Save your soul before it's too late
What is the status of your soul? It's time to start considering how you've lived. Look at your affairs today and get them in order. Make right with your family, friends, the world. Do what you've always wanted to do. Have sex if you haven't yet. End times are coming. Nintendo and The Pokémon Company are bringing the Pokédex to iOS.
As the Pokébible foretold, the end begins now, in this near end of the Mayan calendar year 2012. A dark power will emerge from the digital realms, slowly growing and mutating with each Pokédex download until one day it will arise from each and every online-connected screen and device to hover over the earth in the form of a massive, festering, sleep apnea-affected Snorlax. He slightly grins, yes, but blood pours from his slit-like eyes. As he grows, he threatens to fall asleep on top of the world and end us all.
The transition has begun already. First the omen, and now this, the doorway to Hell. iOS devices worldwide already shimmer and vibrate with the full, dark power. A mere 170 yen opens up a bit more of the portal for each of god's children, and 500 yen packs introduce even more of these "pocket monsters" to our digital world. Soon they overcome us. Soon we will be smothered.
Save yourself, friends. Save yourself.