Dateline: August 1944. Berlin.
America’s top scientists have been working to crack the code of what it is that makes Hitler tick, and we have reports that they’ve finally uncovered the source of the Führer’s dementia: Cup And Ball Fever.
After years of research, it has come to the attention of teams from Yale and Harvard that the Cup And Ball fad currently sweeping the nation has the proven ability to incite fits of violence, innapropriate lustfulness, and chronic sloth in even the most hardy of men. As such, it is no surprise that Adolph’s backwards Teutonic brain has been warped by this silent menace, and given enough time for experimentation, our researchers believe this entire war could be attributed to the dark machinations of Cup And Ball.
We all have friends, children and even loved ones who spend hours entranced by the rhythmic bouncing and suggestive coupling of Cup And Ball, but according to both the Vatican and President Roosevelt, this child’s game is a danger to national security and the sanctity of the good Christian mind. Continually watching the ball penetrate the cup simply enflames the senses far too much for any rational man, woman or child to remain goodly, and the only known remedy for the state of animalistic bloodlust that follows prolonged Cup And Ball abuse is for the afflicted person to have the soles of their feet burned every hour, on the hour, for up to a week. This treatment drives out any impure thoughts, and removes the desire for any further degenerate rounds of Cup And Ball.
In this time of crisis, we’re calling for all good Americans to come together to fight the Cup And Ball menace. We are no longer fighting against foreign nations, we are fighting a war within America against our human corruptibility, but sadly, we can not drop an atom bomb on our own souls.
Here’s what the editors have been playing this week. Now please be quiet so I can finally see how this whole “World War II” thing ends;
I’m certainly feeling A Touch of Evil, as I’m submitting myself to an onslaught of Trauma Center and Elite Beat on my DS. Handheld is pretty much the only thing I can manage while writing papers and scripts.
I finally got an HDTV last Monday, so I’ve been replaying my entire Xbox 360 library and squealing with glee at how gorgeous everything looks in 1080i. Most of that time has been spent with Dead Rising, now that I can actually read the text.
After I was purged of my Cup And Ball Fever, I spent a lot of time with Lego Star Wars II, and the now-functional-on-360 Panzer Dragoon Orta. LSWII is some of the most fun I’ve had in a game in a long time, and I’m not even a fan of Star Wars. The whole damn game is just so well put together, and after beating all the missions, I’ve apparently only completed 40% of the game. Yes, the unlockables are as immense as America’s passion for Cup And Ball.
I am finishing up Final Fantasy V Advance on the Game Boy Advance (which I am loving!). Also playing some Gears of War on the 360 and F-Zero on the Virtual Console.
Okami. Better late than never. That game is everything everyone said it was and more. Why Clover Studios went under I’ll never know.
Ron “Thought Police” Workman:
Boom Boom Rocket FTW!!! A little bit of Crackdown. King Kong… Yes, I know. It was a launch game on rails. I want the gamerscore. It was worth a rental. Another game I rented is Earth Defense Force 423#5271 which is a really, really poor and unfinished game, but, I seem to have fun playing it. In the arcade its been Gyruss, Robotron:2084, Minigolf (Meh) and Rob Summa is a tool.
I just picked up Scurge: Hive and Devil May Cry 3 (PC edition) but have barely even gotten play them yet. As always, Marvel vs Capcom 2 has consumed a good chunk of my time.
This week I’ve been playing Lumines, Trauma Center: Under the Knife and Cooking Mama. Now, I HAVE TO GO OPERATE!
Tekken 3 and Earthworm Jim for me this week. I probably won’t get to play too much until school’s over, but I may become a nihilist before then and just play to my little platforming heart’s content.
Resistance single-player; just got Super Paper Mario, so I will start that soon; Guitar Hero II 360; and I’d like to be playing Calling All Cars later this week, Sony.
Also, I just got a much larger, nicer TV than I previously owned. So I’ll probably revisit a lot of games simply just to see ’em on my new set.
As of late, there have truly only been two games that have been equally holding my time; Super Paper Mario and Puzzle Quest (for the DS.) However, this happy couple will soon become a crowd with my copy of Pokemon Pearl coming to my door on Wednesday. Why Wednesday, you ask? Well, I ordered online to avoid having to punch soccer moms in the face at the local EB. No fuss, no hassle… though I wouldn’t mind laying the smacketh down on some members of the “Zit Patrol.”
Nonetheless, myself and three others (shouts to Gary, Eddie, and Joe) at my place of work will be having a blast during our lunch breaks. Let the sh*t-talking begin!
That’s the end kids. Hit up the comments and let us know what you’ve been playing this week, and please, never trust anyone over 30.