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LONG BLOG

Still Shilling Like A Shameless Whore

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Who isn't though? I have this conundrum a lot. I don't like reading self promotion blogs, and I hate writing them even more. I'd rather tell you about all the awesome things other people have made.

 Like, are you aware the new Metroid is phenomenal, but still not as good as AM2R?

Are you aware Jak and Daxter has the level design of Dark Souls? Shortcuts, branching paths, it has it all. Naughty Dog at the top of their game.

The New Ys is awesome and you should all play it. And I get my Nintendo Switch on Friday!

Well, onto the whoring. I'll start with music.

https://soundcloud.com/blake-turner-29/the-antler

Currently, this is my most viewed track. It has 911 views on soundcloud, which confuses me since it's my first freestyle, and I botch quite a few of the lyrics. I smoke a cone at the beginning though, so maybe it's just stoners.

https://soundcloud.com/blake-turner-29/life-story-worlds-to-run

This is basically my life story. It's a hard listen, but one of my better tracks.

https://soundcloud.com/blake-turner-29/kill-yourself

I wrote this for a rap battle and won! Go me. It's a banger.

https://soundcloud.com/blake-turner-29/fuck-shit-i-still-dont-go-outside

Another more depressing yet aggressive song.

https://soundcloud.com/blake-turner-29/whatsacow-agalloch

Have one of my best works in my opinion. It's essentially non rhyming poetry in rap form, but it somehow works.

And if you want to buy either of my albums you can do so here: https://whatsacow.bandcamp.com/


 

Now, onto writing. I finished my first story. Well, sort of. It's the first story, but I'm leaving it midway and picking it up towards the end of the book. So here are some story excerpts. The First is about my life at college. It's called The Dropout.

Chapter 1: O Week

Here's the thing nobody tells you about college. It's garbage. If you're an intellectual, stay far away. College is like high school with no adults, ten times the drinking, ten times the sex, and half as many drugs because you can get kicked off campus for so much as being caught with $20 of weed.

Not that there weren't either smokers or dealers on campus, mind you. They just had to be smarter. Generally the ones that needed that shit most were med kids and physicists, the ethnic kids who got deported if they failed. The ones that needed a bit of stress relief.

And look, I'll be honest. I'd much prefer weed to a drink. Done plenty of stupid shit on drink I'd never do on weed.

First day was a mixed bag. I was in a long distance relationship at the time, but things were going south before I moved to college. I'm going to leave her name blank for now, because I'm a dick and this is my story.

I arrived at college with my parents at the end of Orientation Week, or 'O Week' as they called it there. I met the receptionist, who was kind of cute.

“Hi, I'm here for... college I guess.” I said, nervously.

“No need to be nervous, we'll get you all set up in a second.”

I waited for the keys to be handed to me before she lead me across a courtyard and into my room. The courtyard was beautiful and freshly cleaned. It smelt nice as the fresh autumn air hit my lungs, and the multicolored leaves departing the trees made for a captivating image. It was the cross section for all the buildings: A, B, C, and D block, as well as the kitchen and reception building.

Juxtaposed with the beautiful surroundings were the not so beautiful halls. We were locked in like animals, with a keycard iron door keeping us in. The walls were a gross yellow, and it smelt like vomit. I was shown my room as I heard screaming coming from above. I felt a little uncomfortable as I entered my room.

I felt even more uncomfortable when I was inside. I've been in fucking toilets bigger than my room, I shit you not. There was only one power outlet, and I had a computer, a cd player, an xbox, and literally everything else I owned required power. I sighed, thanked the receptionist and began unpacking. I started with my DVDs and blurays, which I alphebetised. They took up the whole shelf, and soon I was trying to find space for my boxset of The Wire.

I put my posters up, made my bed, and hid my books in the cupboard. Then I heard a knock on my door. Two of my neighbours. One was about my height, 5'7, while the other was a whopping 6'4. She had legs bigger than a stroke victims jerking arm, and she looked quite athletic.

“Hi, I'm Sarah,” said the tall one. “And this here is Max.”

The shorter one was an adorable redhead with a shaved pixie cut or some shit. I'm not a fucking hairdresser.

“Hi, I'm Eryn,” I smiled back.

“Eryn, that's a funny name for a fella,” the tall one said in they most wry, bogan accent imaginable.

 

Yeah, fuck you too.

 

Name's always been a sticking point. Mum wanted a girl, she had the name picked out and wasn't about to change it. I generally prefer to be called Aaron or something, but by this point in my life there wasn't much point in hiding something as big as your name.

“Yeah, odd name I know. Some people call me Aaron, don't really care though,” I lied.

“Don't be worried,” said Sarah. “Most people have at least something they don't like about themselves.

Ain't that the truth. Max hadn't spoken or really done anything much since the conversation, so I asked If she was okay.

 

She looked me in the eyes, giggled the most adorable giggle I'd ever heard, and then said “I'm really fucking high.”

 

So we spent most of the rest of the night in her room smoking weed and listening to Die Antwoord. Now, the smoke alarms were really sensitive in college. A can of deodorant can set them off, and most fire alarms are caused by drunkies cooking toasted sandwiches late at night. Max and Sarah had an elaborate system where they blew the smoke out the window. Had to be careful during the day, so all lights in the room were out and we made sure to blow out at an angle.

 

“You ready for Toga?” Asked Max.

“It's going to be awesome!” Shrieked Sarah.

“You wear a toga, whats the big deal?” I asked.

“Free alcohol!” Shouted Max.

“Wait, so we've just had 3 cones, and now we're going to get plastered?”

“Yup.”

 

This was going to be an interesting night.

 

I feel like I'd actually gotten to know Sarah and Max during our session. Sarah wanted to be a musician, but was stuck learning Pyromancy. Max got into cleric school, learning healing and whatnot.

I was studying creative writing like a twat. No magical skills to speak of.

“Don't worry Eryn,” said Max. “You can't get in if you have no magical ability. Yours will absolutely come out at some point.”

“I don't know. I don't know if I want to be a mage, a technician or what.”

“We'll see what your skills are.”

“My skills are writing, reading, and consuming things made by others.”

“Dude. You're depressing. Get your toga on and get drunk!” Said Sarah.

 

I had nothing to use for a toga, so Sarah let me use her bed sheets and pinned me up. Then we headed to the common room for drinks. There were about 20 people on my floor. All were new, all were scary. Our Floor Assistants name was Isla, so at least I wasn't the only one here with a girls name. Though, at least his was a chosen nickname.

We proceeded to play a game called kings. The rules are thus: You take a deck of cards and shuffle them. Each person takes turns picking a card, and then some drinking related game commences.

1-3 black: Take x drinks

1-3 Red: Give x drinks to someone.

4: Whores: Girls drink.

5: Raise a fist. Last person to raise drinks.

6: Dicks: Boys drink.

7: 7s: Everyone counts. At multiples of sevens or numbers that have seven in them you have to make a noise and the circle reverses. You fail, you drink.

8: Mates: pick a friend. Everytime you drink, they drink.

9: Joke. Tell a joke. If no one laughs or you can't think of one, drink.

10: Categories: Pick a category and everyone has to say something that fits in that category. If you fail, you drink

Jack: Question Master: If you answer a question by someone holding a jack, you drink, and take the card and become question master.

Queens: Every one drinks.

Kings: First three pour their drinks in the centre mug. Last king drinks the whole thing.

Ace: Waterfall. Don't stop drinking until the person to your left stops.

 

Naturally, I was new, so I went first. I drew a 9. I was nervous, so I said the first joke that sprung to mind.

“Why are abortions so much fun?”

“Why?” Said the rest of the room.

“They really bring out your inner child.”

 

A few giggles. One guy snorted his drink and immediately became my best friend. His name was Jordan. Sarah squirmed and looked really uncomfortable.

 

“You okay?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

 

I dropped it, then realised someone had drawn a 7 and it was up to me. I had no idea what the number was, so I just mumbled 42. I was right. Unfortunately, I didn't make a noise, so I still had to drink.

 

Bunch of cunts.

 

When it was back to me, I drew another 9. This time I had my joke prepared. 

“Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies.”

“Why?”

“Because he was hung like this.” I lifted my arms in a way that denoted both Jesus hanging on the cross and being hung like a horse.

 

More laughs this time, but one guy fucking glared at me.

“What are you, christian cunt?” I asked with a laugh.

“Yeah, I'm a Mormon.” He replied, clearly aggitated.

“You're in the wrong place then. Why don't you find yourself a nice crib and cry yourself to sleep.”

“An atheist?”

“Yup.”

“Well, mate, this drinks for you,” he said throwing an entire can at my head. It hit hard, and was open so it went everywhere. Max asked if I needed a hand cleaning up and I agreed. We went to the bathroom and she checked on my head. It was bleeding, and I was mildly concussed.

“You made two enemies in one night.”

“I know.”

“Don't mention abortions in front of her.”

“Whats the deal with her?”

“Ask her yourself.”

“You just told me not to.”

“Yeah, maybe wait until you're not drunk, cocky, and acting like a fool. And when you've known her for more than a day.”

“Sorry.”

“Not me you should be sorry to. Besides, I thought they were kind of funny.” She smiled. “You want a shower?”

“Yes.”

“With me?”

“What?”

“You're concussed, I'm not having you pass out in the shower. We'll wear our underwear, it's fine. I have swimmers.” Again, she smiled.

 

We entered the senior showers wearing my boxers and she was wearing a one piece swimsuit with Hello Kaylee print on her top. It was a mashup of hello kitty and Kaylee from firefly, and it was awesome.

I held her in my arms as we soaked the night away, and then prepared for the party.

 

First four hours in, I'd already forgotten I had a girlfriend. Things were only about to get worse.

 

Well, Toga was fun. There were free drinks, cute girls wearing almost nothing, and I got to witness a fist fight.

 

I got drunker and drunker, to the point I could barely stand. Some music came on, so I stood on the grass, by myself, and started dancing. Immediately some girl came over and asked how I was. I don't remember her name or anything about her other than she looked like max and I stuck my tongue down her throat. We made out for at least five minutes before Sarah pulled me away.

 

“You have a girlfriend Eryn! Sober the fuck up.”

I agreed until she got inside, and then I lied and told her I'd broken up with my girlfriend.

“Shit! Why didn't you tell me!”

 

She was also incredibly drunk, so she proceeded to drag me around by my collar and ask random girls if we'd made out. We didn't find the girl and just ended up with weird looks. I said it might have been Sam, and she said who the fuck is Sam, then I said I meant Max.

“Max has been with me the whole night.”

“Shit. Well. Im just going to go back to my room.”

She gave a sad smile and said okay, so I just went to my room and drank.

 

It took all of five minutes before both Max and Sarah were at my door and in my room drinking with them. I showed them some of my music, but avoided the death and black metal for now. They asked about my posters.

 

Agalloch. They kind of mix black, post, doom, folk, and classical into one awesome mix. They have an album called The Mantle which is basically acoustic black metal.

Open Mike Eagle is a nerdy, funny, hella personal rapper who is one of my all time favourites along with Busdriver, Milo, Aesop Rock, and Earl Sweatshirt. I had their posters too, and the Aesop Rock one was my favourite. It was from my signed Impossible Kid Vinyl, and it came with lyrics, a signed lyric book with pictures of his cat, and 3 posters. I fucking loved that album.

I told them all of this and they thought it was adorable how much I geeked out. Eventually they asked me about my guitar, so I put it in drop c tuning and proceeded to noodle away as they spoke. Max was watching me intently, so I dedicated the song to her.

 

Eventually, Sarah noticed how close we were getting and bailed. We started to make out, and I began to take off her clothes. The motion was making me nauseous though, and I eventually caved and vomited on her face.

 

She left, and I slept alone.

 


  

So there's that one. And now for a lighthearted story inspired by The Bells of Nagasaki.

South of The Frozen city of Nadiir, lied the frozen arctic Wastes of Sundown. There, it was generally dark for half the year. It laid just on the outside of Satyr territory, and they were warring with the Dryads on Agalloch's orders. To say the townfolk were scared for their safety was somewhat of an understatement.

It had just hit that delightful time of year where your nuts freeze off and it's snowing so thick you can barely see five foot in front of you. In other words, it was summer. Elkyr, Ellathyr, and myself had just found a nice cozy Inn and were proceeding to get fucking plastered. That's when the bombs dropped.

The first bomb had just hit Ikasagan, and reports weren't pretty. The dryad's were trying to turn this settlement into no mans land with us in the middle. The Satyrs were marching down the hill towards our town with all their artillery. Bombs, cannons, guns. They occupied this fine settlement, and there weren't too much the folk here could do.

Evacuation started soon after. The Satyr's began loading us up in Buk-Buk's that can only rightly be described as giant chickens with pouches. That was where we'd be staying, along with a Satyrian artifact that would allow us and the birds safe passage through the irradiated wastes.

We entered a giant shed with about 12 chickens to 3 cocks. We were off to a tragic start immediately when one of the roosters pushed a handler onto the feeding tracks and pecked him to death. We had to put that bird down with an elephant gun. Couldn't even eat the fucker as their flesh is toxic to humans. Another female was laying eggs when the others began to break the egg and eat the poor bird from the inside out.

Most of the rations went to the Satyr Occupants, so the poor birds received most of the cutbacks.

We finally loaded the remaining thirteen birds up with supplies, and then began loading women and children first, followed by military and bird handlers. Try as we might, El, Elkyr, and I could not get onto the same bird no matter how we tried. I gave up my seat and let El and Elkyr share space, as they were soon to be married and figured they could use the time together away from me.

 

When we'd finally left the town, the bombs hit. We could hear the screaming. We could see the bloodshed. One of the handlers on the outside began vomiting blood, so his partner knocked him out and got him inside for clear air.

Nothing compares to a Dryad bombing. You can prepare yourself all you want, but these are peaceful creatures who spent their whole lives preparing for the end. I take neither side in the war, but this wouldn't have happened if those greedy Satyrs had agreed to leave the Dryad's land and make pilgrimage to the Agalloch every year. You know, the same agreement everyone on this fucking continent made.

But the Satyrs just couldn't give up their land. They had co-existed peacefully with the Dryads for years until their new cunt leader, Nylats, decided to start deforesting. This was a problem for the Dryads as they were essentially giant, telepathic, immobile trees. Thirty two Dryad lives were lost before Nylats was lynched. As he went though, him and his followers used blood magic to cause themselves to explode and turn the soil barren. Or at least that's Agalloch's side of things. The Satyrs explain it much differently.

According to them, they were a race being bled out of their homes based on the actions of a few heretics who didn't know their place. They had tried to sign a peace treaty, but this deep in the war and with the soil being completely barren, the Dryads refused. They figure it would cost too much to rebuild or replant without the rewards of winning this war.

 

So, that's how we found our way on a peace mission for the filthy fox fucking niggas who used to own this land.

 

At roughly 2 clicks out of town, things took a turn for the south. El, Elkyr, and Myself were riding for free, so occasionally we'd have to suit up and help heard the buk-buks. Fortunately the one I was riding was a female. They aren't as easily distracted or aggressive. Usually, the males don't get ridden, but desperate times call for equally stupid decisions.

Firstly, I was out there because one of the herders got splattered into a wall. See, there's only one place you can really harness a bird, and that's on the neck. Unfortunately, these birds get spooked easily, and if they turn their neck too far in one direction a fella can get launched. Fortunately that doesn't happen often due to the neckbraces, and generally all a farmer will earn is a few bruises. Unless there is a really hard spiked surface in the road that is.

So while I was decked out in full thermal and radiation safe gear, roughly thirty half breed Dryads sprinted towards us. They were mostly carrying primitive weapons, like axes, clubs, and spears, which meant they had the advantage. By the time we saw them, their blades would be sunk deep in our necks.

That said, they still had bows, and our targets were big enough that even with impaired decisions, folk could make an educated guess. We held our ground with three Buk-Buks filled with military men. Elkyr and Ellathyr were quick to join us in their gear. El could breathe the air, because of fucking course she could. Hell, her and Elkyr were practically naked. With a body like his, neither really needed the cold protection.

 

The arrows let loose. One pierced one of our men's breathing tanks, and a few hurried to drag him back inside before he suffocated. They managed, but a flaming rock from a catapult splattered one of the Buk-Buks and all the men inside, including the suffocating man and his helpers.

I saw a man running at me so I fired, hitting his right arm and spinning him around. He fell, and two men tripped over him. Another ran at me with an axe, so I shot him in the stomach and caved his head in with the blunt end of the axe before swinging it into the neck of his friend.

Elkyr fired a a cone of fire, and with her powers, El directed it into thirteen oncoming men. Two men behind them were fighting before they realised they were on the same side, got up, and shot El in the back with an arrow. She dropped, they took her gun, aimed it at Elkyr's head and fired. The bullet decintergrated, and so did they. He pulled out the arrow, and used his heat powers to seal the wound. She was in pain, but sitting against him, she could shoot one handed. So that's what they did. He held her tightly and added fire to the bullets and caused them to explode inside the bodies of their victims.

 

There were about 13 of them to our 10. Most of them were archers. Arrows lunged in our direction, taking out two of our men and pissing off one of the Male Buk-Buks. It charged into the remaining ones, knocking over 5 and eating two in a single gulp. One of the men who went down lunged his blade into the birds neck and pierced through, causing the bird to gargle its own blood.

 

8v8, we were even. Then more bombs dropped. An artillery strike that hit both sides, and our remaining bird. El held up a protective barrier that stopped us getting caught in the splash damage. The bombs wiped out most of the remaining numbers though, until there was only one military personel with us, and 3 Half-Dryads. They were more Dryad than human or Satyr though, and they had thick wooden armoring covering most of their bodies. They were seven foot tall, and while waiting for us to recover used the time to bandage their wounds and heal up with their own leaves that they smoked. Then, they set their branches on fire and lunged at us.

We were all taking shots, and even with Elkyr exploding most of them, we weren't doing much damage. We retreated back into one of the downed birds pouches where they couldn't reach us. Eventually they'd smoke us out, but for now, it was the only option we had.


So... that's what I've been up to. I've also been hard at work on my game, but that's gonna take a lot longer. It's the Metroid inspired one, but I currently need an artist. If you're good at pixel art, please hit me up. I also need musicians, and some extra coders. I'm primarily a level/story designer, so any help would be very much appreciated.

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About whatsacowone of us since 2:50 PM on 09.18.2012

Hi I'm Blake, and I love video games. I'm mainly into platformers, rpgs, fps games, and skating simulators - though I'll give anything a chance.

Favourite Games:
10. Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus
9. Fallout New Vegas
8. Skate 3
7. Castlevania - Aria of Sorrow
6. Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2
5. Silent Hill 2
4. TES: Oblivion
3. Doom 2
2. Resident Evil 4
1. Dark Souls

Favourite Movies: The Raid, Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.

Favourite TV Shows: Community, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Daredevil, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Black Books, Spaced, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, etc.

Favourite Bands: Leprous, Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, El-P, Busdriver, Open Mike Eagle, Dalek, Agalloch, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Opeth, Wolves in the Throne Room, Moonsorrow, Unexpect, Enslaved, etc.