Video games have given us some of the most memorable and influential characters in entertainment: Mario, Link, Pac-Man, and Gordon Freeman to name a few. These characters have become household names as synonymous with everyday life as John F. Kennedy and Elvis Presley. Unfortunately, not all of gamingís most memorable characters are memorable for good reasons. Some of them are remembered for being some of the most annoying dicks in all of entertainment.
These creatures go by many names: douchebags, assholes, bastards, and cheap-asses. However, the most common name in usage is dicks. Gaming is filled with some of the biggest dicks youíll ever be forced to interact with. Here are just a few examples of gamingís biggest dicks.
Lakitu (Super Mario Bros)
Metadick Rating: 73
Biggest Dick Move: Destroying the Flow of a Mario Level
In Super Mario Bros, Goombas, Koopas and Piranha Plants are pretty easy to take down. Even Bowser becomes a cake walk once youíve got the timing down. But then there is Lakitu, a turtle who rides on a cloud and drops spiked turtles in your path. Your first instinct is to run away, but Lakitu breaks the rules and follows you through the entire level. Even if you do manage to take him down, another one will appear a few seconds later to continue the spiked shell carpet bombing.
Every game has that one enemy who makes you cringe every time you see it. Lakitu, however, is definitely among the worse. In recent years, Nintendo has attempted to clean up Lakituís image by making him into Marioís private helper. He does the countdown in Mario Kart as well as hold the camera for you in Super Mario 64, but donít be fooled. Lakitu has not change his ways, heís just as big a dick now as he was then. Heís just biding his time until Mario lets his guard down, and when he does, BAM! Spiked turtle shells will rain down upon the earth just as it was predicted in some religionís Holy Book.
It also doesnít help that he handles a camera about as well as Michael Bay.
Slippy Toad (Star Fox)
Metadick Rating: 80
Biggest Dick Move: Existing
Some people say that Slippy is the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Fox franchise. I think itís an insult to the good name of Jar Jar Binks. At least Jar squared only appeared prominently in one movie, and he didnít try piloting one of the ships. Slippy has not only appeared in every single Star Fox game, including Star Fox Adventures (seriously, they took out Falco but kept this guy), and he is probably the worst driver since Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 4. There needs to be a rule that when a fellow pilot gets their into trouble that many times, friendly fire should be overlooked in favor of the mission.
Iíve always theorized that Slippy is actually a spy, sent by Andross to sabotage Star Foxís efforts through the power of annoyance. Then again, maybe Andross just did that in the hopes that Star Fox would realize Slippyís facade and execute him, that way Andross wouldnít have to fill out all the paper work.
There is also the issue of his name. Seriously, Slippy Toad is the best Nintendo could come up with? Maybe you need to get a certain amount of kills before you earn your the honor to use your last name in the Lylat system. Until then, youíre just referred to by your nickname in middle school.
Otis (Dead Risisng)
Metadick Rating: 92
Biggest Dick Move: Not Shutting Up
When I was a younger man, I had a friend whose grandmother would always call him up with questions. ďHow do I change the channel on the TV? How do I check my email again? Why does the DVD player keep making that awful humming noise?Ē After these calls, he would always moan about wanting to strangle her with the phone cord. At the time, I thought he was being a little bit extreme, but after playing Dead Rising, I think I finally understand where he was coming from.
Otis is the Willamette Mallís best, and keeps you up to date through a two-way radio on all the latest developments. He lets you know when there are survivors nearby, what everyone is up to down at the security room, and tells you about whatever weird stuff he sees on the security cams (which he learned how to use after years of spying on the womenís dressing rooms in-between shifts).
Otis might seem like a huge bit of help, but he chooses to never shut up. When fighting off hordes of the undead, the last thing you want is some old guy calling you up to tell you that he saw a girl going into the hardware store. Thanks Otis, Iíll check that out once Iím done taking care of the other two hundred things Iíve got going on. Whatís that? Little Timmy is stuck in the well? Why donít you pull out your tongue and use it for rope. The back of the box says that anything can be used as a weapon, so why canít I shove the damn radio up a zombieís ass so Otis can bother somebody else?
Otis is the kind of guy Twitter was made for. Like the worst celebrities, he feels the need to let everyone know what heís thinking about every few minutes, but unlike the drunken ramblings of Lindsey Lohan, Otis isnít very interesting. I imagine his Twitter page looking something like this:
Otis: Dry gum underneath table at the food court, only slightly chewed. JACKPOT!
Otis: Put a sign saying do not enter on the menís restroom ROFL!
Otis: Casual Friday ;D
Otis: New Justin Bieber album OMFG!!!<3
Prophet of Truth (Halo)
Metadick Rating: 86
Biggest Dick Move: Being A Pretentious Religious Douchebag
The Prophet of Truth is the main antagonist of the Halo series and the religious leader of the Covenant, a group of half a dozen species of aliens that are hell-bent on spreading their faith throughout the universe. So theyíre sort of like Jehovah Witnesses, except instead of handing out pamphlets, they shoot lasers.
Truth looks to be a cross between Pope Benedict XVI and Kermit the Frog. Unlike most video game villains, Truth believes that he and his Covenant are the good guys and the humans are the evil heretics. Iíve always felt that villains are much more threatening when they think theyíre doing good, rather than being conscious of their own malevolence. Then again, Truthís plan for Spiritual nirvana involves unleashing an alien spore to wipe out all life in the galaxy, so maybe heís a bit more Charles Manson than Benedict.
The real problem with Truth (besides his lust to end organic life in the universe) is just how pretentious he is. He assigns almost everything a biblical name: Halo, Flood, Arbiter; etc. Hell, he names all the covenant ships after different spirits. I get it Truth, youíre a holy dude. You donít need to name your cat Mary to prove it. He also wears a stupid hat, which is essential to any religion, but hey, at least he doesnít assign a specific day in which you have to waste ten hours of your life worshipping him.
Metajerk Rating: 95
Biggest Dick Move: Immortality
In recent years, The Twilight Saga has turned vampires into the romantic dreams of twelve year old girls, but before Anne Rice and Stephanie Myer ruined everything, vampires were some of the scariest movie monsters around. This especially refers to the granddaddy of them all: Dracula.
Bram Stokerís creation has sunk his teeth into about every form of entertainment imaginable. Games are no exception. His most famous appearances are in the acclaimed series from Konami, Castlevania. In the Castlevania games, Dracula spends almost his entire existence battling the Belmont family, who, generation after generation, explores Draculaís castle and drives stakes through his heart. Every family has its rite of passage, for the Belmontís itís killing Dracula. Itís surprisingly easier than studying for a Bar Mitzvah.
What makes Dracula such a dick? I could talk about his tendency to drink human blood, his egotistical mannerisms, or his mind controlling powers, but the worst thing of all is that he wonít fucking stay dead. Heís been stabbed, set on fire, crushed, pounded, drowned, and dematerialized down to the last atom, but the guy just wonít stay dead. Whatís even worse is that heís always capable of raising an undead army at a moments notice. Is there some kind of supernatural monster union Iím not aware of, or does he get them on loan from Universal Studios. He also wears Eighteenth Century clothing in modern times, which is like having the word ďprickĒ tattooed across your forehead.
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