8-bit hotties poked, prodded, categorized

SydLexia thinks you’re a total perv.

Of course, he’s right. I mean, I can’t count how often one of my readers e-mails me asking for Lara Croft’s phone number even though I’ve repeatedly explained that she’s both fictional and has the clap.

Thankfully, Syd, being the kind fellow he is, has compiled a much more wholesome list of women you would be proud to take home to your mother; a list of hotties from the old 8-bit era! From Birdo to Irene Lew to Samus Aran, these are women who didn’t need realistic breast physics to succeed in the male dominated world of gaming, instead they used the 15 or so pixels that made up their bodies to introduce male gamers to a world of lust and intrigue that would last until your mother got home and saw you playing The Little Mermaid with your pants around your ankles. 

He rates each of the ladies by their hotness, inner beauty and a third, totally random variable and somehow manages to make Maxim look like a bunch of community college drop outs. Like, even more so.

Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.