Ms. Pac-Man is a naughty, naughty girl

So you’ve successfully seduced Mr. Bill Gates, and today, you’re finally headed to Xbox Live Arcade. But let’s not beat around the bush here, Ms. Pac-Man. That little pink bow isn’t fooling anyone into thinking you’re innocent. I know better — you’re a naughty little girl and you know it.

It’s obvious, so don’t play coy with me. Ever since I first saw you back in 1984 in a smoky arcade, standing next to my favorite skeeball machine, I knew it. Whether it was at the roller rink or a dingy pizza parlor, it was always the same story — strapping young lads standing all around with their money ready, lined up to take turns. 

Oh, how you drove them into a frenzy, and they weren’t alone. The ghosts get a bad rap, but let’s not act as if you didn’t encourage their frantic chase, you nasty little temptress.

First off, those high heeled shoes you’re wearing; you own both pink and blue pairs (I prefer the blue) and those are hot porn heels if I’ve ever seen them before. Surely, my fetish for sexy porn shoes had to have started somewhere, and I place the blame fully on you, lady. Other than that pink bow and those pink gloves of yours, you’re completely nude! You might as well wear a sign on your back that says “GRAB THAT LITTLE TUFT OF HAIR ON MY HEAD AND RAM ME HARD FROM BEHIND, YOU BIG, BAD BOY.”

Still, I’m not one to judge a person (or, in this case, a round, yellow blobby … thinga-ma-bob with arms and legs) based on what they wear. I’ll be the first to own up to the fact that a naked woman wearing hot porn shoes and a pink bow in her little tuft of hair is my jam. Hell, I’ll even go as far as to say that I can’t resist. But just look at the way you carry yourself!

You sit provocatively on that “M” in your own logo, all hussied up with that blue eye shadow and the lipstick so generously applied to those pouty lips you taunt me with. Look at the way those ghosts gaze at you as you so clearly tease them with your sexuality, driving them mad with desire. I’ve seen them drool over you, bumping into one another, lost in that maze as you play hard to get, swallowing cherries, bananas, and other sexually euphemistic fruits.

And then, just like a woman, you make one swift move and swallow them whole, sending them running back home, at which point the vicious cycle repeats itself. You … b***h.

I think what I’m really trying to say is…wanna go catch dinner and a show some time?

Nick Chester