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If Game Companies Made Movies

Please note that I posted this on 1up a few days ago, so if anyone wants to accuse me of plagiarism, you can fuck off.

Well, Guild Wars servers are currently full, and I'm lagging like a bitch. So time for some fun. I've decided my pet hate today is publishers, the greedy sell out fucks. I've decided to see whether their seedy gaming practices would work in the movie business. So, I'll get straight into it.

Blizzard: Blizzard shouldn't be in the movie business, but film critics seem to adore them. They don't make films so much as they do make 20 minute episodes, release them once a month, make you pay 30 bucks for each one, which are then released on the big screen. The same thing happens in each one, and to outsiders it looks incredibly tedious and boring, but fans seem to become addicted to it. Perhaps it's a drug being pumped into the theatre? Regardless, Blizzard refuse to let people purchase dvds, insisting that if you want to view their product, you must be at a theatre, in a social setting, at all times.
They have a monopoly over one genre for years, which is partially because they've been the only ones to actually make a decent product in said genre. Well, that is until Arena net came along, kicked them in the nuts and said: "This is how we do things now!"

Activision: Activision and Blizzard have been teaming up for a while now, though they have entirely different philosophies in game making. Whereas Blizzard makes a product and supports it indefinitely, refusing to make anything until at least 5 years have passed; Activision release the same product each year with different actors and slightly different set pieces. They recently enlisted the help of the ADHD riddled Michael Bay to direct their movies, and have basically told him to go nuts. They mustn't have let him know about a secret Transformers movie though, because it actually turned out to be alright, and that smarmy cunt Shia La' Douche wasn't anywhere to be seen.

Bethesda: Long have they been the fantasy geeks go to, their movies are riddled with plot holes, dodgy resolution and the dvd's are prone to just stop working. However, fantasy fans will forgive anything as long as the finished product is epic, and epic they are. Bethesda have enlisted Director Peter Jackson to direct their movies, telling him that the films will not be released if it is under 12 hours. The movies are acclaimed titles, even though their "Depth" is derived from unrelated plot points that go nowhere and are quite trivial in relation to the overall plot, and the overall plot is just a Tolkien rip off.
Bethesda have recently shown their bad side though, trying to copyright specific words, suing independant companies, and going against a contract they signed with the original owner of one of their properties. Still, no one seems to care as long as their products maintain their grand scale, no matter the expense.

Bioware: Considered to be one of the greatest storytelling companies in the business, they originally stuck quite clingily to the fantasy genre before moving to the realm of science fiction. Typical tropes of Bioware films are interesting characters, action sequences that are all a bit samey by the end, merging genres of action and drama (but kind of half arsing both) and being the pioneers of the "Choose your own adventure" style of film, ensuring no two viewings are exactly the same, unless you're a boring fuck who hates change. Bioware's products are becoming increasingly dumbed down however, starting off as films for those with intelligence, but succombing to the whims of the people who enjoy films with Tom Cruise in them.

Valve: Years ahead of their competitors in terms of style, sophistication, and customer benevolence; Valve have rarely stepped a foot wrong, and when they have, they've been quick to remedy it. They recently released a new digital distribution tool that has grown to monopolise the industy, forcing Netflix into bankruptcy with it's accessibility and amazing prices.
It's films are of immense quality, pushing boundaries and causing imitators to try their hardest to imitate. Valve, however, made their biggest splash when they entered the realm of comedy, creating something fresh, dark and intelligent, and still managing to sell incredibly well. Despite all the good the company has caused, certain people have spoken out about it. Head of the Evil League of Evil, EA has pulled many of it's films from Valves distribution medium, and indie filmmaker Notch has spoken out against Steam monopolising the industry, even if it is because it's the only not shit distribution service out there.

EA: EA became the largest and most prominent film studio in the world. They grew to infamy initially due to steadily stealing shady business practices from their opponents and utilising all of them, forcing their beloved, unique franchises to copy ideas from other, more mainstream titles, and selling drugs to school children. Eventually, they decided films weren't enough, and decided to invade Poland, starting a global war. Today, they have become a world power, and recently lowered the legal age of prostitution to 8, but taxed it heavily so the families of the prostitutes remain poor.

There we go. Those are my ideas. If you have any of your own ideas, or want to write something for companies I missed like Ubisoft etc. feel free to do so in the comments.[/img][b]
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About whatsacowone of us since 2:50 PM on 09.18.2012

Hi I'm Blake, and I love video games. I'm mainly into platformers, rpgs, fps games, and skating simulators - though I'll give anything a chance.

Favourite Games:
10. Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus
9. Fallout New Vegas
8. Skate 3
7. Castlevania - Aria of Sorrow
6. Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2
5. Silent Hill 2
4. Super Metroid
3. Doom 64
2. Resident Evil 4
1. Dark Souls

Favourite Movies: The Raid, Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.

Favourite TV Shows: Community, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Daredevil, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Black Books, Spaced, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, etc.

Favourite Bands: Leprous, Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, El-P, Busdriver, Open Mike Eagle, Dalek, Agalloch, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Opeth, Wolves in the Throne Room, Moonsorrow, Unexpect, Enslaved, etc.