Crypts, ranked

No grave errors here

Crypts! What do they have to do with video games? I’m not entirely sure! To the list!

7. Cryptocurrency

You hear about the guy who accidentally threatened Thailand’s sovereignty by living in an ocean house off the coast of Phuket? Thailand is trying to give him the death penalty. Whoa, big fuck up! Anyway, he’s a “bitcoin trader” and this is how I expect all bitcoin traders to act. I guess he’s correct in distrusting governments since there’s one literally trying to kill him right now.

Further reading on the subject: This very good article titled “Hey Idiots–You’re Gonna Lose All Your Money On Bitcoin, Idiots.”

6. The crypt in Diablo

I think there’s a crypt in Diablo? Isn’t that whole game just one big crypt and then you fight the devil? Very spooky.

5. The Game of Thrones crypt

I don’t watch it, but I’ve recently learned there’s a crypt in Game of Thrones. Reader, I am very interested in this crypt. Like, not enough that I’ll start from the beginning and watch 1,000 hours of television to get caught up. But I might ask a friend to recap what happens in the crypt, and I’ll solemnly nod along and occasionally mutter “I knew it. I fucking knew it.”

4. Crypt of the NecroDancer

More crypts that I technically know nothing about — but Patrick says it’s extremely good! I’m not about to buy a Dance Dance Revolution pad to Dougie my way through dungeons, but I trust Patrick. But I don’t trust him enough to make this number one.

3. King Tut’s crypt

King Tut, and all Egyptian mummy kings, hang out in swanky-ass crypts for all of eternity. That is, until some jamoke finds them, unseals their tomb, and gets killed by a curse. This sort of glorified grave robbery seems like a spectacular-yet-undignified way to go out. Unless it’s The Rock who curses you. That’s worth it.

2. The Parisian catacombs

There are, like, 14 billion skulls hanging out underneath the streets of Paris. It is — and I do not use this word lightly — badass. One time a punk band snuck in and played a show and that is — and I do not use this phrase lightly — punk rock as all fuck.

Why so many skulls? What do I look like — a free online encyclopedia? All I know is I took a poorly-lit Skull Selfie once.

1. Tales from the Crypt

I could write words here but you don’t need words. You just need the Crypt Keeper’s unnerving laugh, and you’ll know which crypt is the world’s greatest crypt.

There are exactly seven crypts in history. No more, no less.