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Destructoid's award for Overall Best Game of 2015 goes to...

2015-12-23 16:00:00·  3 minute read   ·  Papa Niero
0

Jun Ito

The downfall of Japanese game development has been greatly exaggerated. It sort of reminds me of what happened a century ago, when Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg's Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce masturbation. Kellogg devoted much of his energy to discouraging sexual activity of any kind, and was an especially ardent critic of spanking the blood-starved beast. In fact, he believed it could cause nocturnal emissions, impotence, epilepsy, insanity, and mental and physical debility as well as dimness of vision and moral corruption.

Our Game of the Year for 2015 has had a similar affliction on our judges, and we just can't stop playing with it. Videogame awards are serious business, so let me not beat around the bush here. Many great games were released this year and quite frankly getting a bunch of maddened video game critics to decide on one was an exercise of madness (thank you, my EIC trifecta). Of course, there's no "best" game as everyone has different tastes and mental problems, but for those interested I do have a tally of what our collective elitist opinion averaged out to be.


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Speaking of cereal business: The accidental legacy of the cock-branded corn flakes goes back to the late 19th century, when a team of Seventh-day Adventists began to develop new food to adhere to the vegetarian diet recommended by the church. In 1894, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the superintendent of The Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan and an Adventist, used these recipes as part of a strict vegetarian regimen for his patients, which also included no alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine. The diet he imposed consisted entirely of bland foods. A follower of Sylvester Graham, the inventor of graham crackers and graham bread, Kellogg believed that spicy or sweet foods would "increase passions."


Pictured: Mergo's Wet Nurse

This idea for corn flakes began by accident when Kellogg and his younger brother, Will Keith Kellogg, left some cooked wheat to sit while they attended to some pressing matters at the sanitarium. When they returned, they found that the wheat had gone stale, but being on a strict budget, they decided to continue to process it by forcing it through rollers, hoping to obtain long sheets of the dough. To their surprise, what they found instead were flakes, which they toasted and served to the insane, who loved it. 

In 1906, Will Keith Kellogg, who served as the business manager of the sanitarium, decided to try to mass-market the new food. At his new company, Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company, Will added sugar to the flakes to make them more palatable to a mass audience, but this caused a rift between his brother and him. John thought the sugary version of corn flakes would get people laid. Heaven forbid: sex leads to babies, who are born bloody and can go on to produce murderous vicars and martyrs at sixty frames a second. Gross.


Photo Credit: Blame Canada

In 1907, his same company ran an ad campaign which offered a free box of cereal to any woman who winked at her grocer. To increase sales, in 1909, he added a special offer, the Funny Jungleland Moving Pictures Booklet. You probably had no idea how much the church, insane people, and masturbation have affected what many of you put into your mouths every morning.

Luckily, moving pictures have evolved since.

Congratulations, Miss Colombia, you're our game of the year.

No seriously, she won.

Fuck it, I own Destructoid, the Niero does what he wants. Duuude, have you seen that T-Shirt that has the old American food pyramid, but instead it says "I do what I want"? That's hilarious.

Also, congratulations to Bloodborne and everyone at Sony and From Software. Sick game.


[GOTY artwork design by Raul Cordoba. Miss Colombia photo credit: El Heraldo Colombia]

Also, a huge thanks to the game's lead programmer, Jun Ito, who rarely gets his name mentioned by the Western press. I don't know anything about this person or the countless others that also contributed, but Ito-san is surely like many of hard-working developers in the industry who sacrificed countless nights of restful sleep. Taihen arigatou gozaimashita.

 

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Papa NieroGeneralist // Profile & Disclosures
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Sometimes I google "photos of horses vomiting" just to release some stress. Early career: You may know me as the guy that chased Jack Thompson around courtrooms, the guy that snuck into E3 in ... more


 



#Also cocks #bloodborne #coolstorybrah #Game of the Year #Top Stories

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