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02-24-2017

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

We're a week out from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and most of what I've seen (and played) is somewhat context-free open-world gallivanting. For a series remembered fondly for its oddball characters and personality, gallivanting is only part of the equation. Enter all the folks currently playing Breath of the Wild and discovering a treasure trove of...horndoggery?

If that second dialogue choice adopted the modern parlance of "really tho?" it would be 100% the thirstiest line ever written in a video game. Link really needs to follow some sagely advice: "always horny, never thirsty."

Nock me up, daddy! Jesus. This is Fire Emblem-levels of lewd. I'm supposed to let my beautiful round son Tadley play this game?

So here's what I'm asking from you, dear reader. You have a week before Breath of the Wild comes out and presumably nothing to do in the interim. No children to pick up from school. No coursework to do. No owed wage-slavery to an exploitative system. Just thumb twiddling. So let's go back throughout the Zelda canon and find some examples in the series of horniness. Let's get prepared to definitively declare in one week's time whether Breath of the Wild is or isn't the horniest Zelda game in series history.

Thank you and God bless.

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