China takes candy, online games, from babies

China, the world’s leader in angering Nintendo, has decided that its youth should be spending their days doing something more productive than online gaming. They are instituting a mandatory registration system based on ID cards and a person’s age, for gamers, that will force them into a five-hour-per-day maximum play time. Activities favored over gaming by the current regime include backbreaking labor, reading the collected works of Karl Marx, and growing luxurious moustaches of the sort that no woman could resist.

Aside from the moustache thing (which Destructoid, and our generous benefactors, heartily support), life in China is a dull affair, consisting mostly of long stretches of tedium punctuated only by bouts of boredom, and the occasional moment of striking monotony, so it’s only natural that children might seek to escape the crushing blandiosity (yes, I just invented that word) of their home land through readily available virtual means. Of course, the government would like to dress this up as a terrifying health concern, and that their new regulations will only affect those horrible few who are truly in danger of harming themselves, others and your beloved family pet. Here’s a quote;

“The system will only target minors who lack the self-discipline to control their playing time,” said Kou Xiaowei, a Chinese state official.

Of course, this is tantamount to saying that you’re only going to enslave the “minorities who don’t have caucasian heritage” or that you’re only going to “gas all of those who own dreidels”; such statements are the sort of thing that could only come out of a government official in a country where there is absolutely no chance of a commoner smashing in your window with a rock and beating you and your family to death. Thankfully, here in America, we’re still willing to club our politicians.

Some of you might be thinking; “Oh, but five hours a day should be enough for anyone!” To which we respond, “You f***ing sheep! It’s the principle of the thing! They’re taking away people’s right to privacy, the pursuit of happiness and the chance at getting more frags! Thomas Jefferson would personally go over there and kick their faces in with his d*** if he wasn’t too busy having hot zombie sex with his hot zombie slave-wife.” Then maybe we’d smirk, punch you in the junk and start making out with your girlfriend. Man, we are SO rad.

Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.