dark        

Pokemon Go update to provide players with some goddamn common sense (Fauxclusive)

0

Clearly they need it

Following a seemingly endless supply of stories about Pokémon Go players hurting themselves, getting into accidents, and wandering into places they shouldn't be, developer Niantic announced today an update for the popular app that will give players some fucking common sense.

“When we developed Pokémon Go we figured people would be intelligent enough to play it smart and safe,” said company spokesman Brandon Bush. “Boy were we wrong. Clearly, we underestimated just how stupid mankind is. I mean, did you hear about the woman who got stuck in a tree playing this? How the fuck do you do that?”

Bush says the update will revolve around a series of warnings to keep people from doing what basic evolution and quality child-rearing should have kept them from doing in the first place.

“This new feature will remind players to look up from the screen after they’ve taken more than six steps, which is something we’re saddened we have to tell people to do,” Bush explained. “It will also warn you not to play while driving, not to wander into a stranger’s yard, and, if you live in the state of Florida, it will tell you to move out of the state. That’s just for your own safety in general."

The new, common sense feature will be added just as soon as Niantic finishes updating the map to remove Pokémon Gym and PokéStop locations from the Westboro Baptist Church, a home where sex offenders live, a Hells Angels headquarters, and other places that probably should have been vetted before sending children mindlessly wandering to them.

You are logged out. Login | Sign up

 
 
 

TwitterRedditEmailFacebook
 
CJ Andriessen
CJ AndriessenFeatures Editor   gamer profile

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games. more + disclosures


 


 


Also on Destructoid: Pokemon Go   (243)   From our database:

  • You can teach Jessie and James a lesson in Pokemon Go - Jordan Devore
  • Pokemon GO Fest trailer is directed by The Last Jedi's Rian Johnson - Chris Moyse
  • Pokemon Go is turning 1,000 small businesses into PokeStops and Gyms - Brett Makedonski
  • New Sword & Shield critters are live in Pokemon GO - Chris Moyse
  • Pokemon GO to donate $5 million from GO Fest 2020 to black gaming projects and charities - Chris Moyse
  • Pokemon GO adjusting its summer plans due to coronavirus lockdown - Chris Moyse
  • Pokemon Go update encourages players to stay home - Jordan Devore
  • Listen to the story of how Pokemon Go wrecked an art town's economy - Anthony Marzano
  • Pokemon Go is throwing a big event in Philadelphia later this year - Chris Carter
  • More related stories
    Filed under... #Destructoid Originals #Fake News #Pokemon Go #Satire

    READER COMMENTS LOADING BELOW...


    LET'S KEEP THE COMMUNITY GREAT


    You're not expected to always agree, but do please keep cool and never make it personal. Report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community team. Also, on the right side of a comment you can flag nasty comments anonymously (we ban users dishing bad karma). For everything else, contact us!



     
     
  •