Classification is a major endeavor at the Destructoid Insitute for Critiquing Kusoge. Before we can critique, we must first establish what is and what isn’t kusoge. That is to say, a crap game. Even though I am the foremost and sole member at the institute, it can be quite a challenge, as was the case with the Carmageddon series.
Carmageddon has a lot of the facets of kusoge. Each game invariably controls like garbage. Its vehicle physics is detestable. And the mechanics are very loosely tied together and wobbly. However, as I was doing the legwork to establish the series as kusoge, I realized that, while they are concept-first games, they are fun to play under their own merits.
However, there are (at least) two exceptions in the series. The first is Carmageddon 64, which is not only the undisputed worst in the series. The second is Carmageddon TDR 2000. On its Steam store page, it’s actually advertised as “the turd game in the Carmageddon series…” If this game is the turd, then what does that make Carmageddon 64.
’90s design enters the new millennium
We always assumed that rich people would bring about the end of the world, but I doubt anyone thought it would be so literal. The opening cinematic of Carmageddon TDR 2000 lays out that all the privileged folks moved into isolated communities and then nuked everyone else. That’s weird. Who makes the coffee in these communities?
You play as someone outside these communities who is pretty angry. I thought the idea was that you’re trying to raise hell inside one of these perfect cities, but apparently, that’s not it. Instead, you’re just trying to get into Paradise City. Along the way, you also participate in your typical Carmageddon setup.
If you’re unfamiliar, Carmageddon is a series that sells itself on the fact that it’s a game about running over pedestrians, or “peds” as the games refer to them. It’s an incredibly ‘90s concept; a time when pushing the limits of taste was a marketing strategy, and we celebrated characters for being assholes. But while scaremongering politicians and news publishers would say that games like Grand Theft Auto would award you “points” for killing people, Carmageddon actually does that.
Each “race” gives you three ways to win. You can either go through all the checkpoints and complete laps, run over all the peds on the map, or “waste” all your competitors. Even if you want to just drive carefully and run the track, you’ll find yourself with a deficit of time. You’re essentially required to kill people to succeed.
The most boring sociopath
The fact that this is a sufficient selling point to ensure the series’ endurance might be a bit disconcerting, but there’s no denying it’s put to good use. Even though the games invariably have really terrible driving physics, the freedom of choosing whether you explore for more victims, have a demolition derby with your competitors, or just drive along the golden path works really well. The addition of explorable environments also tickles that part of my brain that liked hunting for the keys in San Francisco Rush.
Killing all the peds may seem like the most fun way to clear a track, but even in the most sparsely populated environment has hundreds of people roaming it. Sometimes, the peds aren’t even conveniently on sidewalks or crossing the road. Carmageddon TDR 2000 puts potential roadkill up on high ledges and hidden in small nooks. The timer that counts down your freedom caps out at four minutes, which means you don’t have a lot of time to try and find some jerk hiding in a cupboard. The only people I see trying to win this way are some really boring sociopaths.
If you’re not that specifically unique, you’ll either want to run the checkpoints or kill your competitors. Unlike Carmageddon 64, I’d weigh these choices equally. Your competitors don’t wander as aimlessly as they do in Carmageddon 2, but they’re also not as eager for slaughter as the N64 port. While they respawn in your region if they get too far away so they always turn up eventually, the combat is extremely unsatisfying, so just driving the route while taking in the scenery isn’t a bad alternative.
Time I’m never getting back
In terms of what makes Carmageddon TDR 2000 the “turd” of the series, well, that’s probably a bit of a reach to make a joke about it being the third game. The statement kind of makes it seem like the rest of the titles were solid gold, which they really aren’t. They’re invariably sloppy, held together by an enjoyable concept with clever execution.
I guess Carmageddon TDR 2000 was the breaking point for some people. It was handled by a different developer, but while the finished product isn’t great, it doesn’t feel like Torus phoned it in. The core concept is still here, and I actually enjoyed the game’s environments. I think what really demonstrates that the game isn’t that bad is that I spent a huge portion of my weekend playing through it. Something like 14 hours.
The whole production is extremely rough. The physics are even wonkier than they have been in the past. I had instances where parts would fall off my car, then get caught in the collision model and start floating around it at high speeds. This usually resulted in my car getting torn apart by its own estranged fender. Other times, I’d get stuck in the level geometry at crucial moments. You can respawn your car at any time with only a modest fee from your deep wallet, but that won’t help you if you run out of time because you get stuck inside a guardrail.
For that matter, while I find the environments to be fun and detailed, the way they’re used in missions is aggravating. There’s a surprising amount of verticality to many of the stages, which has you climbing up ruined skyscrapers and making jumps over various sizes of gaps. These gaps often don’t take into account the braking speed or acceleration of the various vehicles, so you might be mashing the respawn button.
Precious oxygen
The races in between the missions were like being given a breath of air between getting waterboarded. Each time, I’d brace myself. Would this be a simple mission like running over 20 mutants, or am I going to have to fight a shark while grappling with terrible underwater physics? Would I have to assemble a bomb for the 15th time or land a jump on a small patch of terrain under an extremely strict time limit?
Then, there are the power-ups that are liberally scattered across the environments. While some of these are very helpful and sometimes even necessary, they share a random mix with ones that directly hinder you. There are power-ups that turn your suspension into jelly or reverse your controls, and there’s no way of telling them apart. I largely learned just to avoid them entirely; it wasn’t worth it. That was easily the most painful part of Carmageddon TDR 2000.
Actually, not quite. The worst part of Carmageddon TDR 2000 is the fact that it is a PC game from 2000. I always hate going back to this era, because even if it runs in a modern OS environment, there are always issues with modern sound hardware or screen resolutions. Carmageddon TDR 2000 required some tweaking just to look right while running, but then a lot of the text and menus got cut off. Even the config menu – completely separate from the game proper – only let me access the left half of the menus. If something doesn’t look as good as it should, that’s why.
I never even got to see the mission text unless it was long enough to run past the black aspect bars. That made figuring out what I needed to do even more difficult. I didn’t even realize it lists the objectives in the map screen until way late in the game. There was also no music, which is related to the Steam re-release, but I think I’m happier because of its exclusion.
This isn’t really a problem with Carmageddon TDR 2000 or an issue with the developer. I just really wish it was easier to run early Windows without having to perform an arcane ritual.
TL;DR 2000
I really didn’t hate Carmageddon TDR 2000. Oh, it irked me plenty of times, but it was fascinating to play. It made me think really hard about what the breaking point is in Carmageddon’s formula. How come I could tolerate this but not Carmageddon 64? Is it just minor details in the game’s quality? Was it Carmageddon TDR 2000’s notable lack of techno music? Is it the added experience and trauma that has resulted from me writing these articles for over two years?
If anything, Carmageddon TDR 2000 has given me a powerful urge to spend more time with the better-loved entries in the series. So far, I’ve only taken shallow dips in the first two games. It’s maybe about time to fix that.
Shout-out to Stainless Games and THQ Nordic for putting Carmageddon TDR 2000 back on sale with a store page that directly says that it isn’t very good. I truly wish more publishers would do this. Just acknowledge that few games have a perfect track record and embrace all the missteps. It’s easier to appreciate the clean air from a series’ peak if you’ve first taken a dip in the cesspools below.
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