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LONG BLOG

Top Ten Tips For Video Game Devlopment

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As a privileged white male who has made one ten minute platformer with very basic graphics, I decided it was my duty to tell game developers everywhere how to do their job. This list is universally catered to all artists, but real artists know their craft, unlike those stupid phonies who make what I call Un-Art. Video games give you cancer. Don't play them.

 

Be a Douche

It is important to put as much of yourself into your craft as humanly possible. That's why Jonathon Blow's game The Witness' soul intention is to let you know you are intellectually inferior to Jonathon Blow. In fact, if you listen very carefully to the soundtrack, you can actually hear Jonathon Blow laughing at you and telling you how very little you'll accomplish in your life. That fact in particular is particularly particular as the game doesn't even have a soundtrack. It's aurally empty, just like your life.

It is important to act like a complete and utter asshole outside of your “art” as well. Disparage entire groups of people by saying their games suck when you haven't played one since the SNES. Buy up development studios that are a threat to you and close them down for no reason. Alternatively, you could make a demo so good it drives legions of fans to want to buy a game that you have no plans of actually releasing – and don't even bother telling the devs that!

 

Buy a Pipe

This is vitally important. Maybe the most important thing of all. You need a pipe if you want to succeed. You don't even need to smoke it, but you cannot succeed in any business unless there are pictures of you with a pipe in your mouth.

You know who doesn't have a pipe? Homeless people. Do you want to be a homeless people? Didn't think so.

 

Write for Destructoid

If you ever want all your dreams to crash and burn into the ground, you need to write professionally or as a blogger for the site Destructoid. No one wants to be a game developer, it just happens, like life's little miscarriage. There is no better way to be a deadbeat nobody than to write for a dying site no one cares about.

And nobody is as much of a deadbeat nobody as Video Game Developers. I hear they're all secretly Muslims and immigrants. They're probably a bunch of gays too.

 

Be Japanese

Now, this next one isn't as hard as you might think. Just throw a bunch of letters on your screen for your name, buy an anime body pillow and literally smoke Whitney Housten's corpse. The game will practically write itself.

If someone asks you for a picture, just post a picture of Hideo Kojima or something. As we all know, Asians all look the same to us white folks. Also, only white males play video games.

No, seriously, I bet you can't even tell which Japanese developer I posted in the image for this section.

 

Cater to White Trash Kids

BOOBS! EXPLOSIONS! CASUAL RACISM! EXTREME NATIONALISM BORDERING ON NAZISM!

These are sure fire ways to make you video game the next Battle of Duty or Grand Turismo Auto. Just make sure that the nationalism only caters to America, because enjoying being from any other country means you're from ISIS and should be burnt on a cross at America's annual outdoor pillow party.

 

Meme It Up

You know what's funny? Making references that will horribly date your game and make the world collectively throw a black baby in front of a train.

To reiterate point three, Anthony Burch, professional nobody, used to write for the site Destructoid. From his time there, he learned the valuable lesson of plagiarizing other peoples jokes, quoting video games long past when those jokes are actually funny, and being a left wing cuck.

However, he made a big game called Hoardingpants 2. So, what you need to do is put as many memes, references, and lowest common denominator humour into your game to make it sell!

Failing that, you could just pick on people who are actually successful and disguise it as satire.

 

Don't finish anything.

This is vitally – you know what, I'll finish this list later. I'm sure I'll have enough time before release to just sit back, relax, and procrasti

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About whatsacowone of us since 2:50 PM on 09.18.2012

Hi I'm Blake, and I love video games. I'm mainly into platformers, rpgs, fps games, and skating simulators - though I'll give anything a chance.

Favourite Games:
10. Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus
9. Fallout New Vegas
8. Skate 3
7. Castlevania - Aria of Sorrow
6. Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2
5. Silent Hill 2
4. Super Metroid
3. Doom 64
2. Resident Evil 4
1. Dark Souls

Favourite Movies: The Raid, Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.

Favourite TV Shows: Community, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Daredevil, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Black Books, Spaced, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, etc.

Favourite Bands: Leprous, Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, El-P, Busdriver, Open Mike Eagle, Dalek, Agalloch, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Opeth, Wolves in the Throne Room, Moonsorrow, Unexpect, Enslaved, etc.