If you don’t, I’LL PULL OUT MY BERETTA
Let me take off my game-writing hat and put on my consultant hat for a minute. We’re not in the business of giving out advice to video game companies, but I’m going to do it once out of self-interest. This one’s free. Telltale: Make a game out of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet.”
You make what people consider to be the best narrative-driven games of the generation. R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet” is what I consider to be the greatest narrative ever told. This is a match made in heaven. This could be the 1992 Olympic Dream Team of video games, and all those other games would just be countries that are comparatively bad at basketball. Like…I don’t know. Serbia? Call of Duty would be Serbia.
And all that pedigree smashed together means that you will make a lot of money if you do this. I can personally guarantee it. Did The Wolf Among Us sell well? How many people know what Fables is? Yet you probably made money on it. Each of these videos that I’m embedding has like 10 million views. You’ll get the Telltale audience, the R. Kelly audience, and the audience who just appreciates damn fine art.
Because — make no mistake about it — “Trapped in the Closet” is fine art. It’s a goddamn masterpiece, actually. That might be the sweetest detail for you. It’s already perfect so you don’t need to change it. You don’t have to do any writing. You just set it to the music, animate some people who are mad that their significant other committed adultery, and code four button prompts that all say “Pull out your Beretta.” This is too easy.
Why are you still reading? Why are you not on the horn with Mr. Kelly’s people right now? It’s the freakin’ weekend so R’s definitely out having himself some fun. That doesn’t mean his advisors aren’t ready to talk shop. A quick Google search says that his net worth is somewhere around $150 million, but that doesn’t mean he’s content. You know what they say about money: You can’t have too much of it.
Actually, wait. That might be a very real problem of yours if you make a video game based on “Trapped in the Closet.” You might end up with too much money. Wouldn’t that suck? You and R. Kelly hanging out on a yacht (he’s gonna want to hang out with you) all day wondering what to do with all this money. You bought a yacht that’d make Jay-Z envious — and named it the S. S. Clementine — but it hardly made a dent in your funds. Dammit, life is so hard now! Puff Daddy was right.
No. That’s not a real problem. More money is always good. This could fund The Walking Dead seasons 3 through 33. Oh, now I have your attention, Telltale? Good. Re-read the whole thing and click play on every single video.
You’re welcome, Telltale. You’re so fucking welcome.