re floating in front of the cellphone. Optical all and illusion! (This is a literary terminology joke about a pun, a joke about a presupposed joke, good lord)
Check out Brett Makedonski‘s dope new ‘do. Hope his haircut yesterday didn’t ruin it because I get to peep those locks in person on Saturday.
I feel like Patrick Hancock is technically correct while still gumming the sides?
This is why I don’t work with children. See what I’ve got to work with? Okay. Fine. Jonathan Holmes‘ son must’ve inherited dad’s jaw and Holmes’ nose is proportional to a 12 oz soda can as Baby Holmes is proportional to Big Daddy Holmes. Because Baby Holmes can get Big Daddy Holmes’ nose in his mouth, therefore Jonathan Holmes, too, could get his mouth around the can.
Zack Furniss doesn’t have a single canned beverage in his home. Point. Point and laugh it this poor, pitiful creature.
El Jefe Niero always needs a good potential stabbing weapon on hand, therefore bottles.
Of course, ya boy Steven Hansen here also needs to put up. The most impressive thing is that there’s another can behind the one you can see. [Editor’s note, but, actually just me still, Steven: The Modelo was the only canned drink I had in my home, leftover from a party last month.]
And there’s the man himself, Darren “The Maw” Nakamura…