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A Guide To Recognizing Your Gamers

Apr 20 // David Houghton
#1 – The Back-Seat Gamer  Behavior “No! Leave that! Go that way! Kill that guy! Circle strafe, circle strafe! Jumpjumpjumpjumpjump! Chainsaw, chainsaw! Rocket launcher on the guy at the back! NOOOOOOOO! Told you you shouldn’t have done that. My go.” Think you’re a good gamer? Forget those aspirations my friend. You are not as good as this guy. He is at one with the games, symbiotically tuned with them in body and mind. He sees all, he knows all, and he will pre-empt any AI script created. Every map of every level of every game is seared into the very matter of his brain, and he can walk any section by simply closing his eyes and recalling his surroundings down to the pixel. There are no surprises. There are no challenges. He laughs at player’s guides and devours opponents by the crunching meaty handful. He is, quite simply, unstoppable. In his mind that is … You see unless he’s actually playing, this guy knows everything. In theory he can destroy any game, rendering it to a small quivering puddle of blackening disc plastic by his sheer presence. In theory he’s the guy you want, no, need on your side. In theory, he skips straight to the most punishing difficulty level on a new game and burns through it in no time with his legendary gaming insight and lightning-fast precision skills. In theory … In practice however, the only recorded noise in human history louder than his militant bestowing of “advice” and proclamations of his gaming qualifications is the sound of the servers emptying whenever he enters a lobby. You see, the simple fact is, he’s not actually that good … Oh of course, he can talk a good game. Some of his aspirations of game knowledge are probably even plausible. He’ll have played enough to learn level layouts, know where the power ups and weapons are hidden, and understand exactly where you’re supposed to hit the boss. That doesn’t however, mean that he can actually do it. Thus, he will make up for his shortcomings (again, in his mind) by making sure that you know he could do it. Oh sweet Ghandi on a hover-board, he’ll make sure you know. Every move you make, you can bet he’ll be watching you like a video gaming overlord Sting, correcting you every time you move a pixel off the exact course he would have used. Change weapons or power up a second after he recommends it and you’re playing the game wrong and will fail. Achieve the miracle of success without following his instructions however, and well, you can do it that way, but you’re supposed to. This is the reason people online know him and fear him. There’s no avoiding it if you have the miserable, Dickensian street-orphan’s luck to end up in a game with him. Whether co-op or versus, he’ll be the same. Whether commanding the team or merely controlling an underling, it doesn’t matter. He’ll let you know where you’re going wrong (and you will be going wrong, don’t doubt that for a second) for every step of the miserable, grinding, teeth-gritting, face-bursting, hernia-inducing, mind-raping, sanity-haemorrhaging way. And that’s nothing compared to the supernova of aural abuse you’ll suffer if his team loses. Which it probably will, as by that point his comrades will have thrown the match just for the spectacularly horrific comedy of seeing him go into meltdown. Games PlayedAnything. It doesn’t matter. He’s better than you at all of them. How To Deal With Them If you’re playing anything, from Solitaire to Gears Of War, it’s best to be out of visual and sonic range of a back-seat gamer. Preferably in another room. Or another house. Country even. Actually screw it, if at all possible, you should endeavour to be in a totally different area of the space-time continuum to any back-seat gamer. It seriously is worth travelling in time to avoid these people. And never play them at co-op anything, least of all FPS, as that way lies only Lovecraftian madness and despair. You’ll make it through three minutes of play at most before you end up shooting them. With an actual gun. You’ll go and buy a really big one specially, trust me. #2 - The Closet Gamer  BehaviorA tragically repressed game lover, the closet gamer has not come to terms with the modern, accepting gaming climate. It’s probably not their fault. Maybe they weren’t lucky enough to grow up with a supportive gaming crew around them. Maybe they were forced to spend their younger developmental years trying to fit in with an unsympathetic crowd, and had to hide their true urges by mocking the school geeks at lunch time. Or perhaps they had over-protective parents who fell victim to the tabloid hysteria of the early ‘90’s, and were beaten senseless with warnings of social ostracising and the deadly gaming-transmitted diseases of psychosis and epilepsy. Whatever the reason, the closet gamer is a troubled self-hater, constantly struggling with his or her inner desires to break out into open gaming, for fear of the recrimination of a cold, cold society that just doesn’t understand. I have a friend like this. His is a sad story, but it needs to be told, if only for the hope that it will help others in his situation. He’s been game-curious for years, having the occasional quiet dabble in casual games when they were presented to him, but never allowing himself to be seen actively seeking them out. He’s always loved a bit of Tetris or a quick blast of Street Fighter II, but he’s never owned a console. However a couple of years ago while he was at university, his guard slipped and his true nature started to show itself for the first time. Living in a house with an N64-owning friend, Mario Kart 64 became his gateway game and things began to change for him. Of course at the time, he passed it off as a mere temporary phase, a bit of harmless experimentation with an accessible party game. He was just trying it out to see what it was like, and of course, it didn’t mean he was a gamer. Over the course of the year however, the inner depths of the game began to take hold, and something inside him began to stir. His hardcore side slowly but steadily awakened, and after a prolonged diet of daily binges he was talking about power slide physics and correct item usage like a pro. Though he still wouldn’t admit to anything.It all came to a head last Summer. His parents were away and he had the familial home to himself, so he invited me round for the evening. However what he proposed shocked me. “Come around, bring the SNES, and we’ll get drunk and stay up all night completing Mario World”This was unprecedented behaviour for him. Maybe it was the opportunity of being safely alone in his own house, away from the prying judgemental eyes of his university friends, and maybe the planned heavy drinking was his way of building up the courage to go through with it. Whatever the reason, it was clear that this could well be the night of his outing, and if it was going to happen, he’d need a sympathetic guide to help him through the process. Obviously, I deigned to be the friend he needed. Everything went brilliantly. After a couple of beers, his inhibitions dropped quickly, and in no time at all we were ploughing through the first island. By 3AM we were well into the Vanilla Dome with all secrets unlocked, and a whole new world was opening up for him. His future life looked to be one of well-adjusted self-acceptance and healthy, peaceful happiness. The next morning however, it was a different story. With sobriety and the cold light of day came his previous guilt and repression, worse tenfold now following our nocturnal activities. I don’t mind telling you it was an awkward morning. He couldn’t even look me in the eye for the first few hours, and even later in the day conversation was stilted at best. Still clearly trying to come to terms with the events of the previous night, he’d fallen back on his safe-zone of denial rather than embracing who he is, and my disappointment for him was crushing. Things are getting better now, and we are talking again, but it just isn’t the same. I still have hope for his future happiness though. I’m currently using the casual fun of the Wii and DS to get him back on the horse, and the news that his new housemate is buying a 360 has warmed my heart. A bit of experimental co-op over Live, taken at whatever pace he’s comfortable with, and hopefully we’ll start seeing some progress. Games PlayedAnything casual and quick, and easy to hide if interrupted. The odd bit of Tetris or Minesweeper at work is okay “just to unwind”, and retro games give them the excuse that they’re “just laughing at the graphics”. The advent of the DS is a major help for these people, given how quickly it can be closed and pocketed in standby mode should prying eyes arrive. How To Deal With ThemDon’t push them. Try to subtly bring them into more overt gaming over time, but do it with games and a pace that they feel okay with. Too much too fast and they’ll retreat into their shell faster than an agoraphobic snail at a rave. And never use leet-speak around them. Simply being in the presence of someone who uses the word “owned” will sent them spiralling down into more counselling sessions than anyone can afford. They’re not going to be ready for that kind of heavy exposure to the hidden world they crave for a good long time, so don’t rush them. -- Next week: Chavs!  (view all chapters)
Recognizing Gamers photo
Told you you shouldn't have done that. My go
[Originally published in 2007, one of my favorites from Destructoid's Golden Archives! -Niero] It used to be a lot easier to stereotype a gamer. It used to be that all that was needed was some greasy hair, thick glasses, and ...

Dtoid Store photo
Dtoid Store

All Dtoid shirts are now $9.95 or less!


CLEARANCE SALE!
Jan 24
// mrandydixon
Literally every single t-shirt in the Destructoid store is now $9.95 or less! WOW! Some are as low as $4.95! HOT DAMN! Everything you see is on clearance, meaning once they're out of print you won't be able to get these shirt...
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Holiday clearance! All Dtoid shirts now $12.95!


Get them before they're GONE FOR GOOD!
Dec 29
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
All t-shirts on the Destructoid store have been dropped down to $12.95! All the shirts are on clearance, meaning once they're out of print you won't be able to get these shirts again! We're making way for something new, ...
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Destructoid shirts now going for $14.95


Get them before they go out of print!
Oct 24
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
All t-shirts on the Destructoid store have been dropped down to $14.95! We've lowered the price, saving you a few bucks. Hoodies are still between $24.95 to $34.95, and as always you'll get free shipping worldwide on orders over $60. These are also going to be the last run prints on all the designs we have in the store currently. So once they're gone they'll be gone for good!
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Last chance to get your limited edition Destructoid shirt!


Hours remain!
Jul 01
// GRIMECRAFT
Last month's DTOID FASHION Vol. 1 was a hit thanks to the awesome design by Meanderbot. This month, community member Kannaya brings us a design that would have been awesome for Cinco de Mayo. Luckily, it's never too late for a celebratory fiesta.  This month's shirt is available in seven colors. You have until July 1 to get one, so order now HERE!  
8-bit Destructoid photo
8-bit Destructoid

Get retro with the Destructoid shirt and hoodie!


Just like a NES box cover!
Jun 20
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
It's about time we did something like this! The Destructoid Videogame News System captures the retro Nintendo Entertainment System box covers with an 8-bit Destructoid. The new design was created by the talented Drew Wise, an...
DTOID Fashion photo
DTOID Fashion

Last chance to get your limited edition Destructoid shirt!


24 hours remain!
May 21
// GRIMECRAFT
Originally revealed in an episode of Farts 'N' Crafts last week by Max Scoville, Chad Valente's amazing linocut print will be the first design to be made into a limited edition Destructoid shirt for DTOID Fashion. The limited edition tee will be available for pre-order for the next 24 hours. Secure your pre-order HERE!
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Who's that new Destructoid editor?


It's Grimecraft!
May 08
// GRIMECRAFT
Greetings humans My name is Grimecraft (aka Clarke) and I am the new music editor here at Destructoid. I am a DJ/Producer on Dj CUTMAN's record label GameChops and formerly a super cool artist at Harmonix, Crystal Dynamics, a...
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Corgis cosplaying as your favorite videogame heroes


Get the shirt for $17.95 in black or purple!
May 06
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
Corgis are one of the cutest animals in the world. Fact. So what's cuter than a corgi? Corgis dressed up in outfits! More specifically, corgis dressed up as your favorite videogame hero. And that's just what we've made happen...
Smash Bros. photo
Smash Bros.

Natasha Allegri pays tribute to Smash Bros.' new high heels


This should be a real mode
Apr 09
// Jonathan Holmes
When Nintendo unveiled Samus' new footwear in yesterday's Smash Bros. presentation, the internet went wild. "How dare they!?!" they cried, tears of shoe-serious stress and tension streaming down their faces. "Just because she...
Sega 3D Classics photo
Sega 3D Classics

Sashay, Shantay in these Sega 3D Classics T-shirts


You betta werk!
Apr 01
// Brittany Vincent
When it comes to quirky fashion and accessories, I strut down the runway of life. Coincidentally, most of my horrific items are Sega-related products, like my Mega Drive bag (similar to this one) or the Dreamcast controller b...
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Get a Destructoid shirt for $17.95!


Stop being naked, please
Mar 03
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
All t-shirts on the Destructoid store have been dropped down to $17.95! We've lowered the price down, saving you a couple of bucks. Sure, $2 isn't much, but those $2 can now be spent on a whole bunch of other things. Like che...
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Do you think fashion can bloom on the battlefield?
Hey, did you see those Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes track jackets and sneakers that Puma's making? They're pretty cool, but a franchise with such awesome character and mechanical designs really deserves more creative merchandising. Here are a few ideas.

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Fashion Alert: Who Wore It Better?


Funky Fresh or Pretty Poison?
Dec 20
// Max Scoville
The Daisy-Dukes-and-a-'Beater look is back in a big way this season! Who's rocking the outfit better, Funky Kong or Poison?
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KIRBEE KIRBEE KIRBEE KIRBEE KIRBEE KIRBEE!


Get it?
Oct 08
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
What happens when Kirby sucks in a bee? He becomes Kirbee! Yes, a cute little twist on the always hungry hero of Dreamland, and it can be yours for $19.95 $17.95. This t-shirt was designed by artist Drew Wise, and you ca...
Destructoid store photo
Destructoid store

Star Fox + Fox Hound = Star Hound!


The most badass canine in the whole damn universe
Aug 27
// mrandydixon
What do you get when you cross Nintendo's Star Fox franchise with Metal Gear Solid's FOXHOUND unit? Why, Star Hound, of course! Designed by the ever-talented Drew Wise, this awesome shirt is available in men's and women's siz...
Dtoid store photo
Dtoid store

Mario what are you doing? Get out of that trash can!


Brand new t-shirt in the Destructoid store!
Jul 12
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
Mario likes to dress up as a bunch of different things in his various adventures, with the raccoon suit seemingly getting the most love. And now we know why, as he likes to go digging in trash cans with his raccoon buddies in...
Destructoid store photo
Destructoid store

It's-a Mario within a Mario within a Mario!


Check out the latest designs from the Destructoid store
Jun 09
// mrandydixon
It's-a me, Marioska! Everybody's favorite Mushroom Kingdom plumber enters the world of Russian Matryoshka dolls in this adorable design by artist Mat Hudson. And it can be yours right now in shirt form for only $19.95! T...

Review: Sumo Emperor

May 08 // Chris Carter
Sumo Emperor Bean Bag Manufacturer: SumoReleased: May 1, 2013MSRP: $399.00 Upon shipment, the Emperor was stuffed into a giant cardboard box -- and when you open it, it explodes into a giant fluffy cloud of comfort. You'll definitely want to move the box to your desired room before you unpack it, but it's not so large that you won't be able to transport it To be clear, this is less of a bean bag and more of a small couch. At 55" x 25", it's not something that would suit most one-bedroom apartments, as it took up a great deal of my decently-sized basement. I tested moving it up and down stairs for people who live in taller houses, and it's easy to roll, even if there isn't a really solid area to grab. So while it does take up a lot of space, it's easy to transport. The "Fiery Red" color isn't too busy, and manages to stand out without looking too tacky. The cover also zips off easily for cleaning. So what's the first thing you do when you get a bean bag chair? Jump into it of course! I noticed immediately that it conformed to my body, but didn't get too low to the ground, which is great. I also liked the distinct lack of the annoying crunching sound, which normally gets on my nerves, and is the main reason why I hate most bean bag chairs. It doesn't really absorb moisture, which is fun for long play sessions, since it won't get sweaty. It should fit two smaller people pretty comfortably, but I'll say outright, it's not comfortable at all if any party is on the larger side. While the Emperor is great for general sitting, of course, gaming is the real test. For the purposes of this review, I tried using it with a laptop, portable systems, and general console gaming. My results ranged from "moderately comfortable" to "perfect." First things first, portables are the best use of the Emperor, as it has lots of arm and head support. I tried laying on it with my 3DS, Vita, and iPhone, and found the comfort level to be near perfect. There was plenty of real estate to rest my head and arms, which makes for some great long Vita sessions. Just to be sure, I tried out a three-hour long Persona 4 Golden session on my Vita in it, and didn't have any issues at all. Tablet use is also extremely comfortable in the Emperor, as is general book reading. Sitting up with a laptop is a different story. Although it's comfortable for the most part, you don't really have a place to rest your head, since the Emperor doesn't get low enough to the ground. Instead, you're left laying back into the bag a bit more than usual, which doesn't make for a great time when you have something in your lap. My time with console testing was basically somewhere in the middle of my experience with portables and the laptop. You can rest your head and have your legs roll off the bean bag a little bit, but as a general rule it's not large enough to fully support your neck unless you lay a bit sideways. For more casual console games this isn't really an issue, but if you're playing something twitch-based or something that requires more precision, it'll be an issue. You can move more towards the front of the Emperor to rest your head, but your legs are basically falling off the bean bag. As a general rule I didn't have many issues with it, and still use it as an option when playing games of all types. The Sumo Emperor is definitely a luxury item. But if you look at the market for larger bean bags, it falls somewhere comfortably in the middle in terms of price ranges -- and really, that's about where it sits.
Sumo Emperor photo
It's a royal price point, that's for sure
Furniture can get pretty expensive. Sometimes, you'll go into a store ready to buy a replacement chair, and before you know it, you and your wife are picking out a five-piece sofa set. Comfort, price, and aesthetics all come ...

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Destructoid is more than meets the eye in this crossover


Destructobots, transform and blog about games!
May 05
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
You know what's cool? Transformers. You know what's not cool? That the Autobot symbol looks a little, well, emo. Have you really looked at it before? The robot mascot is sporting a frown face and looks like it's on the verge ...
Dtoid store photo
Dtoid store

Look classy with the new Donkey Kong tie shirt


Get the shirt for $19.95
Apr 23
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
Donkey Kong is almost as old as the vidoegame industry itself and the big great gorilla has been in all sorts of different genres. Whether he was a bad guy or good guy, he always rocked a tie even in his first game as he scal...
HAWP photo
HAWP

HAWP: Papa Burch is the prettiest girl at prom


"Girl games" are hardcore
Mar 31
// Tony Ponce
The stereotypical "girl games" are not necessarily as bad as people make 'em out to be. Okay, a lot of them are as bad as people make 'em out to be, but that's not the point. The point is that there are gems even amongst the...
Dtoid store photo
Dtoid store

If you found pizza on the ground, would you eat it?


The most important question you will ever be asked
Mar 09
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
Well, would you? That's what our newest shirt in the Destructoid store is asking, and if you've ever played a beat'em up before then you know the answer is giant yes! The new design was created by Josh Grilli, and features a tasty 8-bit pizza. As always, each shirt goes for $19.95, and you'll receive free shipping worldwide when you spend over $60 on anything in our store!
Animal Crossing clothes photo
Animal Crossing clothes

OH BABY! Animal Crossing DLC coming to Style Savvy


SO FASHIONABLE
Feb 14
// Tony Ponce
Nobody cares about this but me. I am a pretty, pretty princess. But yes, Nintendo's highly fashionable Style Savvy: Trendsetters, the boutique management sim released last year, will be receiving Animal Crossing-themed DLC. The "Gracie Grace" brand will be coming in the near future. So yeah. I'm beautiful.
Super Mario kimono photo
Super Mario kimono

This Super Mario kimono is high-class fashion


Game clothing is hot stuff, baby
Feb 08
// Tony Ponce
In the fashion world, "retro" is in. I should know because I am a fashionista because I've been playing a lot of Style Savvy: Trendsetters on the 3DS, so I'm up on my sh*t. You couldn't be a more fashionable guy than me. So w...
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Celebrate Valentine's Day with the I <3 Controllers shirt


In pink, black, blue, green, and purple!
Feb 02
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
I <3 Controllers is a fusion of videogame controllers that have come together to form one big heart. The design was created by Drea "Pinksage" Avellán, and up till now we've offered the design in black, green, blue ...
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Debut trailer for Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII


I like her new outfit
Dec 19
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
[Update: Oh hey look it's the debut trailer for Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII, featuring gameplay, and Lightning's new outfit!] Full scans from the latest Famitsu have made their way to the Internet, giving us a much...
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Lightning, what the hell are you wearing?


Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Dec 18
// Dale North
Lightning, you look... weird! The black leather-ish armor and white cape aren't exactly JRPG fashion no-nos, but what's up with the sleeves and the shoulder horn? You weirdo! These Shonen Jump magazine scans we foun...
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Stay warm this season with Destructoid shirts & sweaters!


Free shipping with orders over $60 worldwide!
Dec 16
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
[Update: This is your last chance to order anything from the store if you want them to make it before Christmas. Do you want to ruin Christmas?! I DON'T THINK SO!] For a limited time the Destructoid merch store will be c...






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