Murray Cookie’s predictions for 2007

Alright, now that I’m done stealing DickMcVengeance’s posts, time to get my ORIGINAL CONTENT going. Recently, I’ve managed to get my hands on some new games that are coming out this year. Let me tell you, there are some great games coming out this year. Sadly, we can’t be blessed with all good games this year. There are some real cr*ptacular games that you’ll have to see line the shelves for years to come. So, let’s get to it!

The sweet stuff

Friday the 13th: One of the most graphically advanced games that I’ve played in years. After so many quality movies, the developers at Pack-In Video really had a lot of great material to draw from. The gameplay is really deep and it really captures the horror elements of gameplay — much better than those flunkers Resident Evil and Silent Hill. The combat system is fluid and allows for ultra-realistic gameplay, and the replay value will have you playing the game five or ten times over.

Urban Champion: God, what an amazing fighter. Guilty Gear and Soul Calibur have nothing on this. There’s such a wide array of moves that are available for the game, that even after two weeks, reading the instruction manual, and checking online, I’m still learning new moves. Maybe I should get around to learning how to read, first. That might help.

Superman 64: This game really has me at a loss for words — I expect this game to have people waiting overnight to buy it. One of DC’s greatest superheros, next to Aquaman, being featured in a great action game. The storyline is rich, drawing on many of Superman’s greatest challenges, like when he joined the circus and had to fly through series of rings. Man, I would stay up until all hours reading those comics…but then Uncle Chris would come into my room, smelling of alcohol, and climb into my bed, where he’d…no. The doctor told me not to talk about those things in public yet.

The other stuff

River City Ransom: God, what a disservice to gamers everywhere. I mean, the characters make such random ass noises as “Barf!” and “Ugh!” Also, the combat system couldn’t be more lame. What, you get to punch and kick? Woo! Also, you can pick up barrels and throw them at people. These people are nothing but horrible bullies. I hope they get punished by the end of the game, once I manage to figure out how to deal with all the buttons on the controller. Y’know, these two remind me of those bullies at school who would beat me up because my family was too poor to afford anything other than the clown shoes that we spent hours crafting.

Final Fantasy VI: Wasn’t this supposed to end 5 games ago? What the hell? Anyways, here’s another game where you’ve got to go through the “save the world” plot while listening to the painful sounds of Nobuo Uematsu’s music — if you can even call it that. Seriously, don’t waste your money on this series. If anything is going to happen to this game, it’s going to get buried in the Arizona desert, and be made fun of by gamers for the rest of time.

Tetris: I just don’t get this game. Graphically, the game is bland — the game only deals in shades of grey. Plus, there’s really no innovation here. In fact, this game steals from nature. Has anyone here heard of gravity? People, don’t support this sort of thieving crap. This is really just some communist propaganda that Gorbachev is using to try and shoot down Reagan. Let the good times keep rollin’ — buy all-American games!

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past: I liked this game better when it was called Twilight Princess…or Ocarina of Time. I was so happy when Twilight Princess let express my true anthropomorphic self (some of you detractors might call me a “furry”), and Ocarina of Time allowed me to view Link’s stunning body as that of a young child…especially in those short shorts. Anyways, A Link to the Past doesn’t bring anything new to the table and is basically the people at Nintendo trying to whore out yet some more money on the already dead Zelda series.