Only 22% of Donald Trump's heart surgeries have been succesful


Surgeon Simulator DLC

You know what's fucked up? We're about to have some old-ass, Crypt-Keeper-ass, shriveled-up-dick-or-pussy-having president. Donald Trump is 69 (nice) and Hilary Clinton is 68, almost 69 (almost nice).

Monstrous-ass Ronnie Reagan, who was long the butt of jokes about being one old-ass gipper who fell asleep during work more than your grandfather at a wedding, was 69 when he was inaugurated president (one month shy of 70). If elected, Clinton will be 69 years and 3 months when she's inaugurated. Trump would be 70 years and 6 months -- the oldest president ever. These are some frail, near-death corpses we're about to stick in the oval office, which is about the only solace we have left this election.

Of course, the about-Mass-Effect-tweeting Trump got a clearly-not-ghost-written doctor's note that says he, "will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." Well, not if y'all keep botching his heart surgery.

Inside Donald Trump is the latest DLC for ancient (three years ago) surprise hit Surgeon Simulator, a game as much about surgery as me pounding both cheeks on keys is about playing Mozart.

"In Inside Donald Trump, players must perform heart surgery on the most talked-about man on the planet and decide if he is a gold hearted hero or a stone hearted villain." This involves sticking one or the other in his chest hole, though early statistics have shown that only about 17,000 of 80,000 attempted surgeries have been successful (22%). You can decide if that's people failing at Surgeon Simulator flailing or people jumping at the chance to let the weave-wearing, "short-fingered vulgarian" flat line on the table. Of the successfully completed surgeries, 40% are gold hearts, 60% stone hearts. The DLC includes "new 'medical' items, such as Trump Vodka, Trump Steak and Trump Tower."

RIP Bossa Studios, you are going to be sued into the ground, unless you luck out and get a Mexican judge.

You are logged out. Login | Sign up


Steven Hansen
Steven HansenContributor   gamer profile

Steven watches anime & sports, buys meat out of trucks, dates a Muppet, and is only good at cooking. He stands before you bereft of solace and well on the road to perdition. ('^ω^) more + disclosures



Also on Destructoid: Surgeon Simulator 2013   (5)   From our database:

  • I used the Oculus Rift to high-five a dead alien in Surgeon Simulator - Zack Furniss
  • Become a dentist in Surgeon Simulator for iPad - Jordan Devore
  • Operate on aliens in new Surgeon Simulator procedures - Jordan Devore
  • Surgeon Simulator 2013 ARG isn't related to Half-Life 3 - Jordan Devore
  • Mutilate Team Fortress 2's Heavy in Surgeon Sim 2013 - Jordan Devore
  • This Surgeon Simulator cake is super gross - Hamza CTZ Aziz
  • Super Best Guide! Surgeon Simulator 2013 - Jim Sterling
  • My review of Surgeon Simulator 2013 - Jim Sterling
  • There will be blood: Surgeon Simulator 2013 up on Steam - Jordan Devore
  • More related stories
    Filed under... #DLC #indie #pc #video



    You're not expected to always agree, but do please keep cool and never make it personal. Report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community team. Also, on the right side of a comment you can flag nasty comments anonymously (we ban users dishing bad karma). For everything else, contact us!