Perfect games for the one you stalk

Valentine’s day is this weekend and love is in the air. It’s the day that was simply made for passion and the coupling of lovers. People are exchanging all manner of longing gazes at one another.

But what if the person you love does not love you back? Fear not! You can make them love you. The two of you were obviously meant to be together and, if they’re too blind to see that, you’re simply going to have to work a little bit harder.

I’m here to help. Follow along after the jump for a list of games perfect for expressing the way you feel about the one you love so much that nothing can keep you apart. Not even that smartass judge’s restraining order.

The Tub Rabbits

The Rub Rabbits (Nintendo DS)

This DS title, done in pretty much the same style as your typical Hentai game coupled with mediocre minigames, is about two people falling in love with each other. It sends a clear message: “I want to be with you, even if you spray me with mace.”

Unfortunately, the game also kind of sucks. This may diminish the effectiveness of using it to express yourself, as your target will likely never put in the time to see how happy everyone winds up being at the end.

Ice Climber

Ice Climbers (NES, Virtual Console)

The classic, loveable adventure of two mountain climbers working together to reach the peak is an easy choice for conveying your emotions towards the object of your affections.  It says that you never want to be more than a few feet from them at any time. If that means having a rope which tethers the two of you together, it’s a small price to pay.

You might want to send along a coil of rope with the game so that the message is clear. A pickaxe would be another excellent addition for those wanting to really go the extra mile.

Mister Mosquito

Mister Mosquito (PS2)

Maybe they aren’t responding too well by this point. That’s okay. Your love cannot be denied and you’re willing to make some sacrifices if you need to. Why, that’s what relationships are all about: compromise and acceptance. Which is why you would be happy just being an insect living in their home, if it meant that you could always be in their presence.

And drink their blood for sustenance.

Eternal Darkness

Eternal Darkness (GameCube)

The distance between you and the one you desire can be maddening sometimes. Perhaps if they understood this, they wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss you. The sense of vertigo and blur between fantasy and reality are the perfect way to demonstrate how passion clouds reason in your mind.

It might be a little bit scary for a game intended to show how much you care, but don’t worry about that. They’ll understand completely. They have to. You were made for each other, after all.

Carmen Sandiego

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (PC)

You would be willing to go anywhere for this person. The entire world is just a playground when you have love, and there’s nowhere on this Earth that they could travel to where you wouldn’t be right behind them.

Like the henchmen of V.I.L.E., you could be walking down any street, standing outside any café or hiding in any trash can anywhere on the planet. And you will be. There can be no escape from the way you feel for either of you.

Silent Hill 2

Silent Hill 2 (PS2, Xbox)

Perhaps you’ve come on too strong in the past or done some things that you regret. We all make mistakes. This does not mean that you are any less valid as a partner. Besides, it was probably all their fault anyway. They never should have left their blinds open while changing if they didn’t want you to take pictures.

You should still extend an olive branch, though. This touching tale of redemption would be the right move. James Sunderland’s path through Silent Hill mirrors your personal journey when told things like, “Stop calling here,” and “If you don’t get off my property, I’m calling the police again.”



If, after all of this, your love has yet to accept you with open arms, it’s time to get serious. CSI isn’t a game for your target, it’s a warning. Either they need to get with the program or there are going to be some dire consequences.

Make sure that you’ve played the game a few times first. Make sure they know that. Be certain they are aware that if things should have to come to this, you’re going to get away with it and there’s nothing they can do to stop you.


Manhunt (PS2)

When all else fails, Manhunt is your last resort. It’s the final message that you’re coming to visit your love, that the constant spurning will no longer be tolerated. You have sacrificed everything for this person, but it was never good enough for them, was it? 

No. Now somebody is going to have to pay the price. You’ve been patient, thoughtful and generous up to this point. No longer. They are going to accept you for who you are or you’re going to suffocate them with a plastic grocery bag. 

Conrad Zimmerman