Fanboy Friday E3 Extravaganza: Nintendo Press Conference

Aaaaaaaannnnnddd WELCOME! (Sorry Dyson.)

Here comes part 2 of our 3 part Fanboy Friday series! Yesterday, we took a look at random internet commenters’ reactions to the Microsoft Press Conference that happened on Monday. If you didn’t see it yesterday, go ahead and read it now. It’s ok. I’ll wait.

Ok, finished?

Today, we’re going to be looking at what happened during Nintendo’s conference. Widely mocked last year as having the worst press conference of the entire show, I was interested to see if they had learned anything. I was also curious to see how gamers would react, since as we saw yesterday, the only thing people cared about from the MS conference were the Last.fm and Facebook announcements.

How did Nintendo do? Was the gaming community excited, or was it an even bigger bust than Microsoft’s conference the day before? 

Nintendo wasted no time in getting down to business. After the amazing Cammie strolled out onto stage and announced that Nintendo’s new goal is to ‘create and surprise’, she rolled a montage of all the major Mario games ever made, which segued nicely into their first big annoucement, a New Super Mario Brothers for the Wii. On the surface, it seemed like Nintendo listened to their fans and gave them what they were asking for. But was it enough? Were gamers happy?

looks gay as fuck

I’ve seen better looking flash games.

wow another E3 fail

super mario was hella fun but another one? thats retarded

AWESOME he shot ice as a penguin and he ride Yoshi and OMG!!!1
Unfortunetly I don’t have a Wii. Tht lil controlla looks like a dildo. And Mario Mexican Nigga. And there’s not a single brutha in there, you got Mexican nigga Mario, he may be foolin La Migra, shit tryin to tell em hes Italia but he aint foolin Chad Warden aight! Look at tht niggaz mustache! Niggaaintfoolinme. He’s runnin around and fixin ppl’s toilets. Idk bout u but tht shit aint ballin aight? I need to shoot sum niggaz! POW POW

because most ppl – old mario fans – dont like the new ones. they miss the 3-D ones , so nintendo give them what they want, both.

Wow this game look llikes its for fags because of the gayest theme ever

lol whenever mario does the fireball i think of KA MEH HA ME HAAAAAAA!!!

Wow wii is not a next gen console at all just a sensor on a controller THIS IS GAY like kanye except hes a gay fish

did they have to make mario stick his cock on luigi? Man this was gay ninshitfuck.

I’m unsubscribing you, mother fucking nigger. You’re only spamming my subscrintion, and the only reason i subscriewdbed to you ins becauase you made a video about luigi and mario dinner argument and beside no need to always post preview videos cuz everyone knowsd amyway i hoipe you will et in a jail in a vell full of pesophiles so they can molest you and het your asshole niffer than your head good bye nigger im unsubscriging so live with it. BYE!

Um…ok. Disregarding whatever the hell was happening in that last comment, it looks like gamers just aren’t interested in Mario. I think that guy was right, all the old-school Mario fans who grew up on the NES and SNES games just want Mario back in 3D. Not deterred by what, based on these comments, I’m sure was the total lack of enthusiasm from the gamers in the audience, Cammie pressed on. If Mario doesn’t get people excited, maybe Wii Fit Plus will!

Yea baby, milk that cash cow! 

SHUT YOUR DICK CAMMIE.

Wow now my dog can play wii fit with me

i will never ever buy wii fit

SHITENDO FUCKING SUCKS

Not that another big shit

In honesty, people were so unimpressed by Wii Fit Plus that no one even bothered to comment about it. It took me long enough just to find those five, and they aren’t even that good. Things are looking really bad for Nintendo at the moment.

Then Square-Enix comes out, with two games to show off. Crystal Bearers and Kingdom Hearts 365/2. Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts are both popular franchises, so maybe this will make gamers happy. Sadly, no one talked about Crystal Bearers at all, becaues I guess literally no one cares. As I go through this, I’m noticing a theme of there being an average of about 5 comments on various sites about these games, and none of them are entertaining. People had some things to say about 365/2 though.

the guy who was drving the ship sucks, waht a dumbass lol

the ps3 is the best and the wii is one of the worst things i have ever saw(i should now i have a wii).the 360 is ok but not the best and the ps3 has probably the best games and the 360 doesnt and the wii never did have any.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is like so freakin gay
they shouldve made it for PS3
i hav a PS3.

this is the worst title for a game ive ever seen and also this game looks like shit

Well even if they don’t have a heart these tqo boys,
they still look very gay to me O.o
I’m a fan but I think it’s yaoi shit doesn’t belong there

Yeah, sorry, that’s about all I could find. Just wait a little bit until we get to the major announcements – things should pick up then. Next up – Bowser’s Inside Story. I was REALLY excited about this game, but I’m guessing I’m a minority. Did the internet care enough about this to badmouth it?

Lol a lucky “Shroom” is that what their teaching kids now of days.

1st comment,to all who says epic fail,fail,you suck,get a life you nerdy faggots and take a joke (Editor’s Note: This guy had about the 10th comment.)

sucks fat dicks

dsi sucks
no it doesnt u prob dont like it cuz ur a hardcore gamer

WTF!?!?!?! WHY IS THE SUBTITLE BOWSER’S INSIDE STORY!!!!! THAT TITLE IS AWFUL!!!!!!! IT SHOULD BE MARIO AND LUIGI MOTHERFUCKING RPG 3!!!!!!!!!!! damn it nintendo when will you ever learn!!!!!!!

This kinda looks like a ripoff of the DBZ episodes where they fight inside of Majin Buu.

well its pretty obvious that the ds i is copying sony, i mean music, pictures, vids, internet. yep sounds alot like the psp

wtf you control bowser or you have to kill bowser from his inners like AIDS or what?

Those graphics are pathetic, if you expect me to pay money for a game like that in 2009, you are out to lunch. Those motherfuckers should be in 3D. Come on, the reason Mario games were so good was because they were so original. Now a days Mario isnt original at all. It’s 2009 people, stop living in the past.

Normally I would say this is more bad news for Nintendo, but I think at this point they should be happy that people even bothered to talk about this game. I thought it took me a long time to put together yesterday’s Fanboy Friday, but finding people leaving ANY comments for these games is like pulling teeth. What did people have to say about Golden Sun DS?

Nobody gives a fuck about Golden Sun, Nintendo. Give us some real games.

argh it’s so fuckin’ ugly

I was crying, yelling and I think I had an erection.

lol at you fuckin nerds crying over a game. Get a girl you lonely faggots

Nintendo then gets to their whole ‘create’ bit, by introducing Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Minis March Again and WarioWare Do It Yourself, both of which feature user created levels and level sharing. They also announced Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion, and out of all those three titles, apparently no one gave a flying shit either way. So, unfortunately, I’m just going to move on to something people actually talked about.

THE VITALITY SENSOR! Much funnier than the people who inevitabely shit on it are the people who tried to pretend like they were really excited about it.

People lets use our brains here. Yes its a pulsex on a wii, but think of all the things that could be used for. Horror games that vamp up the violence when your heartbeat goes back to normal, FPS’ that make you shoot off when your nervous or when your hear rate jumps up. The possibilities are endless. This could actually revolutionize gaming if the developers use it the right way. Lets stop bashing Nintendo because mommy didnt find a wii, so you settled for xbox’s.

Maybe this thing works in reverse ;\ For example, let’s say you’re playing Trauma Center Wii. When your patient loses health, the game hurts YOU! Thus, the game is sensing your vitality by making your vitality the same as the patients. So… What happens if you lose..? Heh heh heh…

the vitality sensor i see it being used in virtual reality for wii & controlling games with mind.

To all you VS-haters:This thing can measure your heartbeat and your general mood from it. I also readsomewhere else that it can also measure your breathing pattern through your blood. It could also be compatible with Motionplus (tell me why it isnt).YOU ARE ALL BLIND if you cannot see how this could be applied to horror games.

i mean think about it if u are playing metroid and u cant defeat the bad guy u are gonna have all this types of different emotions that the character will display

Ok, I apologize for the lack of hilarity up above. Really. I don’t have much material. Now we’re really getting into the amazingness. Here comes Mario Galaxy 2. Big win, or big fail for Nintendo?

fuck you nintendo , START MAKING GAMES FOR PRO GAMERS !

Seeing how disappointing the first SMG was, I’m not the least excited about this, couldn’t care less.

Looks like the same old shit

you have the right to die, THIS GAME YOU CAN USE YOSHI. YOSHIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! its like mario galaxy and mario sunshine together AND THEY WERE THE SHYYYT! SO DONT YOU DARE SAY ITS THE SAME CUZ EACH MARIO GAME IS UNIQE IN THERE OWN KICK ASS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha looked like yoshi was his dick

FINALLY! SMG for Hardcore Players! If you didn’t know, it was announced that SMG2 would be much harder because the Hardcore Audience was complaining.

IF WE NEED A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF STARS TO GET IN A LEVEL AGAIN I’LL BE SO PISSED

yeah right. you just keep on playing your kiddy games, jumping on mushrooms and riding a gay dinosaur and i’ll play modern warfare 2 you douchebag

lolgayass games aseome

Why don’t I go pour 45 bottles of hot sauce in the tub and rub-a-dub-dub with a peanut butter jelly sandwhich while watching the Lion King with your grandma.

Hey Look
It’s our Favourite GAY character from the 8-bit era…
Mario
fuck you mario fans!

And finally, Nintendo wraps up the conference with their biggest announcement, Metroid: The Other M.

dat shit wuz booring nigga wuz gay shit

Nintendo si faggy fuckin E3 NIn sucked cauck fuckin u faggits get 3 1s party games that are 2d LOL

Her name is Samus Aran and yes, she is a girl.

Metroid is a guy you faget 

its fake dude

lol she shoot with her boobs

I apologize in advance for the wall of text, but this… THING, fills me with so much fucking RAGE, as do your responses to it.
It’s more than a trailer. It’s a prelude to most likely the worst god-forbid-I-call-it-a-game of the century. I could rant, but I don’t think I’m allowed to post something as long as a short story.
YOU WILL DIE A SLOW. PAINFUL. DEATH. (Editor’s Note: This is in response to another comment.) First of all, all the new Mario games always turn out to be pure crap, so it’s not hard to be better than that.
Team Ninja is doing things to Metroid that SHOULD never have been done. They don’t understand the idea of Metroid. It’s not for the brainless masses that most games appeal to. It’s not meant to be composed solely of fighting or action. It’s supposed to be a mesh of the shooter/platforming/puzzl genres that is meant for at least semi-intelligent audiences, who are looking for a challenge. Metroid was a game that could keep it’s awesomeness but still be very challenging. It’s meant to have at least a little mystery in it. It’s not supposed to have every damn thing spelled out in a painfully obvious manner, just so some idiots will stop bitching and whining about how they don’t know EVERY DAMN DETAIL. You people who think this is amazing don’t understand what Retro knew. They knew that any franchise that goes on for way too long will be ruined by the mere fact that it’s running out of original ways to convey a constant idea. Look at Mario. Those games were awesome at first! They were fun, and slightly difficult without being impossible. But now all the ideas are trite, and too cutesy to leave the player with a truly good experience. They also became extremely easy to get through, and never lasted long enough to get a really good feel for the game.
What’s worse about *shudder* Other M is that they made it into a fucking anime game! They took everything wrong with American anime, applied it to what appears to be a mix of a football game and Metroid, and fucked it up even more with horrible graphics!! I mean, the least they could do is make it LOOK good!

The graphics when Samus freezes the tentacle and blows it up are pure crap. I am begging God to have mercy on me and make them do a game with decent graphics. I will never, i’ll say that again, NEVER consider it a decent metroid game if the graphics aren’t improved (after all, most metroid games had impressive graphics for their time, anyone remember mtroid prime?)

To be honest, I was surprised. I was expecting there to be rabid insult flinging and blind Wii defending left and right, but that didn’t really happen in any of the places I was looking. It looks like the 360 crowd and the Sony crowd literally have just ignored the Wii to focus on trolling each other. Most of the comment threads were just filled with relatively reasonable Wii owners talking about how excited they were about the various annoucements, without anything really degenerating into absurdity. I guess that’s a win for humanity, but a loss for potential humor. Oh well.

Consider this your breather! Tomorrow we’ll be back with the final installment, the Sony press conference. While today might have been tame, tomorrow will be a glorious return to what happened yesterday.

See you then!

Aerox