Bloodrayne was Uwe Boll’s magnum opus. He had a phenomenal cast (including Sir Ben “Gandhi” Kingsley), a backstory ripped from a video game about time travelling, Nazi, lesbian vampires and a ton of (possibly laundered) investor cash and he still managed to screw it up. Due to Mr. Boll’s extraordinary incompetence in the field of filmmaking, Bloodrayne has been nominated for six Razzie awards. The Razzies, for those who don’t spend all their waking hours on Ain’t It Cool News, are the yearly awards that celebrate the worst of the worst of the excrement that Hollywood pushes on an unsuspecting public.
In a bizarre instance of kismet, Bloodrayne also happened to be playing on the SciFi Channel last night and lacking anything productive to do with my life, I managed to sit down and watch the whole thing. Admittedly, I started shooting heroin into my eye halfway through, but that had less to do with the movie and more to do with my undying love for sweet, sweet smack.
How was it? It was exactly as bad as you’ve heard. Kristanna Loken, while a beautiful woman, and an excellent Terminatrix, can only support so much utter cinematographic crap on her ample bosom before the tide of human suffering that is this movie enveloped her, Mr. Kingsley and most of East Germany. How one can take a movie about a sexy vampire lady making sapphic advances towards other sexy vampire ladies before decapitating them boring is completely beyond me.
Mr. Boll, I’m hoping your career will be revealed as a cleverly ironic joke twenty years from now, but like everything Sammy Hagar has ever done, I have the terrifying suspicion that you might actually be serious about this.