"Listen closely: the only time it’s too late to change yourself is when you’re dead. Until then, you’re simply making excuses or lying to yourself." - Some cunt on tumblr.
Firstly, this blog was originally posted by me 20 days ago. I've improved a lot since then, but thought these words were worth sharing. This isn't me asking for sympathy, you can keep that shit. I mainly want to expose the way mental illness can effect people and hopefully either have someone understand the way someone clost to them acts or realise that this is a serious issue and that they should get a check up at least. To quote the comic Saga: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." So... let's start.
This is going to be atough blog both to try and write and read. So I'll try and keep it light where I can. Last Tuesday, I tried to kill myself. I took between 10 and 12 antidepressants in the bath tub and hoped I'd pass out and die. I just decided to break with Bilby for a month because she was doing everything for me almost and she needed a holiday. I was in a massive fight with my best friend and I don't even remember what for anymore. But yeah.
After that I went to hospital where I waited for four hours and got stabbed in the arm 5 times before the cunt of a nurse found a vein. They had to ultrasound me to find the fucker. It was intense. I hate needles. Even in movies for some reason. Give me the most fucked up thing imaginable. I've sat through A Serbian Film and laughed. Well... not the first time obviously. Fuck that film. But like... needles fuck me up.
Anyway I like totes got a Mormon Psychiatrist who kept trying to convince me I needed to marry Bilby and kept asking me where I was getting my drugs from and I'm not fucking snitching and that bitch shouldn't be asking those questions on a first visit.
Okay, let's turn back the tables to a week ago, before all this happened.
That was me. Happy, fine, and pretty fucking sexy in that jacket. Ladies, please. Just, like, calm down. I then went to this:
All because I didn't feel like myself and needed to change something. I shaved both my head and beard and dyed them. So... I kind of look like a clown with down syndrome. So yeah. Im also down to 82 kgs from 112. Im getting pretty thin, and I kind of went full gym junky in an attempt to reclaim some of my masculinity. The problem is with my personality disorder it sometimes makes me too cocky and aggressive. After a workout, either all my aggression is gone or I want to fight. I'm a timid guy who usually avoids confrontation at all costs.
I've been shoplifting. I stole a switch before taking it back. I've done a lot of stupid shit. I got addicted to perscription and recreational "medicine." I gave up weed once before because it depressed me, and now my old gp tells me I need to be on it daily. So, because I have an addictive personality, I'm having difficulties giving up.
I'm smart. At least above average. Smart enough that I can come top in my class at college if I try it, but lately I've been stupid. Like, I tell lies that even a 10 year old wouldn't believe. I look retarded. And it's not because I'm lying. It's because my brain fabricates memories. It is terrifying to constantly not have any idea whats real and whats not. And it's terrifying that it terrifies everyone else.
So yeah. I've pushed people away. I've had my family and closest friends screaming at me for days. I have swollen, bruised knuckles. I have no freedom really. I can't work. I can't study. I can't drive, and I'm not allowed to leave the house on my own. I have to give my meds to someone else and sometimes they even have to forcefeed me. So obviously, that's not helping my mental state despite being necessary. I feel like an invalid.
Last night was maybe the hardest night for me ever. The day before, my father got me against my will and against my brothers will (he was my caretaker) and didn't inform anyone before trying to commit me, filling out forms that say I don't want a blood transfusion, and basically taking every medical decision away from me. I snapped. I called him every name under the sun. All because he was worried.
The night after I decided I wanted to admit myself to a mental health facility. I was declined. I was too healthy apparently. Plus it was a long weekend and there were no beds available either. So I had to go home. Before I did though, my brother and three of my best friends basically jumped down my throat for an hour. They told me if I was confused about my sexuality then I wasn't bisexual, and that if my attraction to men changes pretty often that I can't possibly have it. I can't possibly have gender dysphoria.
I get it. This is the first time they're hearing of this, and it's while I'm in an aggitated state. They think this is for attention. Part of it is. I possibly have arrested development meaning I have the mental state of an incredibly intelligent 14 year old. So yeah, I don't knwo what is true and what is just attention seeking behaviour, but having none of them believe me gutted me.
What you maybe don't understand is that going to Banksia (the mental health facility) seemed the only way out of the darkness at that time. I was finally on track for recovery and getting back to Bilby. When I couldn't get in I broke down a little bit. I didn't show it at first, but when we got home everyone lectured me. Then I went into the bathroom and tried to stab myself in the leg and arm with a screwdriver. Fortunately, it was blunt so I did fuck all damage.
Unfortunately, no one believed I was down. They thought it was for attention. I didn't want their fucking attention. I didn't want to show them them anything. I showed them because I thought they should know. And then they were so angry that no one in that room is currently talking to me.
I'm 25. My brother is 20. I tried to hurt myself in his house. Like... that's fucked up. I'm supposed to be the rolemodel. He's already been here and his best mate is on his couch currently because he's dealing with shit. So he does not need me around at all.
I'm back with Bilby now though. I'm okay. Don't worry. I am okay. One thing I will share with you before I go is the things I've learnt about mental illness. Please feel free to add more later but these are the big three:
1: It's hard. Like, apart from having a crippling physical illness, it's the hardest thing you may have to go through. But you have to treat it like a physical illness. You have to not let it define you. You can't always control your urges or impulses but you unfortunately do have to live with the consequences. Unfortunately, when you aren't in control, you should be, and losing control isn't really an excuse. I mean, of course it is. We understand. But you can't see it as an excuse. 2. You are not alone. When I posted on facebook that I was going into banksia, half the cunts I'm friends with told me they'd either been there or something like that. Even the most successful people on earth suffer from it. Kanye West has crippling self esteem and social anxiety. Kid Cudi recently admitted himself because he was worried. Chris Cornell took his own life recently, as did Robin Williams - the happiest looking man on the planet. You are not alone. Even people without mental illnesses fuck up and get depressed. Never feel like you are alone, and remember that no matter what you have, someone else always has it worse.
3. You will push people away. You will hurt the ones you love the most and they won't be able to handle being around you at certain points. That's okay. They have their own shit to deal with too. You can't think you are the only one with problems. If you have depression, you can drag everyone down constantly. Your mood is contagious. If you have bipolar, mania, arrested development, or some other personality disorder you will drive people away. You are unpredictable, possibly aggressive and violent, and the very least, an annoying cunt. That's ok. It's not your fault, and its not theirs either. They'll get back to you when they can. They still love you. It's okay. As I said, Kid Cudi put himself away, and Drake was hurt by something he did before hand and wrote a diss track about him being an emotional bitch. People get angry. It's ok.
Finally, I love you. Get better. I need to take that advice myself sometimes, but we all love you from the bottom of our hearts