USA! USA! USA!
I don’t like to say this in public or on the internet or in the privacy of my own home because it’s not cool to be patriotic these days, but I fucking love this country. There, I said it. Don’t @ me. I love everything about it. I love the freedom. I love fireworks. I love barbecuing. I love the flag. I love John Phillip Souza. I love basebaZZZzzzzzz…. Oh God, sorry I fell asleep writing the word “baseball” because it’s such a fucking boring sport.
I also love Star Wars. Fuck yeah, Star Wars. I’ve always said if you’re going to live in this universe you better speak Galactic Basic Standard or get the fuck out. I love Luke. I love Han. I especially love Leia. It’s such a fucking awesome series and the games it spawned have been epic. They’re all good, yessiree not a bad one in the bunch.
Unfortunately, my love of this great country of ours and my love of Star Wars has never really mixed because Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far, far away. Like, further than Cleveland is from my house I bet. And that sucks for Obi-Wan and Vader and Darth Maul and, my favorite, Jar-Jar Binks because they’ve never experienced the greatness of America. Star Wars is practically perfect as it is, but you know what would make it even better: the American Bald Eagle.
So, on this holiest of days, May the 4th of July Be With You, I want to tell you what five Star Wars video games would be as awesome as truck nutz if they just added a frickin bald eagle. Woooo!
5. Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II
Released for the LameCube back in 2001, Rogue Squadron II put you in the seat of an X-Wing as you did what Americans love doing best: blowing shit up. In the first level, something never before seen in a video game, you actually got to blow up the Death Star. Why don’t all Star Wars games start like this? I mean look:
That’s totally badass and junk, but it’s epic as hell when you add an American Bald Eagle.
America WOO!
4. Lego Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Star Wars: The Force Awakens was such a great flick because I love paying $15 to see a poorer version of a movie I watched 20 years ago. The Lego Star Wars game based on the movie is just as awesome:
Awe yeah, the Millennium Falcon bitches. Awesome level, made even more so with a goddamn bald eagle.
AMERICA WOOOOOO!
3. Star Wars Galaxies
I’ll admit, I never played Star Wars Galaxies because I did not own a computer until 2015. I heard it was so awesome they had to shut it down because too many people wouldn’t stop playing it. I mean just look at this action:
That right there looks more fun than muddin’. But you know what would make it better?
AMERICA WOOOOOOOOO!
2. Kinect Star Wars
Awe yeah, there ain’t nothing more wholesome than turning on my Xbox 360 – the AMERICAN console – and totally ripping through some Stormtroopers using my Kinect while trippin’ balls on paint thinner. The only game in Kinect Star Wars I didn’t like was the dancing one because dancing is gay.
That’s some Neil Patrick Harris shit right there. But guess what?
AMERICA WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
1. Star Wars Super Bombad Racing
That’s right ya’ll, this one’s a deep cut. Star Wars Super Bombad Racing, which is way better than that Mario shit, was the greatest game ever made for the PlayStation 2. Ain’t nobody tell me a game better. I mean, just look at the graphics and the racing and the awesome:
Cash me outside, how ba da, no I sayin’? Just the greatest fucking thing ever made, and it’s even better with an American Bald Eagle.
AMERICA W – Hmm. Sorry folks, this one just ain’t doin it for me. I mean it’s awesome, but it could probably be made even better.
There we go. AMERICA WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
