On Friday, Bungie released their weekly update, discussing the CG used in the recent Halo 3 trailer, the “Bubble Shield” and … Ok, screw this. There is no way I’m writing an update about which member of Bungie fell out of his chair, or how many times someone sent them a sock encrusted with bodily fluids to show admiration for the Halo series (Rob, I’m looking in your direction).
Sadly, I think I’m alone. These weekly “updates” (face it, if they had a mood indicator and a blurb about what they were listening to, it would be a Livejournal post) are picked up by video game news organizations, and tens of thousands of people all over the world, in the same way that our simian forefathers first gathered around a black obelisk. People sit half naked digesting every bit of minutiae that can possibly ooze out of the orifices of Bungie as if they were an Egyptian Plover picking scraps of hyena from between the teeth of a crocodile for sustenance.
Let’s get one thing straight; Halo is a fun game, but that is all it is. It will never help you move a couch up a flight of stairs, it will never loan you money when you want a lap dance and it will never fellate you for hours while you sit in a kiddy pool full of cash that only your bountiful internet celebrity could provide. Do the people at Bungie read your blog? Do they care if your girlfriend got pregnant because you left the condoms on the heater over night? Do they hinge on the saga of your ongoing conflicts with your manager at the Cinnabon? No! They go home every night to their families and they pray to their various gods that you all die.
Ok, maybe they aren’t wishing death on you (yet), but Bungie would be the first to admit that they are not the next candidate for the Papalship. They won’t wave if they see you in queue in The Tube, and they probably wouldn’t fellate you either.