Loyal readers, I come to you with a grim and shocking truth – videogames are truly sick, demented and evil products of cruel and twisted perverts who wish to destroy the very basis of humanity as we know it. I originally wrote today’s article on my personal site last year, but nobody listened. Nobody listened to the shocking and horrendous facts I’d laid out before them. Finally though, the banning of Manhunt 2 around the world has shown that common sense is returning to the masses. Yes, I may have helped Gamers for Gaming take form, but that was before I remembered how depraved the gaming world truly was. For my completely serious and not in any way sarcastic article, hit the jump.
Say Videogames to almost anyone and you’re guaranteed a thigh-slapping guffaw as the recipient of your word recalls the beloved Dizzy series of cassette-based games for the Spectrum and Commodore 64. However, say it to the right people and you’re guaranteed an altogether frostier reception as Mrs. Higgins remembers the time her son went apesh*t with a claw hammer or Professor Science recounts the harrowing tale of the time his students tried to rape him after seeing a dog trying to have sex with a Sega Genesis System. What do these hundreds of examples have in common? Videogames! Indeed, it seems that the world of interactive entertainment is the new Nazi Party for nazis, warping impressionable and innocent minds. But why? How? Who? Where? And the other question? All this and more will be explained!
SEX & VIOLENCE!
Videogames are portals to a dimension of corruption and sin that twist young minds into thinking that it is perfectly acceptable behaviour to rape and kill everything they see. Without overexaggerating, everybody who plays games will succumb to this damning influence. But how does this happen?
It’s quite simple. Videogames, every single one ever made, place you into environments where you can stab people, shoot people with guns and arrows and clubs, have icky sex with women and swear all the time without any consequences. Being able to commit every crime under the sun with no fear of reprisal has a damaging effect on the minds of otherwise rational people, turning them into highly trained killers within hours. If you could kill your loved ones and rape children and get away with it, you would, wouldn’t you? We all would. Videogames take away the boundaries that keep us from doing these things, because we are all so very easily influenced without any self taught moral standards.
Videogames on the market today are produced purely to encourage violent behaviour. Titles such as Bioshock, Metal Gear Solid 4 and Dewy’s Adventure all contain disturbingly graphic images of sex and violence… probably. This sick filth should be banned for all the violence that it is scientifically proven to have caused. We proved it. With science.
INCIDENT!
For proof that games are evil, look no further than actual incidents that actually happened actually. On the morning of July 8th, 1999, two small boys played GRAND THEFT AUTO OMG for a period of no less than thirty minutes. Two years later, one of the boys got knocked down in a hit and run incident! Was this a coincidence? Sure, okay, yeah, coincidence. The boy died in hospital, for reference. And his dad used to abuse him. No doubt because he played evil videogames. The patterns are there if you look for them.
It’s widely believed that Harold Shipman was inspired by the twisted moral virtues of Bullfrog’s Theme Hospital to become one of England’s most prolific serial killers. And is it not true that the ammoral and enabling monster in the notorious Splatter House videogames bears more than a passing resemblance to infamous murderer Jason Vorhees who terrorised Camp Crystal Lake and Outer Space for over ten years?
Of course, one of the most famous recent cases was that of Stefan Pakeerah who was slaughtered by his friend Warren Leblanc in a park aged only 14. Now of course Warren, who was completely innocent of all crimes except the stabbing, just happened to have played another of Rockstar’s depraved games, MANHUNT. In this game, you are encouraged to kill and possibly molest animals all the time, being pressured into ever more perverse deeds. Is it any wonder that Warren felt he had no choice but to kill a human being in real life? No, it isn’t. Because even rational human beings are incapable of telling the difference between animation and real life.
Now, if you ignore that the motive for the murder was discovered to be robbery and focus only on the minute coincidence that Leblanc played Manhunt, a very interesting statement can be made: WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY! The evidence is incontrovertable, there’s no need for the jury to retire. Manhunt was clearly some form of instruction manual for the murderer, because it told you exactly how to kill somebody in real life because tapping the X Button always works in real life so it’s an instruction manual. Despite all the evidence that pointed to a bungled robbery, the true motive for the murder was that Leblanc was brainwashed by Rockstar for some reason.
We must also ignore the fact that the boys were both aged 14 and thus shouldn’t have legally been playing the game and that the parents perhaps should’ve kept an eye on that and that also maybe the parents of Stefan Pakeerah shouldn’t have bought their own murdered son a copy of the very same game knowing what the age rating was on it unless they didn’t know in which case it was just pure irresponsibility on their part if, and only if, they believed their teenage child was too stupid to handle an 18 videogame … and focus on the pure FACTS.
WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!
WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!
WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!
WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!
WARREN LEBLANC PLAYED MANHUNT AND KILLED SOMEBODY!
Those are the straight edge facts. Accept them. Can we in good faith allow children access to the 18-rated games that we buy for them? Of course not. But we are not to blame by the way, somehow it’s the videogame company’s fault.
BLOOD ON THE HORIZON!
If you are still unconvinced that videogames are manuals of death, then maybe taking a look at some of the sordid dirt coming out to stores near you very soon will change your mind. Just check out this purest sin
ROD STEWART’S RAPES – A – POPPIN’
In this disgusting title, you take on the eponymous antagonist Rod Stewart who rapes his way through twenty levels of utter degradation. The aim is simple – rape as many women as you can before the legendary rock star has a hernia, all the while battling the foes of age and radio obscurity. You earn points for each woman raped and if you can meet a set rape quota, the cops will let you off the hook so long as you give them a performance of Maggie May. You are then invited to sit back and watch a thrilling Rod Stewart pop performance as a rape reward for all your hard raping work. Rod Stewart himself has been very vocally supportive of this awful game.
“Well, y’know, it’s just a bit of rape,” claimed the elfin musical idol in a recent IGN interview. “I defy you to find one man who hasn’t done at least half a rape or so in his time. I don’t think there’d be quite this much fuss if I were portrayed raping, say, loamy soil … or something. People are too sensitive. The handbags and the gladrags, etcetera.”
Says it all.
LEBANON HA HA
Sometimes they just do it on purpose and this is indeed the case here. There is no plot, no rhyme nor reason. Your single goal is to walk around the war torn streets of Lebanon and laugh at the charred, mutilated remains of civilians that litter the street. One button ‘locks on’ to specific targets and you can cycle through a selection of possible subjects. You then press the button to make your character point at said target, then another to laugh. The ‘skill’ involved in this atrocious game is timing your laughter, choosing how long to stay pointing and laughing before ducking clear of Israeli airstrikes.
Turning the Israel-Lebanon conflict into some sort of joke is nothing to joke about and is some sort of sick joke. If children cannot be encouraged to take such things seriously, then what hope do they have? The children. Children.
HITLER’S HEROES
In this grotesque game, you take on the role of ‘Uncle’ Adolf Hitler, a supposedly fictional character not based on real life. In fact, everything in this game – Hitler, The Holocaust, are supposed to not be based on real persons, events or places. But it’s set in Germany, which I’m sure exists, as questionable as the other stuff is. Dubbed ‘Ratchet & Clank with Nazis,’ the summary on the back of the case tells you all you need to know about this putrid thing:
Guten Tag, freuds! War Crime your way through eighteen levels of unbridled genocidal fun as Uncle Addy, based on the popular fictional role of the lovable Adolf Hitler, as portrayed by Charlie Chaplin. Those nefarious Hebrews are up to yet another global conspiracy, so it’s up to YOU to Holocaust their asses before it’s Jew late. Let’s not forget those subhuman slavs and gypsies, either … and who could forget the queers? Yes, I think it’s time we showed those scumbags who’s boss in the only way we know how – a grade-A dose of Zyklon B! With cutting edge graphics and a full vocal cast including the voice of Megatron, Frank Welker, this Heilarious adventure will leave you feeling swastastic!
Warning – contains mild nazism.
I need say no more.
THE GOOD GUYS!
John Bruce is a lawyer from The United World Of America in America. This American is at the vanguard in the war on filth. Bruce, a former crab fisherman, has taken the producers of videogames to court for their crimes against humanity (all unsuccessfully). Destructoid was very lucky to catch an interview with the man himself and discuss his views on violent videogames, where he shared some interesting views.
“You know Sony, right? Well, they’re Japanese. That means that I can say their selling videogames to America is exactly the same as when the sumbitches bombed Pearl Harbour,” Bruce said, before we’d even asked a question. “A videogame is about ten times more dangerous than any kind of explosive device, because it trains people how to make explosive devices, which are dangerous. Everybody knows that nearly all videogame developers make bombs as well, especially those slant-eyed devils!”
Bruce went on to tell us more fascinating truths. “Everybody knows that 17 year olds can buy 18-rated games. Somehow this is the fault of the people who made the games because they have control over the independant retailers who sell their material. Somehow.” Bruce’s words are damning and also correct. He has fought many lawsuits on behalf of the families of murder victims in his bid to prove that every single crime committed by a teenager is the result of videogames and has nothing to do with the fact that they might just be, y’know, dicks.
John Bruce has uncovered a shocking fact – many 14 year olds actually play videogames! Because of this, and because a tiny percentage of 14 year olds have been involved in violent crime, the link between the two is undeniable. “It’s true. 14 year old Michael Carneal who is not made up murdered three children in Paducah, Kentucky, and was well known for playing several videogames such as Doom, in which you shoot giant slavering demons with a chaingun – clearly something Carneal mimicked when he attacked three small children, because who could tell the difference? He also accessed pornographic websites and really, the idea of a teenage boy wanting to look at porn is just unbelievable. Games are to blame once more!”
“Videogame makers are unreasonable and irrational. That’s why I want them dead and won’t reason with any of them,” Bruce said when asked if he’d ever tried speaking directly with games developers. We agree with him. Bruce has been criticized in the past by people claiming that he wants to halt free speech by seeing videogames taken to task. “Videogame discs can’t speak, so it’s not speech. That’s why I can get them banned,” was Bruce’s blunt answer.
“We’ve done tests. Tests showing that videogames condition a teenager’s mind to go out and kill. I will give you the results if you ask for them. It might take a while because we lost them.”
THE FINAL LEVEL!
So, hopefully we’ve raised awareness in this article and proved conclusively that videogames are evil. Remember, criminals are rarely responsible for their actions just like parents aren’t responsible for their children. No, it is the fault of many other things that people turn out the way they do and that we are never to blame. If your child has been the victim of violence, make sure that you blame whatever the perpetrator was playing/watching/listening to because it really isn’t the fault of murderers that they murder. Remember, for every Manson there’s a Manhunt, for every Gacy there’s a GTA and for every Shipman there’s a Sonic The Hedgehog 2.
Right, did that sound dumb and sensationalist enough to be accepted by the mainstream press?
Yeah?
Terrific!
