Man jerks off on Pornhub to fund the videogame spaceship of his dreams


He's living in 2027

From the reality-is-stranger-than-fiction department, a guy went on Reddit and confessed that he'd been earning cash for EVE by jerking off and fucking his Fleshlight, a flashlight that hides a rubber vagina from the people that you have to live with. He's getting real money from his 40k-70k viewers for his "solo male performances", which he later converts into digital money to spend on his EVE Online habits.  The headline says it all. 

Admit it: you're judging this man so hard right now. How dare he be so bold? Has he not thought of the consequences? But really, this man is a hero. Hell, you could be dead tomorrow. Hell, you could be dead right now, a husk of a human, a shadow of the vibrant person you once were. Look at your stained shirt. Your bullshit desk job. You're already pathetic, you think you're better than this guy? How cool is your spaceship? Your spaceship probably doesn't even like hyperthrustoids and gamma nurbs. Who the hell are you do judge when this guy has laser squalls bigger than Fanny Delta? Ok, I've never spent more than 20 minutes playing EVE and can't even imagine what this person is spending their money on. Just make pretend you also do and we'll get to the facts.

The shit I've seen doing video games journalism

In his own words, "Tim" says that "relationships weren't working out for him", he confessed in a PC Gamer interview (where that dick-shaped header photo came from, great job). He took a hard look at his assets, if you will, and then the requests started pouring in. People want him to do specific angles, to do tributes, to get artistic. Gay guys and women lining up at his Pornhub channel to see this guy's one man band. 

To be fair, I misled you. He didn't put one and two together at first, the stroke of genius came later. He's only raking in nominal amounts of money in real life, so he LATER decided to become a billionaire in EVE Instead. This means he's dropping $350 at a time for DLC. He's got multiple accounts. He's got the online subscription for those accounts paid for six months out.  He's living the dream. He's got it all right here in this tell-all:

I love this story. This guy just went for it. It's like the equivalent of getting a Smash Mouth tattoo, kissing the wind as the world burns. Sure, they can see your face. Sure, you'll never be governor. But in the confusion of the last hours of our passing, nothing matters. Think of all the celebrities you barely recognize born in 1893, and think of the average people in that time period that are completely irrelevant, lost in dust, with boring diaries that you'll never know. Those web servers won't be online a thousand years from now. Who cares if your mother cries into her pillow at night that she's raised an animal? Yamato cannons, yo!

Girls and boys, go put your genitals on the Internet. Get on that camera and buy that luxurious videogame spaceship. Splooge like nobody's blogging.

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Niero Gonzalez
Niero GonzalezMeat Vessel   gamer profile

I keep Destructoid weird. Also I'm a playable character in Retro City Rampage, look: (along with the whole 2009 Dtoid Editorial team) Sometimes I have a villainous mustache My dog CoCo chec... more + disclosures



Filed under... #Also cocks



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